


Love, Merlin

by goodluckgettingtosleep



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism (Minor Character), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Love Rosie AU, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Character Illness (cancer), Reincarnation, Slow Burn, Unplanned Pregnancy, daddy!Merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-12 19:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 66,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7945972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodluckgettingtosleep/pseuds/goodluckgettingtosleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin and Arthur have been best friends since they were kids, but even though they’re inseparable, life always seems to be getting in their way, separating them against their will. Timing, fate, and life itself seem to have conspired against them and when it comes to love, there always seems to be someone else.<br/>Will they ever get their timing right and both realize that they were meant to be together since the beginning of time (quite literally), and that even across time and space, the bond they share can never be severed?<br/>A tale of magic, friendship, family, and a love that outlasts centuries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One with the Levitating Lego Bricks

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! What a ride. Here we are, it's finally done. My first After Camlann entry, after I chickened out last year and didn't sign up, even though I wanted to. This story is also the longest I've ever written, so I can definitely say that I'm a bit proud. This story is my baby, and I hope you'll like it as much as I liked writing it. 
> 
> It's a Love Rosie AU, meaning that it's inspired by the movie "Love, Rosie", but there is also magic and a twist. I think it worked quite well that way, and I hope you think so, too. 
> 
> The art for this was made by the lovely [eviko](http://eviko.tumblr.com/) and I can't even tell you how much I love it! It's so beautiful and I'm so in love with it. It's more than I could've wished for, so make sure to leave some love at the art posts [here](http://eviko.tumblr.com/post/149932610090/love-merlin-powerschlumpfi-merlin-and-arthur) and [here](http://eviko.tumblr.com/post/149932344045/love-merlin-powerschlumpfi-merlin-and-arthur), or here: [Art for Love, Merlin](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7954012/chapters/18190549)
> 
> An epic amount of thanks goes to [paalme](http://archiveofourown.org/users/paalme/pseuds/paalme) and [edenofalltrades](http://archiveofourown.org/users/edenofalltrades/pseuds/edenofalltrades), without whom this story probably wouldn't exist. They were there from the start, cheerleading and beta-ing whenever I needed them to. They're just the best friends one could wish for.  
> Also huge thanks to my wonderful betas aerica13, clotpolesonly and profcolsymorgan \- you really helped me out a lot and this story wouldn't be the same without your help.  
> And then, of course, big thank you to the ACBB mods for hosting this amazing fest again! It's been amazing!
> 
> xx

Merlin first met Arthur when he was six years old. It was his first day at school and he’d been jittery all day, his magic bubbling wildly under his skin. He was scared that someone would notice and that he’d be taken away from his Mum, that he’d be tortured and examined like an alien. Like in that one movie he’d once watched in the middle of the night, when he’d snuck down to the living room and turned on the telly while his Mum had been fast asleep. He’d been terrified and ran up to his mother’s room to confess what he’d done and stayed with her for the rest of the night.

He was so nervous when his Mum left him in that strange, weird-smelling building all on his own, that he ran right into another boy when he tried to enter his new classroom. He knocked the boy off his feet and fell right on top of him, his heavy backpack making it so easy to lose balance. Merlin blushed and had to concentrate to keep his magic in check, while the other boy was saying bad words beneath him.

He wanted to defend himself, like his Mum had taught him to, but when he looked down and met the other boy’s eyes, he held his breath and suddenly wasn’t able to utter a single word. The other boy was very pretty. He was blond and had blue eyes; he looked a bit like the male Barbie doll Merlin had. Ken.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin managed to say and the pretty boy narrowed his eyes.

“Get up, you clumsy dolt.”

Merlin gasped, as did a few other kids around them.

“That’s a bad word. You need to apologize.”

Merlin refused to move and the blond boy stared up at him like he’d just insulted his favourite stuffed animal, even though Merlin would never insult his stuffed animal. He loved stuffed animals.

“I won’t. You deserve it!”

“But I already said I’m sorry!”

“You still deserve it. You’re stupid and I hate you already!”

Now it was Merlin’s turn to stare. He’d never met anyone this mean.

But he wouldn’t let the mean pretty boy win.

“You’re mean! Say you’re sorry.”

“Won’t.”

“Well, I don’t hate you. I think you could be nice if you wanted to. And you’re pretty. So why are you so mean?”

The boy’s eyes grew wide as he stared up at Merlin.

“You think I’m pretty?”

“Of course! You look like Ken.”

“Are you a girl?”

“No.”

The boy stared again, but Merlin didn’t know what the boy was thinking. He was like a grown-up in that matter. Merlin never knew what grown-ups thought.

“My name is Merlin,” Merlin offered.  

“I- I’m Arthur,” the boy said, and Merlin smiled at him.

“That’s a nice name.”

Arthur’s cheeks were growing a little pink and Merlin smiled even more. Arthur really was pretty. Prettier than every princess Merlin had ever seen. Then again, he’d always thought the princes were prettier than the princesses.

“All right, okay. I’m sorry, Merlin. I didn’t mean to be mean.”

Satisfied, Merlin rolled off the other boy and stood up again, reaching out to help Arthur up as well. Arthur took his hand and looked at Merlin like he really was an alien.

“Maybe I don’t hate you _that_ much,” Arthur muttered and Merlin smiled at him, because he’d heard him well enough. And he’d do his best to become friends with the pretty blond boy called Arthur. Because Merlin really felt that Arthur needed a friend.

Dear Arthur,

With this card I’d like to invite you to my 7th birthday.  

Please come? The party will be on the 11th November 2000, starting at 2pm.

I’d be so happy if you could come.

I’ve been waiting for ages to show you how much my Ken doll looks like you.

No, I’m not a girl. Just come. Please?

Love, Merlin

 

+

 

Dear Merlin,

My Dad said I can come if I want to.

I’ll try to be there.

Can’t wait to see your Ken doll.

Love, Arthur

 

“That doesn’t look like me at all!” Arthur complained when Merlin showed him his Ken doll. He scrunched up his nose and shoved Merlin so he fell down onto his bed.

“It’s a grown-up doll,” Arthur tried to explain when Merlin pouted up at him. “I don’t like grown-ups.”

Merlin giggled and nodded, the pout forgotten again.

“Me neither. They’re boring. But I like my Mum.”

“I don’t have a mum.” Arthur sat down next to Merlin. He looked sad and Merlin could understand that he was sad that he didn’t have a mum. Merlin would be sad too if he didn’t have a mum. He took Arthur’s hand and squeezed it carefully.

“And I don’t have a Dad.”

Arthur raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

Merlin nodded. “Mummy said he went away when I was a baby. She said he’s doing something important, but I don’t believe her. I think he just didn’t love me.”

“My Mum died when I was born. My Dad said it’s my fault once. That I killed her.”

Merlin’s eyes grew wide and he felt his heart break a little when he saw the tears in Arthur’s eyes. On instinct, he moved closer to Arthur and hugged him, like his Mum hugged him when he was sad.  

And Arthur hugged him back so tightly that Merlin had a feeling that Arthur hadn’t gotten nearly enough hugs in his life so far. Merlin would do his best to change that.

“But you were a baby. Babies can’t kill people. It’s not your fault.”

“You think?”

“No, I know. Seriously, have you ever seen a baby kill someone, Arthur?”

“I guess not.”

“See? But we can ask my Mummy if you want to know for sure.”

Arthur nodded on Merlin’s shoulder. “Okay.”

 

Merlin’s Mum was outraged when she heard Arthur asking if it was possible that he’d killed his own mother. Arthur was crying again and Hunith had taken him into her arms like she always took Merlin into her arms when he was sad. And Merlin was glad that she did. He liked Arthur and he didn’t want him to be sad.

 

When Arthur left that night, he hugged Merlin and told him that he’d been wrong and that he didn’t hate him at all.

 

Merlin!

Do you want to be best friends?

Arthur

 

+

 

Arthur!

Yes, please!

Merlin

 

“Dumbo! Dumbo! Dumbo!” a boy from his class – Cedric – yelled at Merlin and Merlin didn’t like it at all. He liked his big ears and he liked Dumbo. But Cedric used it like it was a bad word and Merlin wanted him to stop.

“Look at Merlin’s big, ugly ears! He’s like Dumbo the elephant!” Cedric told another one of their classmates, Valiant, who just joined into the choir of insults, leaving Merlin angry and on the verge of tears . Maybe he shouldn’t like his big ears after all? Maybe they were wrong?

He was just about to really start crying and run to a teacher when Arthur stepped in front of him and glared at the two mean boys.

“Leave Merlin alone!” he hissed and the boys started laughing even louder.

“Why, is he your boyfriend?”

“No, but he’s my friend and you will leave him alone! His ears are fine and he’s much prettier than you!”

“So he _is_ your boyfriend!” Valiant mocked and Merlin thought that Arthur was very close to punching him.

“Arthur and Merlin are in love!” Valiant started yelling through the whole classroom and Merlin and Arthur both blushed in a deep shade of pink.

“We’re not!” they both yelled back, but it was too late to stop the mocking.

“Arthur likes bo-oys!”

“No! Stop saying that!” Arthur shouted back, but it was no use.

Eventually more kids joined in and even though Merlin knew Arthur wasn’t one to start crying, it looked like he was very close to it. Nobody liked to be bullied after all.

In the end Merlin and Arthur ended up crying in the bathroom, both huddled together and holding hands to comfort each other. Merlin let his magic reach out to Arthur, tentatively wrapping it around him to keep him warm and safe. Merlin _did_ like Arthur. And boys. But he didn’t want to be mocked for it. He didn’t like mocking. And he didn’t understand why it was something to be mocked for.

When their teacher found them in the bathroom they told him what happened and Cedric and Valiant had to do extra work for the next day.

Merlin was glad, but he knew it wouldn’t stop them from mocking them again.

 

Dear Merlin,

My sister explained to me what Cedric meant when he called us gay. It means that two boys or two girls love each other. And that they like to kiss each other.

I don’t want to kiss you.

Love, Arthur

+

 

Dear Arthur,

I don’t want to kiss you either. Or anyone. That’s gross.

Love, Merlin

 

Arthur made sure not to hug Merlin in public after that day. Merlin didn’t mind too much, although he really liked hugging Arthur. Arthur was warm and soft and he smelled nice. But they were friends and Merlin realized that he probably shouldn’t like hugging his friend that much.

When Arthur’s father went on a business trip sometime in spring, Arthur was allowed to stay with Merlin and his Mum for two weeks, after Arthur had begged for days and explained to his Dad that he’d rather stay with his friend than a nanny he didn’t like. So eventually Uther had called Hunith and they’d settled everything.

Arthur and Merlin spend most of the time playing games or watching TV together and it felt a lot like having a brother. Merlin enjoyed having Arthur around so much that he wished he could stay with them forever.

They were sitting in Merlin’s room – about a week after Arthur had come to stay with Merlin and his Mum – and building a Lego castle when Merlin decided that he wanted to share his secret with Arthur. He’d never shown anyone, but he’d always wanted to and Arthur was his best friend – so who could Merlin ever show if not him?

“I have magic,” Merlin said and broke their companionable silence.

Arthur looked up at him and burst into laughter.

“Don’t be silly. Magic is not real. Or wait – is this a game? If it is, I want to be a dragon!”

Merlin made a face. “It’s not a game! I really have magic! Look!”

He focussed on a few pieces of Lego and let them levitate above the ground.

“WHOA!” Arthur jumped up and came closer. “Do that again!”

Merlin let the pieces swirl in the air this time and Arthur beamed at him like he’d seen a miracle – well, he probably had.

“You are a wizard! That’s so cool! So is – is Hogwarts real?”

Merlin shook his head. “No. Hogwarts is not real. At least I don’t think it is. Would be cool if it were, though, wouldn’t it? I’d definitely be a Slytherin. But I never met another person with magic like me.”

“A Slytherin? Really? Aren’t they all evil? You’re not evil.”

“There are nice Slytherins, too! My Mum said it’s not the house that makes them evil, it’s the person.”  

Arthur made a face. “Obviously _I’d_ be in Gryffindor!”

Merlin nodded. “I think so, too. You’re brave and strong like a Gryffindor.”

“We’d still be friends, though, wouldn’t we?”

Grinning broadly, Merlin tackled Arthur to the floor. “Of course!”

Arthur struggled against Merlin’s grip, laughing loudly. But Arthur was stronger than Merlin, so he managed to free himself and throw a Lego at Merlin’s head.

“Do more magic!”

 

Arthur!

You can’t tell anyone about my magic. Not even your Dad. They will take me away if anyone finds out.

_M_

 

+

 

No, they can’t take you away! I won’t tell anyone. I promise!

_A_

 

In second grade, Arthur came to school one day looking very sad. Merlin had never seen him like that before, so he grabbed his hand under the table when he sat down and squeezed it comfortingly. But Arthur was still looking sad when the first break started, so Merlin dragged him into the loo with him and hugged him tightly.

“What’s the matter, Arthur?” he asked softly.

“Nothing,” Arthur said defensively, avoiding Merlin’s eyes.

“That’s not true. Something is wrong. Tell me.”

Arthur sighed and looked up at Merlin, tears brimming in his eyes.

“My Dad yelled at me this morning. He was really angry. He said I have to get better at school, because if I don’t, then my Mum died for nothing. He said I’m not good enough.”

Merlin felt his magic raging in his veins. Arthur’s Dad wasn’t nice and Merlin hated him.

“That’s not true. Your Dad is so mean! You’re my best friend and I love you very much. I would be very sad if you weren’t here.”

Arthur bit his lip.

“Really?” he asked, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Merlin nodded and closed his eyes for a moment to concentrate on his magic. He felt it bubbling under the surface of his skin, and he asked it to make Arthur feel better. He let it reach out and wrap itself around Arthur like a blanket.

“Really.”

A soft smile appeared on Arthur’s face.

“Is that you magic?”

“Yes. Is it nice?”

“It’s very nice. I feel… warm. It’s like a hug.”

Merlin smiled.

“It likes you just as much as I do.”

Arthur pulled Merlin into a tight hug.

“You’re my best friend, too, Merlin. Let’s never fight, okay? We always have to tell each other everything and we’ll forever be friends. Promise?”

That sounded very nice. Merlin nodded.

“Promise.”


	2. The One with the Liquor Stash

_\---8 years later---_

 

 **ICQ** \- Arthur

 

< Big birthday party at my place this weekend! 16, man!

< Dad’s outta town

**> Awesome! **

< You need to use magic on my hair again

< Sophia’s coming

**> Oh. Yeah, of course**

< Thanks mate

< You bringing Freya?

**> idk **

**> I’ll ask her**

< gr8

 

Merlin closed his laptop and pushed it away from him, groaning in frustration. The truth was, inviting Freya was the last thing he wanted to do. Not when he had a big fat and totally inappropriate crush – although “crush” was probably a bit of an understatement – on his best friend. His best friend who seemed to like girls, girls, and girls, and _not_ Merlin, and always just assumed that Merlin liked girls as well. And Merlin wished he did, because it would make his life so much easier. But at the end of the day he was and would always be _gay_ – and would hopefully be brave enough to tell Arthur one day.

Merlin had always known, somehow. He still remembered his first day of school, when he’d compared Arthur to a Disney prince and told him that he was pretty. To him the princes had always been prettier than the princesses. And when he had turned 15, close to a year ago, he’d finally realized that he truly liked _boys_ – and Arthur especially.  He’d kissed Freya when they’d played Truth or Dare and when he didn’t really like it and instead started picturing Arthur in his head, the truth had hit him like a wrecking ball.

And now Arthur tried his best to get a shot with this Sophia girl – whom Merlin didn’t like at all – and it hurt, but Merlin knew there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t want to lose Arthur as a friend, so he’d just have to suffer through every girl Arthur wanted to date until he finally found it in him to tell Arthur the truth.

However, seeing Arthur kiss Sophia at his party still hurt and led to Merlin getting stupidly drunk from all the booze Arthur had stolen from their parents’ house bars over the years and crying onto the shoulder of one of Morgana’s friends, Gwaine.

“You should just tell him that you’re not into chicks, mate,” Gwaine told him, and Merlin knew he was right. He was almost ready to just get up and tell Arthur the truth once and for all, he’d just go there and –-

But Arthur found him first.

“Merlin, what the—?” He stared at him like he’d seen a ghost and Merlin started giggling hysterically. “Are you _drunk_?”

“...’m not.”

Arthur sighed and reached out to grab Merlin’s arm and pull him up onto his feet.

“Your Mum will kill me if she finds out about this. You’re staying here tonight. Come on,” Arthur muttered and dragged Merlin with him up the stairs and into his room.

“I don— I don’ wanna sleep. ‘m not tired,” Merlin complained when Arthur shoved him onto the bed and pulled off his trainers.

Arthur ignored him and tried yanking Merlin’s jeans off as well to make him more comfortable. He fumbled with the button for a few seconds and Merlin bit his lip, just barely able to keep himself from pulling Arthur down and kissing the living daylights out of him. When Arthur finally managed to free him from his jeans, though, there was no way he could hide his hard cock from Arthur’s prying eyes.

“Drunk and horny. This is just _great_ , Merlin,” Arthur sighed. “You emptied everything I had hidden under the bed, didn’t you?”

Merlin just giggled again and pulled the blanket up to cover his crotch.

“I just don’t get why. I thought you didn’t even like alcohol?”

Merlin gave his friend a scandalized look. “’s nice. Makes everythin’ better.”

Arthur sighed again and shook his head, before getting rid of his own shoes and sitting down on the bed next to Merlin.

“What’re ya doin’? S’phia’s probably waitin’ for you…”

“Probably, but my best friend just got pissed for the first time in his life and I really want to know why.”

Merlin groaned and buried his face in a pillow. “Don’t.”

“Yeah, I do. Merlin, come on. What’s the matter?”

“Can’t tell you…” Merlin muttered into the cushion, quite grateful that he could hide his face.

“Since when? Remember the pact we made in Second Form? We always tell each other everything. So tell me.” Arthur’s voice was soft and comforting and so familiar that Merlin wanted to cry.

Merlin forced himself to look up and meet Arthur’s eyes, tears burning in his own.

“I will. Just not t’day, okay?”

Arthur sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time since he brought Merlin up to his room and nodded slowly. Merlin knew it’d be okay for now, but he would still have to tell him one day.

“You’re still an idiot, you know?” Arthur added after a while, when Merlin was well on his way to falling asleep.

“I know,” he murmured back and faintly felt Arthur ruffling his hair before he drifted into unconsciousness.

 

Arthur was sprawled over him when Merlin woke up the next morning, his head pounding like someone had hit it with a hammer. He had an awful taste in his mouth as well and Arthur’s weight on top of him didn’t really make him feel more comfortable.

Merlin shoved Arthur off and groaned in frustration as he got up to look for his jeans. Arthur grumbled and opened his eyes to glare up at Merlin from under his eyelids.

“Sober again?” he asked, his voice hoarse from sleeping. It did things to Merlin that he tried to shove to the back of his mind as fast as he could before he would embarrass himself again.

“I guess,” Merlin grumbled as he put on his trousers. He was in the mood to get drunk all over again.

“I assume you still don’t want to tell me what got into you yesterday?” Arthur asked as he sat up in bed and ran his hand through his thick, blond hair.

Merlin shook his head and went looking for his shoes to avoid having to look at his friend. He just hoped Arthur would simply forget the whole matter again until Merlin was ready to tell him.

“All right, then. I called your Mum last night, told her you would stay over because I didn’t want to be all alone in the house, since Morgana was going to stay with her boyfriend. I think she bought it.”

Merlin still refused to look up as he put on his trainers. “That’s good. Thanks.”  

“Seriously, Merlin. What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing. I’m just hungover. I’ll call you tonight,” Merlin said, meeting Arthur’s eyes quickly and smiling half-heartedly, before all but fleeing from Arthur’s room, wondering why he had to fall in love with his best friend of all people. Arthur was the most important person in Merlin’s life – beside his Mum – and Merlin couldn’t lose him. He couldn’t risk ever losing him, no matter what.

 

**ICQ**  - Arthur

 

< Merlin are you there?

**> Yeah**

< Are you ok? I’m worried about you

**> I’ll be fine, don’t worry :) **

< that doesn’t sound very reassuring

**> Arthur, I promise, I’m fine. It’s just hard to hide such a big secret from everyone all the time, is all. **

< not from me though

**> Yeah… I’m glad**

< do you want me to come over? we could play on the wii or something, cheer you up a little

**> Sure :)**

< I’ll be there in 20

 

 

Merlin wished he could say everything went back to normal between him and Arthur after that, but that wouldn’t be quite true.

Arthur kept kissing Sophia and Merlin hated it. He also started spending less time with him, which Merlin hated even more.

So he started hanging out with Morgana’s friend Gwaine and when Gwaine kissed him, Merlin liked it. Gwaine wasn’t Arthur, but he was nice and funny and a really good kisser. Not that Merlin had other people to compare him to, except maybe Freya, but that kiss didn’t really count – nor did Merlin like it.

Kissing Gwaine helped. So Merlin let Gwaine  kiss him for a few months, until Gwaine moved away for university.

Merlin was miserable for weeks after that and Arthur got worried after a while and started hanging out with him more often again, which eventually resulted in Sophia dumping him because she thought he should spend all his free time with her and not Merlin. So Merlin and Arthur were miserable together for a few more weeks, passing most of their time lounging on Merlin’s bed and watching films on his small telly. Merlin hadn’t told Arthur why he was feeling so bad, and eventually Arthur had stopped asking. Merlin wasn’t ready to tell him, and after a while Arthur had just accepted that they were both having a hard time.

One Saturday night at the end of November, Arthur wrapped an arm around Merlin and pulled him close while they were watching _The Ugly Truth._

“You know, who even needs Sophia? Who even needs _girls_ as long as I have you?” Arthur whispered close to Merlin’s ear and Merlin shivered, unable to hold back.

He wondered how it was possible to feel so comfortable and at home, _and_ so frustrated and unsure at the same time.

Arthur’s arm was still wrapped around him when they fell asleep that night.

 _Nobody_ , Merlin wanted to say. _I only need you._

 

_ _

**New Text Message**

 

From: Arthur

_Happy 17th, clotpole! 10 years ago today we officially became friends. Can you believe it? 10 freaking years!_

To: Arthur

_Thanks, clotpole. Ikr? No idea how it’s possible to put up with you for so long and not go crazy, tbh..._

From: Arthur

_1\. you are crazy and 2. you love me and you know it_

 

To: Arthur

_yeah, you just keep telling yourself that. See you tonight?_

From: Arthur

_Definitely!_

 


	3. The One with the Other Secret

Arthur had decided that the two of them should celebrate Merlin’s 18th birthday in London, hopping clubs and pubs, getting drunk and dancing through the night, maybe even picking up some girls.

Because Merlin still hadn’t told his best friend that he preferred boys. Almost three years had passed since Merlin had realized that he was gay and very much in love with Arthur, but somehow Merlin had never found the right moment to tell him. It wasn’t that there hadn’t been any right moments – it was more that Merlin was a coward and so scared of losing Arthur that he had just postponed it again and again. He was a bad friend for it and he knew it, but Arthur was still the most important person in his life and Merlin was terrified of what his friend’s reaction to his true sexuality might be. It wasn’t that Arthur was a homophobe, either. Merlin just knew that _something_ would change between them and he didn’t want _anything_ to change between them; he didn’t want things to become awkward.

He and Arthur had always been quite physical with one another. They’d always touched each other more than it was necessary; they’d always hugged a lot and they’d shared a bed so often that Merlin had lost count. Merlin was afraid all that would change once Arthur found out that he was gay.

Merlin still wanted to tell him. He just didn’t know when or _how_.

So when Arthur had suggested going clubbing in London on Merlin’s birthday, Merlin had agreed enthusiastically, even though he wasn’t in the mood for “picking up girls” at all.

“My favourite friend Merlin here is turning 18 today,” Arthur told a random stranger in the first pub they went to. They were already two pints in and Arthur’s tongue was starting to loosen.

“Congrats.” The stranger – who was clearly drunk already – toasted in Merlin’s direction and Merlin just smiled and nodded.

“You don’t have to tell everyone, you know,” Merlin murmured, but Arthur just wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close.

“The whole world should know,” Arthur stated and Merlin rolled his eyes. “Because you deserve all the love in this world, Merlin.”

Merlin actually blushed a little at that and took a gulp from his pint, before wrapping his free arm around Arthur to hug him properly.

“Cheesecake,” Merlin whispered teasingly, just waiting for Arthur to poke him in the side like he always did when Merlin called him names. Sure enough, Arthur poked him extra hard and Merlin giggled as he struggled out of Arthur’s embrace.

He chose to ignore the curious looks the other people in the pub were giving them; he was used to them by now. If he wanted to hug Arthur, then he would damn well do so.

 

They went to a club in Soho next. It was crowded and the music was pretty bad, but the drinks were good and cheap, so they stayed for a while, dancing and jumping and downing one shot after the other. For the first time in ages, Merlin started to actually feel free and happy; and to his surprise he was having a really good time.

Until Arthur pointed to a girl behind Merlin that was supposedly staring at him.

“You should go and talk to her,” Arthur all but screamed over the music.

Merlin scrunched up his nose. He was drunk enough to be blunt about this now, and he wasn’t in the mood for lies, or for pretending that he actually wanted to get laid by a girl. “Why?”

Arthur made a face. “What do you mean, ‘why’? Because she’s hot and it’s your birthday.”

Merlin shook his head and leaned over the bar to order more drinks. He knew Arthur was staring at him, but he chose to ignore it and down some more shots instead.

“I’ve never heard you talk about any girl but Freya. Have you ever even kissed anyone else?” Arthur asked, slurring ever so slightly. “It’s ridiculous that I even have to ask this and don’t know already.”

He sounded slightly disappointed as well now, hurt almost, and Merlin swallowed the guilt building up inside him. He had kissed other people. Well, one person. And he wouldn’t lie to Arthur now.

“I did.”

“Who?”

“Gwaine.”

Arthur’s eyes widened and Merlin grabbed another shot, preparing for the worst.

“GWAINE? Morgana’s friend? Why? When?”

Merlin shrugged. “About two years ago and because I wanted to.”

“ _Gwaine_?” Arthur asked again, eyebrows raised high on his forehead. “Why did you never tell me about this?”

Merlin shrugged again. “Didn’t think it was important, I suppose.”

“You thought you experimenting with a friend of my sister’s is not important?” Arthur sounded almost furious now. “Really, Merlin? When did you start keeping secrets from me?”

“I’m not, you dollop-head. It just never came up. I forgot. No big deal.”

Arthur kept staring at him for another moment, before sighing and pulling Merlin into a hug.

“Well, at least I know _now_ , I guess.”

“Yeah…”

Merlin closed his eyes and tried his best not to get sick.

 

 

Merlin was starting to feel quite drunk when they arrived at the next club, which had much better music and a nice atmosphere. Merlin ordered a bottle of water at the bar – something to rehydrate with after all the alcohol he’d consumed – and looked around while Arthur was in the loo. There was a distinct lack of women in the club, Merlin realized, and while that didn’t bother him, it did make him suspicious.

And sure enough, his suspicions were confirmed soon after, when Arthur came back from the toilets with an alarmed look on his face. His eyes were glassy and red and he was well drunk at this point, but somehow he still managed to utter a coherent sentence when he whispered hastily, very close to Merlin’s ear: “Merlin! I think this is a gay club. Some guy just hit on me while I was peeing. Also, there aren’t any women in here.”

“I noticed, yeah,” Merlin said, grinning.

“Well? Shouldn’t we leave?”

“Why? Come on, it’s fun. I like this place.” Merlin shoved playfully at Arthur’s shoulder and, drunk as he was, Arthur was very easy to convince.

They ordered some colourful cocktails that tasted sweet and somehow absolutely delicious and Merlin could see Arthur relax more and more by the minute.

Halfway through the first cocktail, the guy who’d already hit on Arthur on the loo appeared again and was obviously very interested in his pretty blond friend. Not that Merlin could blame him – although another guy hitting on Arthur did make him irrationally jealous, especially in his state of drunkenness.

“Sorry, mate, but I’m afraid I really am taken. This is my boyfriend, Merlin.” Arthur grabbed Merlin’s arm to pull him closer and Merlin almost choked on his drink. Arthur’s words made his heart pound faster in his chest.

“Too bad,” the man said. “Although you do make a nice couple. Very aesthetically pleasing, if you ask me.”

“Uhm – thanks?” Arthur said, stunned, and Merlin chuckled quietly, deciding to take the chance and cheekily press a kiss to the corner of Arthur’s mouth.

He heard Arthur suck in a breath in surprise, but the stranger didn’t seem to notice. He just smiled sweetly at them and winked at Arthur, before disappearing into the crowd.

Arthur gave Merlin a scandalized look when he was gone and Merlin just chuckled quietly as he sucked at his straw.

Arthur shook his head, a soft smile gracing his lips. “You enjoyed that _way_ too much, didn’t you?”  

Merlin shrugged. “Maybe.”

 

 

Two cocktails later Merlin found himself on the dance floor with Arthur, both laughing loudly and dancing exuberantly. They were both considerably drunk at this point and it was hard to actually keep his balance, but Merlin still managed not to knock anyone over. He kept stumbling into Arthur, though, who sometimes pulled him close, sometimes twirled him around and sometimes just shoved him away again.

They had fun. More fun than they’d had in ages, and Arthur looked so good in the bright strobe lights as he danced like he had no worries at all. He was so beautiful that Merlin just wanted to _have_ him and _keep_ him and never let him go.  

He was also drunk enough to let himself come closer. Eventually his hands landed on Arthur’s waist and Arthur pulled him close, his movements growing slower while still trying to stay in rhythm with the music. 

When Merlin looked up he found Arthur looking intently at him, his beautiful blue eyes bright and his pupils slightly dilated. They moved impossibly closer, their foreheads touching as the world around them seemed to stop.

Merlin hesitated, a small voice at the back of his head asking what this was, telling him that they shouldn’t do this, but he could almost _feel_ Arthur’s lips now, just as hesitantly hovering so close to his own.

In the end, he didn’t know who started it, but suddenly Arthur’s lips were pressed against his. The kiss started out careful and hesitant, but quickly grew into something more passionate as Merlin’s hands came up to the back of Arthur’s neck to hold onto him, to hold onto this moment.

Merlin felt like his insides were about to burst, because he’d been dreaming about this for so long and it felt so right.

Arthur’s lips were just a little bit dry, so Merlin licked over them and he felt Arthur smile into their kiss, his own tongue darting out to meet Merlin’s inside Merlin’s mouth.

Twelve years, and they’d never done _this_ before. Merlin wasn’t so sure what it meant now either, but he didn’t have any brain capacity left to think about it in that moment.

Arthur’s mouth was too perfect and kissing him was too perfect and the alcohol in his veins made him feel giddy and comfortable. Merlin’s magic seemed to like it as well, humming through his body in a way he had never experienced before.

When Arthur pulled away, Merlin really didn’t want to let him go, but Arthur was grinning at him, his lips were red and swollen and his cheeks tinged pink, and for a moment he thought about just dragging him home and doing all kinds of things to that mouth – and other body parts of his.

They both started laughing and stumbled out of the club into the freezing night, holding onto each other because they were still laughing hysterically – well, at least Merlin knew _he_ was feeling hysterical. He had no idea what Arthur thought about any of this.

Merlin still had plans for him, if Arthur let him, but once they arrived at their hotel room that Arthur had booked for the night and stumbled into bed, they both fell asleep so quickly that Merlin supposed – just before he drifted off to unconsciousness – it would have to wait another few hours.

But what were a few hours opposed to years, right?

 

 

When Merlin woke up in the morning, sprawled over Arthur and with a terrible headache, he needed a few moments to remember. Bits and pieces of the night had become blurry in his mind, but one memory was still clear as day. So clear, in fact, that Merlin could still feel Arthur’s lips pressing against his when he closed his eyes.

Merlin smiled involuntarily and buried his face at Arthur’s neck. They both smelled like beer and sweat, but Merlin didn’t care. He was finally where he’d wanted to be for so long.

He revelled in the feeling for a bit longer, waiting patiently for Arthur to wake up.

 

“Ugh, Merlin,” Arthur grumbled when he woke up about ten minutes later and shoved Merlin off with all the strength of the footballer he was.

Merlin made a face and hit him on the chest, unsure if he wanted to be annoyed or if he was still too happy to have any negative feelings like that.

“You’re not exactly a flyweight, even if you look like one,” Arthur murmured, rubbing a hand over his forehead. “Fuck, I feel like my head’s about to explode.”

An irritated frown appeared on his face when he finally looked up and met Merlin’s eyes.

“Why are you grinning like that? Aren’t you hungover?”

Merlin shrugged. “I am. But I have enough reasons to smile despite that.”

He moved a little closer, but Arthur just shook his head at him and slipped out of bed.

“Well, good for you, Merlin. I need a shower,” he grumbled and disappeared in the bathroom without looking back.

That certainly hadn't gone the way Merlin had hoped.

In fact, Merlin wasn’t even sure Arthur remembered at all now, and his smile disappeared and left room for a frown that was very similar to Arthurs.

It got even worse when Arthur’s phone vibrated on the nightstand and Merlin looked over to find a message from Elena, who was going to school with them.

 

_My parents are out tonight. Want to come over?_

 

Merlin let out an angry growl and rolled out of bed to search through the mini bar. Best to fight the hangover with a counterattack. At least that’s what Merlin’s granduncle from Germany had always called it when he tried fighting a hangover with more alcohol. After downing two little bottles of vodka, Merlin decided that he agreed. Hair of the dog _was_ the best medicine.

 

“Are you drinking again?” Arthur asked irritably when he came out of the shower and Merlin only nodded, gave him an angry scowl and disappeared in the bathroom without a single word.

“I thought you had enough _mysterious_ reasons to smile?” Arthur shouted after him, but Merlin chose to ignore him. He just wanted to go home and hide under his blanket for all eternity.

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_Guess who got rid of that virginity thing last night?_

 

Merlin threw his phone in a random direction and buried his face in his pillow. He thought he heard it shatter, but he couldn’t care less. His life wasn’t fair and he was allowed to sulk for a while. Or maybe even a while longer.

Kilgharrah - the orange tabby cat that Arthur had brought into his house a few years ago and that his mother had instantly fallen in love with and decided to keep - laughed at him from the other side of the room and Merlin turned to glare at him.

“What’s so funny?”

“Destiny goes the strangest paths, young warlock. Do not despair,” the cat said and Merlin was tempted to throw a random object from his nightstand at him. Kilgharrah had a habit of being cryptic, and he kept babbling of destiny and coins and Merlin never quite understood what he was on about. Merlin was pretty sure he was also planning to take over the world and wipe out humanity. He was a weird, creepy little thing and Merlin would’ve thrown him out ages ago if it weren’t for his Mum. Well, that wasn’t quite true. Merlin did like having a cat he could talk to. He just wished Kilgharrah would be a little less weird and a little more helpful.

  


_One day later..._

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_you not coming to school today? are you okay? still hungover? :P_

 

Merlin’s phone was still working, unfortunately, although it had a huge crack right across the display now. Merlin had finally opened up to his Mum the night before and she’d actually allowed him to stay at home from school for a few days. She’d also made him his favourite meal for dinner and a cup of tea afterwards, while they were watching a rerun of _Sherlock_ on the BBC. It had made him feel a lot better, but he still didn’t want to see Arthur just yet.

 

To: Arthur

_I’m fine._

 

From: Arthur

_you sure, mate?_

 

Merlin didn’t bother answering.

“One half cannot ignore the half which makes it whole forever, young warlock,” Kilgharrah told him seriously, but Merlin just frowned at him.

“Arthur is not my other half.”

“That your and the young Pendragon’s destinies lie together is but the truth.”

Merlin shook his head. “Why do you keep saying that?”

But Kilgharrah just laughed like Merlin was merely a ridiculous little soul.

  


_Two days later..._

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_Merlin, where are you? you can’t just leave me hanging here for 2 days in a row_

 

From: Arthur

_are we ok?_

 

From: Arthur

_Merlin what’s going on?_

 

To: Arthur

_Just caught a cold. Don’t worry._

  


_Three days later..._

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_That’s it I’m coming over after school_

 

To: Arthur

_please don’t_

 

From: Arthur

_why?_

 

To: Arthur

_I don’t want you to catch it_

 

Of course Arthur came over anyway and of course Hunith let him in and of course Arthur noticed right away that Merlin didn’t actually have a cold. Merlin wanted to hide under the bed like a kindergartener until Arthur was gone again, but he knew that wouldn’t help either of them.

“All right, what’s going on with you?” Arthur demanded as he sat down next to Merlin on his bed.

Merlin sighed. “It’s just… you and—“

“Is it because I had sex with Elena?” Arthur blurted and Merlin cringed. Spoken aloud it was even worse. And of course Arthur misread his reaction entirely. Merlin was sure he could hear Kilgharrah cackle somewhere.

“So it is. I’ve been telling  you to ask Freya out for ages now, Merls. You could’ve gotten in her pants ages ago.”

Merlin let out a frustrated groan. “I don’t _want_ to get in Freya’s pants.”

“You _don’t_?”

“No.”

“Why? I mean, she’s pretty and she’s nice—“

“Because I’m _gay_ , Arthur!” Merlin blurted and took a deep breath as soon as it was out. His hands were shaking violently and he felt a strange mix of dread and relief running through his veins.

“You’re— _what_?”

“I’m gay,” Merlin repeated, much calmer this time.

Arthur stared at him. “Merlin, is this because of what happened at the club? Because it was just a bit of fun, right?”

So Arthur _did_ remember. He just didn’t care. Just a bit of fun. Right.

“No, Arthur. I don’t think I’m gay because _you_ kissed me. I already knew before that. I told you about Gwaine, remember?”

“Yeah, but just because you kissed Morgana’s male friend that one time—“

“ _One_ time? Arthur, I was seeing him for _months_.”

Arthur was still staring at him, his mouth agape.

“For _months_? And you never told me? Merlin, why?”

Merlin averted his eyes. “Because I didn’t know how. I didn’t want things to be awkward between us.”

Arthur sighed and shook his head.

“I thought you _liked_ _Freya_. Aren’t you going to prom with her?”

“I do and I am. I’m just not attracted to her in that way.”

“But maybe you are. You’ve never tried sex with a girl, have you? I hope you would’ve told me _that_ , at least. You should try it, it’s amazing.”

Merlin sighed. “That still wouldn’t make me straight, Arthur.”

“You can’t know what you like if you didn’t try.”

Merlin had expected many different reactions from Arthur, but him trying to prove that Merlin was into girls after all was not on that list. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be angry or hurt or disappointed, or just everything at once.

So he just stared at Arthur in utter disbelief and hoped he hadn’t just destroyed their friendship.


	4. The One with the Condom Incident

Prom. When Merlin thought about it, he realized he’d never really imagined how his senior prom would go. He’d always thought he’d be there with Arthur, but there had never been anyone else at his side. He’d never imagined dancing with Freya, while Arthur was snogging Elena in the middle of the dance floor. He felt sick watching them, so he dragged Freya away from the dance floor and over to the bar, where those who were 18 or older actually got alcoholic drinks – which was exactly what he needed.

“To prom!” he said as he clinked glasses with Freya and downed his whole glass of punch in one go.

“To prom!” Freya said with a smile and ordered another round of drinks.

Merlin knew Freya liked him and he felt bad for pretending to be something he’s not, but he couldn’t exactly tell her either. He would break her heart either way – so best not break it at prom in front of everyone else. He still felt like a bad person, though, and took it as another reason to keep drinking, to drown his worries in the warmth of the alcohol.

 

Four drinks later Merlin was starting to feel a little dizzy – seriously what was _in_ this punch? – and he risked looking in the direction of the dance floor, where Arthur was still shoving his tongue down Elena’s throat. _Of course._ He tried not to think of the kiss _he’d_ shared with him on a dance floor not too long ago and took a gulp of his drink instead.

He couldn’t help thinking that his life would be a lot easier if he actually _was_ straight. He wouldn’t be in love with his best friend; and he could just enjoy prom with a lovely girl, maybe even get laid at the end of the night. 

_“You can’t know what you like if you don’t try,”_ Arthur had told him. And what if he was right? What if Merlin _could_ like girls?

Dizzy from all the alcohol and desperate as he was, he gave Freya a smile and dragged her back to the dance floor with him. It was a slow round and he didn’t waste any time before leaning in and kissing her, as gently as possible, like she would break if he pressed too hard. Like the first time, it didn’t quite appeal to him, but Merlin kept going anyway, hoping that maybe he could learn to like it more if he just kept trying.

It was pathetic and Merlin knew it, but he ignored the voice in his head that told him so.

Arthur preferred him straight, so he would try being straight.

Loving Arthur had brought him nothing but heartache after all.

Merlin wrapped his arms around Freya as they broke their kiss and tried not to notice the bright smile on her lips. Over her shoulder he met Arthur’s eyes. His friend grinned at him and gave him thumbs up, while Merlin just wanted to run and hide somewhere.

He chose to get more drunk instead.

 

His state of drunkenness, Arthur’s words, and the fact that Arthur had disappeared with Elena somewhere, probably to fuck her, led to him taking Freya to the hotel room Arthur had booked him for the night. Arthur had given him a suggestive wink alongside the key before they went to pick up the girls and Merlin had started to feel miserable at that exact point of the night.

He was still feeling miserable, but was drunk enough to ignore it and kiss Freya instead, until somehow he ended up naked in bed with her, fumbling with a condom that he tried to put on his now-hard cock. Funnily enough, he’d thought of Arthur to even get it into that state.

“Are you okay?” he asked Freya when he’d finally managed to put the damn thing on.

Freya nodded and smiled at him, making Merlin feel faintly guilty somewhere inside. He truly was a bastard for doing this and he knew it.

Merlin thought about Arthur a bit more when he sunk into her, her warmth surrounding him in a way that felt much better than Merlin had anticipated.

“Oh, Merlin,” Freya sighed softly and Merlin tried hard to keep thinking of something he was more attracted to than her. He touched her breasts softly, but it was more out of curiosity than attraction – although Merlin was now determined to make it good for her at least, and tried to think of everything he’d ever read about female genitals and how to stimulate them.

Freya did seem satisfied in the end and came with a soft moan, just before Merlin came as well, the feeling of Arthur’s lips like a phantom on his own.

Merlin smiled at Freya when he pulled out and Freya smiled back, satisfied, but mixed with something else. Almost like she knew.

Merlin swallowed and reached down to get rid of the condom – and just touched his bare cock instead. His eyes widened.

“Merlin? Oh my god, where is it?”

They were both looking around frantically, but the condom was nowhere to be found.

“Oh god, it’s still inside, isn’t it?” Freya looked panicked and Merlin fully understood why. _Of course_ this had to happen to him.

And _of course_ Freya didn’t find the damn thing on her own, which is why he ended up in hospital with her only half an hour later. It wasn’t like Merlin could use magic in front of her to try and get it out.

“I’m so sorry, Freya,” he told her when they were waiting for the doctor.

“It’s not your fault.”

And maybe it wasn’t. But Merlin still felt like it was.

He felt beyond awful about the whole thing and just hoped Freya wouldn’t carry away any permanent damage.  

 

 

“It was an utter disaster,” Merlin told Arthur when they were lounging on Merlin’s bed the next day. Arthur was laughing way too hard at Merlin’s misery and Merlin hit him with a pillow to shut him up. “It’s not funny. I’m just glad Freya is okay. She also took the morning-after pill, just to be safe.”

“All right, all right. You’re right, it’s not funny,” Arthur said, but it was obvious that he was still trying hard not to burst into loud laughter again. “So, how was it? I mean, aside from the condom getting stuck in her fanny.”

“Yeah,” Merlin said dryly. “I’m _definitely_ gay.”

“That bad? Well, at least you know for sure now.”

Merlin shook his head. “I already knew for sure before, Arthur. I was just drunk and miserable and the whole thing was a mistake and not at all fair to Freya.”

Arthur looked at him for a moment, his eyes softening. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  

“I’m sorry that I was such an arse when you told me the other day. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. I just thought… well, I thought I would _know_ , you know, that I would somehow just _know_ if my best friend was gay. I was wrong and I’m sorry, Merlin. I should’ve been more supportive.”

Merlin blinked and tried hard not to shed a tear or two at Arthur’s words. Because after all, Arthur’s support was all he’d ever wanted. Next to him as a whole, of course, but still – it was very important to Merlin to know that Arthur would stay in his life and that he was still on his side.

“And this doesn’t change anything, Merlin. You’re still an idiot, namely my favourite idiot – don’t ask me why – and I still – and don’t ask me why either – love you.”

Like a brother, was what Arthur was trying to say and Merlin knew it. They’d been very liberal with those words throughout the years and it wasn’t new or surprising that Arthur told him that he loved him. Merlin knew he did. Just not in the way Merlin wished he would.

“I love you too, clotpole,” Merlin said. _If only you knew how much._

“Your destiny awaits, young warlock,” he heard Kilgharrah say from the windowsill. “You and Arthur are but two sides of the same coin.”

The cat was laughing delightedly and Merlin decided that it was best to just ignore him.

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_Need to tell you something. I’m coming over._

 

To: Arthur

_Ok_

 

In all the years Merlin had known Arthur, he’d rarely been at his house. They were hanging around at Merlin’s most of the time, even though Arthur’s house and room were much bigger than Merlin’s. But it was also much more posh, because Arthur’s father was a rich businessman and somehow their house had always seemed a bit sterile to Merlin – which is also the reason why Arthur preferred to spend time at Merlin’s house, with Merlin’s mother cooking them food and bringing them cookies. Arthur had never told him directly, but Merlin knew it was true. He also loved Merlin’s Mum almost like she was his own and treated her like a goddess whenever he had the chance to, bringing her presents or letting her and her friends spend the weekend at his father’s very own spa. Because Arthur really was _that_ rich, even though Merlin tended to forget it.

 

Arthur arrived 20 minutes later with a broad grin plastered on his face. Merlin grew suspicious the moment he saw him standing in front of his door looking like that. Because when Arthur grinned like a maniac, he was usually full of mischief.

He’d grinned like that when he’d hidden his father’s Blackberry once when he was younger, or whenever he’d pranked Morgana again. Or that one time when he’d gone to the animal shelter to adopt a cat and then give it to Merlin’s Mum. That time he’d had that stupid grin on his face as well. And sure enough, Kilgharrah still managed to torment Merlin whenever he felt like it, babbling on and on when Merlin was behind on his schoolwork or just really needed to get some sleep. Tormenting Merlin about his love life also seemed to be one of Kilgharrah’s hobbies. Because as nice as it sometimes was to be able to talk to your cat, it could be just as annoying at the same time.

“Okay. What are you up to now?” Merlin asked as Arthur strode past him and straight into the living room.

“Your Mum still at work?” he asked as he flopped down onto the couch.

“Yeah. You didn’t answer my question.”

“Too bad. I’d have loved to tell her as well.”

“ _Arthur._ ”

Arthur looked at him and sighed. “All right. Sit.”

Merlin did as he’d been told, but not without sending suspicious looks in Arthur’s direction.

“So, you won’t believe this, but my Dad is going to move to New York for a while,” Arthur blurted as soon as Merlin was sitting next to him on the couch.

Merlin’s eyes widened.

“ _New York_?”

“Yes. And he suggested I could accompany him and apply for Columbia.”

“ _Columbia_?”

“Merlin! Stop sounding like an imbecile already, will you? Anyway, I think it’s a great idea! I mean, _New York_ , can you imagine?”

Merlin kept staring at Arthur, a feeling of dread slowly growing inside his stomach. Arthur didn’t seem to notice, though, and just kept babbling on.

“So I thought about it a lot and I applied today. I’d hate to leave you alone in this place, though, so _you_ should come with me. This town is like a dead-end anyway, so--”

Merlin needed some time to process what Arthur had just said and eventually stopped listening while his thoughts were racing. Arthur was going to New York. And he wanted him to come with him. To Columbia. What was Arthur thinking? That Merlin had a million pounds hidden somewhere?

“Arthur, I can’t go to Columbia!” he protested,  “How would I even--”

“Not Columbia, you idiot. I thought you could try for NYU. You’re smart. You can definitely get a scholarship if you try hard enough. It wouldn’t be the same university, but we’d still be in the same city and could even share a flat, or something. So what do you say?”

 _New York._ Merlin had always thought of leaving the small town he grew up in. Reach for something greater, for something new. Arthur was offering him an opportunity and Merlin would be lying if he said that he didn’t want to take it.

He and Arthur in New York. It sounded almost too good to be true.

“I say… YES! Of course, yes! Let’s go to New York.” Merlin was beaming now, matching Arthur’s broad grin and gleaming eyes.

“So it’s settled then. Don’t waste any time and apply now, though. Can’t have you forgetting about it and then me going to New York on my own because you were half asleep again.”

“I will,” Merlin promised. For the first time in a while he felt hopeful for the future again and he certainly wouldn’t let it go to waste. Going to New York with Arthur would be a fresh start; and suddenly Merlin really couldn’t wait to finally be over and done with his A-Levels and just go to a new place, meet new people, and maybe finally move on and meet other men he could fall in love with.

Merlin started filling out his application to NYU on that same day, his hands shaking a little with excitement. This could be the start of a great new chapter of his life after all.

 


	5. The One with the Small Surprise

Merlin got his letter from NYU a few weeks after he’d applied. His hands were shaking when he opened it and couldn’t help yelping excitedly when he realized that he’d actually been accepted. He already knew he could get a scholarship if his grades stayed as good as they were now, so all was settled now and he could finally prepare to go to New York with Arthur. He was just about to call him and tell him the good news when the doorbell rang and he almost dropped the letter because he was feeling so giddy. For a moment he thought Arthur could read minds now, but when he opened the door and found a heavily crying Freya in front of it, the happy smile on his face and the joke on the tip of his tongue faded abruptly. 

“Freya! Oh my God, what happened?” 

“Merlin, I’m sorry, I--” Freya started, sobs shaking her petite body. 

Merlin reached for her arm and dragged her as carefully as he could inside, where he pulled her into a hug before he said or did anything else. 

“Shhh. It’s all fine,” he said soothingly, but somehow his words seemed to have the opposite effect when Freya broke free from his embrace and stared at him with a mixture of anger and desperation.

“It’s not, Merlin! It’s not fine. Look, I know you’re not… _ into  _ me, or whatever, but--” 

“Freya--”

Freya shook her head. “Please let me talk?” 

And Merlin let her. 

“I don’t expect anything from you, but I need to tell you-- I… I can’t do this alone, Merlin.” 

Merlin frowned. He didn’t have the faintest idea what Freya was talking about. 

“Do what?”

Freya took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant, Merlin,” she blurted after a moment of silence. As soon as it was out she started crying again and Merlin felt like he was about to faint. 

This had to be a really, really bad dream or a cruel joke. 

“Wha-- you’re--What?” 

“I took five different tests. They’re all positive,” Freya sobbed and Merlin backed off until his back hit the wall.

“But-- But you took the morning-after pill, how--”

Freya nodded. Her small hands were shaking violently. “Apparently there is a 10% chance that it doesn’t take effect.”

Merlin stared at her, unable to process what was happening. 

He was  _ gay_, for crying out loud, how did he get a girl pregnant? How could he let this happen? How was this possible? 

Of course Merlin knew very well how it was possible. He’d been a selfish bastard and now he was getting just what he deserved. He only wished Freya didn’t have to suffer as well because of what he’d done. 

“I’m sorry, Merlin. Like I said, I don’t expect you to--”

Merlin held up a hand to stop her right there. 

“It’s not your fault. It really is mine, Freya. You didn’t deserve this. I was being an arsehole and now… now you’re pregnant and I’m  _ so _ sorry. Just know that I will be there for you, no matter what you decide to do.” 

Freya shook her head and came closer to take Merlin’s hand. 

“You weren’t being an arsehole. Why would you say that? It wasn’t-- Despite everything, it wasn’t such a bad first time, you know? We never said it’d grow into anything serious and I didn’t expect that it would.” 

Merlin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was his fault and he would make sure that Freya knew. He shook his head. 

“I was so selfish. I shouldn’t have... “ Merlin stared helplessly at Freya, not sure how to say what needed to be said. “The thing is… I’m  _ gay _ , Freya. I don’t-- I like boys and I knew it, but I was in a bad place that night and I thought maybe I could convince myself that I’m… but I’m not and I’m so sorry.” 

Freya stared back at him for a moment, obviously surprised by Merlin’s revelation. But after a few seconds, she reached out to cup his face in her small hand, a small smile appearing on her face. 

“Oh, Merlin. I knew something was off and I’m glad that you told me. I thought maybe you were just not into me, so that’s actually a relief, you know?” Freya chuckled softly. “That still doesn’t make you an arsehole, though. In that moment we both wanted to try and that’s fine. I’d still rather lose my virginity to a gay guy than some fuckboy, you know. And like I said, it could’ve been so much worse.” 

Merlin felt a silent tear running down his cheek. He had no idea at which point he’d started crying. In that moment he just wished he could love Freya like she deserved to be loved. 

“You’re an angel, Freya, and you don’t deserve this. I promise I’ll be there for you no matter what, even though I can’t give you all the love you deserve.” 

Merlin reached out to wipe the remaining tears from her cheeks and pulled her into a hug. Freya wrapped his arms around his waist and held on tight, her face buried at his shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, until Freya loosened her grip and Merlin let her go, watching her as she ran a hand through her hair and straightened her clothes. 

“I’m going to keep it, Merlin,” she said determinedly and Merlin nodded; he hadn’t expected her to get rid of it. “I thought about it and I can’t have an abortion. I can’t give it up for adoption either. I always wanted kids… not exactly at 18, but now it happened and I want to keep it. I really do. I won’t force you to be in his or her life, but--”

Merlin held up a hand to stop her and reached out to squeeze her hand.

“Freya. I told you I’d be there for you. And I’ll be there for the baby as well. I promise. You don’t have to do this alone.” 

Freya looked up at him and nodded, a hopeful smile gracing her lips. 

“You really think we can do this?” 

“I know we can,” Merlin said, trying to sound so much more hopeful than he felt. 

He needed to be strong for Freya. That was the least he could do for her. 

 

 

Merlin called Arthur as soon as Freya had left. His hands were shaking and he tried not to cry again, even though he felt like his whole world was breaking apart around him. 

He couldn’t go to New York now. He needed to be there for Freya and their baby. He couldn’t abandon them like his own father had abandoned his mother and him. Putting them first would be his priority from now on, even though it hurt and even though he had a hard time believing that everything would be fine, that they could make it and be happy, and that he could still live the life he’d imagined. 

He tried his best to avoid the existential crisis though, and decided to call Arthur instead of hiding in bed and crying for a while because his life just wasn’t fair and not even his magic could help him fix it. As if it had ever fixed much, he thought bitterly. 

He just really needed his best friend to hold him for awhile and tell him everything would be fine. He just really needed Arthur. 

Unfortunately, the person he needed most at that turning point of his life was “currently not available” and after Merlin had tried three times, he was really close to tears.

**New Text Message**

To: Arthur

_ What the hell are you doing? I need you! _

From: Arthur

_ out with Elena. what’s wrong? _

To: Arthur

_ I really need you, can you please come over? _

From: Arthur

_ can’t just leave her. she asked if she could come home with me after ;) _

To: Arthur

_ Arthur! Please. Something happened. _

Arthur needed more than ten minutes to answer and Merlin started thinking that Arthur had just decided to ignore him when his phone vibrated again in his hands and Merlin moved his hand quickly to wipe a tear away from his cheek. 

From: Arthur

_ i’ll be there in 10 _

Merlin put his phone down, his hands shaking violently. Arthur would be over soon. Everything would be fine. Except it wouldn’t be. 

“NOW TELL ME. HOW DOES THIS FIT INTO THIS GREAT DESTINY OF MINE, HUH?” he screamed at Kilgharrah, who just stared at him with an utterly unimpressed expression on his face. 

“The path to greatness is rocky, young warlock. I cannot foresee what obstacles you must face.”

“A BABY! THAT ISN’T JUST AN ‘OBSTACLE’! IT’S A BABY! MY BABY! HOW CAN I… I’M NOT EVEN--”

“A child of yours will inherit your greatness. You must take good care of it.” 

Merlin stared at the orange tabby, eyes wide. “Inherit my-- you mean he - or she, will have magic?” 

“It is indeed very likely, young warlock.” 

Great. As if the whole situation wasn’t bad enough already. How was he going to explain to Freya that their child would likely be supernatural?

Then again, he tried to calm himself, why was he listening to a cat at all? Kilgharrah was probably insane and Merlin really shouldn’t listen to him. And he wouldn’t, if there wasn’t this strange feeling in his chest every time Kilgharrah was talking about destiny and coins and kings and greatness. Like he just  _ knew _ there was some truth to it, even though it made no sense and the cat probably had a screw loose somewhere. 

Despite his best efforts, Merlin was pretty much in tears when Arthur finally arrived at his doorstep. Arthur wrapped him into a hug as soon as he took notice of the state of his face and kicked the door shut with his foot. 

“What happened?” Arthur asked softly as he let go and stepped back to look at Merlin. 

“Freya is pregnant,” Merlin blurted and tried not to panic as the harsh truth washed over him all over again. 

Arthur gaped at him. Merlin could almost see this brain processing the new information, until his expression changed into a mixture of surprise and disbelief. 

“By  _ you _ ?” 

“Of course by me, what do you think? The condom got stuck in her vagina, remember?” 

“But-- didn’t she take the morning-after pill?” Arthur asked, just like Merlin had asked Freya before.

“She did. Apparently they only work in 90% of all cases.” 

Arthur stared some more, before he shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.

“Fuck,” he said. “Did she say what she’s going to do?” 

“She’s going to keep it.” 

“Fuck.” 

Merlin shook his head. “If it was my choice, I would keep it as well.” 

“I know. I know you, Merlin, remember? Still. Fuck. This is all my fault, isn’t it? If I hadn’t pushed you…” 

“Arthur. It really isn’t your fault. I make my own decisions and I made some that were very ill-advised and now I have to live with the consequences, as tough as they are.” 

Arthur took a deep breath and shook his head again, as if he was still trying to process everything he’d just heard. 

“Still, Merlin. If I had been more supportive, you probably wouldn’t have slept with her. Or would you? Be honest.” 

Merlin sighed deeply. “Probably not.” 

“See? So it is at least partly my fault.” 

Sighing again, Merlin shrugged and turned to finally go farther back into the house than the hallway. “It doesn’t change a thing, though, does it? She’s pregnant and that’s all that matters now.”  

Arthur followed him inside and into the kitchen, where Merlin rummaged through the cupboards to find Hunith’s liquor stash. He found a bottle of Bailey’s and supposed it would do. When he turned back around he saw that Arthur had found his letter from NYU and sighed deeply, suddenly wishing for something that would burn a little more. 

“You got in,” Arthur stated.

“Yeah.”

“But you won’t go.” Arthur sounded resigned, but it wasn’t a question. Arthur knew. He knew Merlin well enough to understand that he wouldn’t leave Freya and his baby alone to study in New York. 

“I can’t.” 

“I know.”

They sighed in unison and Arthur walked over to pull Merlin into another hug. 

“I’ll still miss my favourite wizard,” he whispered close to Merlin’s ear. 

“You don’t even know any other wizards.” 

“As if anyone could ever live up to  _ you _ , Merlin. I don’t have to know other wizards to know who’s my favourite.”

Merlin tried really hard not to cling onto Arthur and cry into his shoulders without any intention of ever letting go again.

 

 

Arthur was still there when Merlin told his mother that night. Hunith was as supportive as she always was, albeit surprised after her son had told her that he was gay very clearly only a few years earlier. She pulled him into a motherly hug after Merlin had explained everything. 

“Oh, Merlin, honey. You know you can always talk to me. I wish you would’ve talked to me. That poor girl. I hope she knows we’ll be there for her.” 

“I told her I would never leave her alone with this. But she also knows that I’m gay…  _ now _ . I told her that as well.”

“Good. It’ll be hard, Merlin, but it’s not the end of the world. And you’re not alone with this. You have me and Arthur…” Hunith gave Arthur a look over Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin wasn’t sure if she had forgiven him for not being supportive of Merlin right away just yet. “And I think I can speak for us both if I say we will always be there for you and your baby.” 

“Always,” he heard Arthur say firmly, like he’d just made a decision. 

Merlin just hoped he wouldn’t have to talk him out of something stupid again. 

He had no such luck. 

“Arthur, no. You can’t stay here with me!” Merlin insisted when Arthur told him about his new plan a bit later that night. “Don’t make me regret that I told you at all.” 

“But we planned this together! It wouldn’t be fair to go to New York without you, not when this could’ve been avoided if I had been a better friend in the first place.” 

“You staying here won’t make it any better, Arthur. This is my mess to deal with! You should be with your father and go to freaking Columbia, and not be stuck here with me and an infant. Please go for me, if nothing else.” 

Arthur shook his head. “Merlin--”

“No, Arthur. I won’t even discuss this with you anymore. You can’t put your life on hold because of me. Don’t be an idiot.” 

Of course Merlin didn’t want Arthur to leave. But he also knew Arthur  _ had _ to leave. Merlin couldn’t let him abandon his dreams because of him. It would be hard to be thousands of kilometres apart after seeing each other almost every day for what felt like their whole lives, but somehow they’d have to learn to live with it. It wasn’t like they would never see each other again, after all. 


	6. The One with the Poo

The following months felt blurry when Merlin looked back on them. He was spending most of his time studying for his A-Levels or with Freya and Arthur, somehow trying to make everything right again. Arthur broke up with Elena at the end of February and tried to be around Merlin as much as possible before he would leave for New York in the summer. Merlin could tell that he was still feeling guilty, noble as he was, but Merlin wouldn’t hear any of it. 

Freya’s belly was growing steadily and with it Merlin’s anxiety. When he heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time and saw its tiny shape on the sonogram screen, it suddenly started to feel real and for the first time he realized that he was actually going to be a dad. That there was a tiny human being that would need him to be there and that he would be connected to for the rest of his life. 

Merlin showed up at Arthur’s doorstep that night, feeling very close to having a panic attack. He had trouble breathing and the world was spinning around him and Merlin had no idea how to make it stop. 

“You need to breathe, Merlin,” Arthur told him as the placed him on the couch in his posh living room and sat down next to him, soothingly running a hand up and down his back. 

“I’m trying,” Merlin said, sounding strangled. 

“Just focus on me, okay? Everything will be fine. I promise.” 

Eventually Arthur managed to calm him down and when Merlin was finally able to breathe freely again, he felt so exhausted that he fell asleep on Arthur’s shoulder while they were watching a film on Arthur’s giant telly. 

He knew why he’d come to Arthur that night. There was nobody else who could calm him like Arthur could. They’d been there for each other for so long that they knew exactly what the other needed to calm down after a panic attack; they knew each other in and out, and there was no one either of them trusted more than they trusted each other. It was another thing that scared Merlin, too, because Arthur would leave in the summer and he wouldn’t be around anymore to hug Merlin when he needed it or to calm him down when he was panicking.

It would be so hard to be without Arthur for so long and Merlin would miss him so much; he dreaded the day they’d have to say goodbye more than anything. 

 

But the day came, inevitably, and without mercy. Freya was eight months pregnant and Merlin wasn’t sure if he was truly feeling calmer now or if it was just the calm before the storm. Everything would change as soon as the baby was actually born. He just wished he’d have his best friend around when the time came. 

Merlin drove Arthur to the airport, his heart heavy and his eyes burning with unshed tears. Arthur was very quiet as he stared out of the window, and Merlin understood the sentiment. He knew Arthur didn’t want to leave as much as he’d want to if Merlin could accompany him. Arthur had told him so multiple times, even offered to stay, but as much as Merlin wanted him to, he knew that he couldn’t let him. 

Merlin hugged Arthur tightly when it was time to say goodbye. He didn’t want to let go, and judging by his tight grip around him, Arthur didn’t want to either. 

“Send me a text when you’re there, okay?” Merlin whispered, trying so hard not to start crying. But Arthur was family; Arthur was  _ everything,  _ and saying goodbye for the first time was so hard. 

“I’m going to miss you, clotpole. So much,” he added when Arthur nodded against his shoulder. 

“I’m going to miss you, too,” Arthur said softly, and was his voice breaking a little? Arthur rarely showed his emotions and when he did, Merlin was usually the only one around to witness. Arthur felt deeply, he cared so much and loved with all his heart; but Merlin was the only person in the world who knew that about Arthur. To the rest of the world, he was the arrogant rich guy, the ambitious footballer, who had learned to stand up against bullies and was always fair, but otherwise a little standoffish. Merlin had always joked that he was a bit like a beloved royal: admired by everyone, handsome and gracious, but a bit arrogant and beyond reach at the same time. 

Arthur pulled back a little to look at Merlin; their foreheads were almost touching now and Merlin felt a flutter in his stomach when he met Arthur’s eyes. 

“Is that Arthur Pendragon crying because of me?” Merlin chuckled faintly, ignoring that he sounded strangled himself. 

Arthur snorted quietly. “In your dreams.” 

Merlin’s hand came up to the back of Arthur’s neck to pull him closer until their foreheads were touching and their lips were closer than they’d been since Merlin’s birthday. Suddenly, the air was heavy between them, filled with something Merlin couldn’t quite put his finger on. 

Merlin wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them and press his lips against Arthur’s, to get another taste of what he knew he couldn’t have. Arthur wasn’t pulling away, just like he had kissed him in the club on his birthday, and Merlin didn’t know why, but he knew that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t kiss him again not knowing what it meant. He  _ shouldn’t _ . 

Merlin’s breathing was ragged as he tried to pull away, pull away from temptation, but Arthur held him in place and hesitated until the tension between them grew almost unbearable. Merlin was so close to giving in; but then Arthur beat him to it and pressed a kiss to the corner of Merlin’s mouth, lingering just a bit longer than he should. 

Merlin stared at him as he pulled away and Arthur smiled softly, looking almost pleased with himself. Then he reached out again and ruffled Merlin’s hair, finally releasing the tension and making Merlin chuckle warmly. 

“See you soon,” Arthur said with a bright smile, one of those that Merlin loved so much and made him want to reach out and drag Arthur right back home with him. 

Instead he smiled back and nodded. “See you soon.” 

And then he watched Arthur go, hoping that it wasn’t just an empty promise. 

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ new flat is rad _

To: Arthur

_ you are posh, of course it is _

From: Arthur

_ shut up _

To: Arthur

_ never _

 

_ _

 

Merlin knew that Freya was staring at him. He was smiling at his phone again, like he always did when Arthur sent him a text. He’d been gone for a little more than two weeks, and they’d constantly been in contact via text messages, phone calls or video chats. It was still weird, not being able to see him in person every day, but Merlin found that he was starting to get used to it, even though it was still hard. 

He tried not to think about the kiss at the airport too much, because he had no idea what it meant and thinking about it only gave him headaches. Even though he knew Arthur in and out, he was still a mystery to him sometimes; it drove Merlin mad, not knowing what he was thinking, so he decided it was best not to think about it. 

“You miss him, don’t you?” Freya asked over a bowl of popcorn, a soft smile dancing around her lips. 

Merlin put his phone down and sighed, shrugging as he leaned back on the couch. 

“I know you do,” she said softly and with a knowing look on her face.

Freya’s belly was huge at this point and Merlin reached out to caress it absentmindedly, like he did so often these days, always hoping that his daughter decided to kick a little for him, just to show him that she was there. 

“You love him.” 

Merlin held his breath, but didn’t look at her. Of course he loved Arthur. He always had. And somehow Freya had seen it; and if she could, then he wondered who else had noticed. 

“Of course I do. He’s my best friend,” Merlin said defensively.

“Okay.” Freya nodded patiently. “You’re in love with him, though.” 

Merlin sighed and finally tilted his head to meet Freya’s eyes. 

“Is it that obvious?” 

“It is to me. But I’ve known you a while, Merlin.”

Merlin was quiet for a while, just smiling delightedly when he felt the baby kicking against his palm.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it? Nothing will ever happen, and he’s in another country now. Time to move on.” 

Freya covered his hand on her belly with her own and squeezed it comfortingly. 

“Love always matters, Merlin,” she told him sincerely, and once again Merlin wished he could love her as much as she deserved to be loved. 

“You’re right. But maybe sometimes it’s just not meant to be. Maybe the love of my life is still out there somewhere and I just haven’t met him yet.” 

Freya didn’t look like she believed him, judging by the frown on her face. Merlin wasn’t even sure he believed it himself. It was hard, imagining he could ever love someone as much as he loved Arthur. But at the same time he knew he would have to, someday. Maybe he’d have to  _ learn _ to love someone else. Or maybe someone out there would surprise him still and sweep him off his feet. 

“You’re young, Merlin.  _ We’re _ young. Anything could happen. You just-- You can’t ever stop believing in love. Promise me you won’t.” 

Merlin smiled softly at her. He did believe in love. He always had. 

“I won’t.” 

Even though it was hard, even though it seemed unfair that the universe had decided he had to fall madly in love with his best friend of all people. However, he knew that loving Arthur was real; and that he could never not believe in it, even if they could never be together, at least not in the way Merlin wanted them to be. 

“You should listen to her, young warlock,” Kilgharrah said behind him; he was sitting on the backrest, close to Merlin’s shoulder. “She is a very smart young lady.” 

That, Merlin could only agree with.

 

 

The baby came two weeks later. 

Freya had moved in with Merlin and his Mum after they’d come to the conclusion that it was the best solution for everyone. They had enough free space in their house for another person and a baby, while Freya’s parent’s house was crowded enough already with Freya’s siblings. 

So when Freya went into labour, she was watching a film with Merlin on the couch in their living room. Merlin fell into a state of panic the moment Freya started groaning and told Merlin that the baby was coming. 

“Mum! The baby is coming!” he yelled through the house and from that moment on, everything was a blur of emotions. They drove Freya to the hospital and Merlin soon found himself sitting at Freya’s side, holding her hand while she seemed to be in so much pain that Merlin started feeling even worse about getting her pregnant in the first place.

Merlin had no idea how much time passed until he finally heard the soft cries of a newborn and saw the doctor holding up a tiny human being. His daughter, he tried to remind himself, but it was too much to fathom and Merlin was still feeling dizzy from the whole process. 

Then someone handed him the baby, wrapped in a blanket and still crying softly and Merlin could just stare at her tiny head and her even tinier fingers clenching and unclenching as she was about to fall asleep in his arms. 

“There were some complications; we need to take care of the mother first. Don’t worry, though, it’s all routine,” someone told him and next he knew, Merlin was shoved out of the room. Only then Merlin realized what they’d said and he looked around for his Mum, for someone to reassure him that it was really routine and that Freya would be okay. He could never forgive himself if anything happened to her. 

His daughter had fallen asleep in his arms and was breathing steadily. Someone had washed her before giving her to him, he realized. She was beautiful. Tiny and alive and so beautiful. Merlin let himself look at her and felt calmer by the minute, trying to focus just on her and his breathing. 

For the second time that day, Merlin had no idea how much time passed until he was allowed to go back into the room, where Freya was resting on the bed, looking exhausted, but fine and - most of all - alive. Merlin felt a heavy weight lifting off his shoulders when he saw her smiling softly at them and he smiled back as he placed their daughter in her waiting arms. 

“Anna,” Freya said softly and Merlin nodded, unable to wipe the smile from his face.

“Anna,” he repeated, staring down at the little girl in Freya’s arms. She was so alive, and so real, and she was there because of him and for the first time since Prom night, Merlin couldn’t regret what he’d done. Because how could he ever regret this tiny human being in Freya’s arms that Merlin already loved more than anything? 

“She’s so beautiful,” Freya whispered adoringly. 

Merlin reached out to caress Anna’s little head. “She really is.” 

 

**New Text Message**

To: Arthur

_ It’s a girl! _

From: Arthur

_ you’re a dad! oO _

To: Arthur

_ You and Anna share a birthday, how cool is that? _

_ Oh, that reminds me: Happy Birthday, clotpole! :) _

From: Arthur

_ she already knows what’s good _

_ thanks clotpole _

To: Arthur

_ You’re exactly 19 years older than her. _

From: Arthur

_ you don’t say _

To: Arthur

_ Prat. You wanna see her? _

From: Arthur

_ of course! :) _

 

_ _

 

“You look like a zombie,” Arthur said bluntly the moment he answered Merlin’s video call and got to see him for the first time since the baby was born. 

“Thanks. I feel like one, too. Anna doesn’t like to sleep at night very much…  _ Colics _ , apparently.” 

Arthur scrunched up his nose and leaned closer to the camera, looking at something on Merlin’s head. Merlin frowned; he was too tired for this.  

“Is that poo on your forehead?” Arthur asked before Merlin could be annoyed and Merlin instinctively wiped a hand over his forehead, just to find brown, smelly mud on it when it came back. It was indeed poo, and Merlin found that he wasn’t even surprised. He reached for a handkerchief to wipe it off.

“Ugh. Gross,” he murmured and tried his best to ignore Arthur’s laughter, which Kilgharrah joined in heartily and earned a glare from Merlin.

“The cat is laughing as well, isn’t he?” 

“Of course he is. It’s the character trait you both share; you both love to see me suffer.” 

“All right, all right.” Arthur raised his hands in surrender. “I can’t imagine what stress you must be going through if you don’t realize that you’re walking around with poo on your head. I apologize.” He was still half-laughing and Merlin knew he was still teasing him. 

“You’re lucky my magic doesn’t work through the screen or I’d dye your hair purple.” 

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I would.” 

Arthur shook his head, still grinning. “All right, I’m sorry. Please don’t transform me into a barbie doll.” 

A small smile snuck onto Merlin’s lips. “A Ken doll, if anything.” 

Arthur returned his smile and Merlin knew they were both thinking about the same thing, reminiscing about old times, when everything had been so easy. 

Merlin sighed when the moment was over and leaned forward.

“So, how are you? How’s New York?” he asked and tried to sound as cheerful as he could. 

“I’m great, New York’s great…” Arthur said, but somehow it didn’t sound like he really meant it. 

“It doesn’t sound so great.” 

Arthur sighed. “I guess I’m not used to not having to be annoyed by you all the time.” 

Merlin snorted and hid a smiled behind his hands. 

“I miss you, too, you dollop-head.” 

Freya chose that moment to enter the room and shove Anna into his arms, muttering something about desperately needing a bath and disappearing again before Merlin could do so much as say a word in response. 

Anna was awake and smiling softly, her tiny hands clenching around Merlin’s thumb. 

“Look, Anna. It’s your uncle Arthur,” Merlin said softly, grinning like a maniac when he met Arthur’s eyes. 

“Hello, Anna. Remember, no matter what your father tells you, _ he _ is the dollop-head.”  

Merlin snorted. “Don’t listen to him, little one. He’s a prat.” 

“Oi! Don’t teach her that! I want her to like me.” 

“She’s an infant, Arthur. She won’t remember any of this. And if she takes after me just a little, she  _ will definitely _ like you, but ask herself her whole life why the hell she does.” 

Arthur looked scandalized. “Oi!”

Merlin decided to ignore him and change the topic to something more serious instead, something he’d meant to talk to Arthur about for ages. 

“Speaking of her taking after me… The cat keeps mentioning something… He says it’s very likely that Anna has inherited my…  special talent,” he said, his voice low because he didn’t know if Freya went to the bathroom already. 

“Anna has magic?!” Arthur exclaimed and Merlin looked warily around the room.

“Shhh! Freya doesn’t know about my magic,” he whispered and Arthur nodded, immediately lowering his voice.

“Of course not, sorry. I just… are you sure? That she has magic, I mean?” 

“I think so. I mean… I don’t know if my father had it and if I inherited it from him, but somehow, when Kilgharrah said it’d be likely I had a feeling that he was right. And now it’s like… like my magic can sense hers. It’s hard to describe… and I really don’t have enough knowledge or experience to tell for sure. But I really think she has it.” 

“I believe you if you say so, you know I do. But you’re gonna have to tell Freya, then. Otherwise she’ll have a heart attack when Anna starts letting her stuffed animals levitate above her crib.” 

Merlin knew he had to tell Freya. He’d known for a while, but just hadn’t been brave enough to say something, let alone show her. He hadn’t told anyone about his magic since he’d been a 7-year-old boy and it was scary, sharing a secret he had kept for so long with someone else. 

“I know… I know. I’m just not sure how. I mean, how do you tell someone that magic is real and that you have it and their child probably has it as well?”

Arthur smiled a little. “You never told anyone but me, did you?” 

“Never.” Merlin returned his smile, well aware of what their shared secret meant to both of them. Telling Freya would take something away from them; it would mean that there was someone else knowing this detail about Merlin that nobody else knew. 

“Freya deserves to know, though,” he added and Arthur nodded, albeit looking a little sad. Merlin didn’t know what to tell him. So many things were changing around them, and between them as well, and it wasn’t easy, but Merlin hoped that they’d somehow make it through. 

Anna stirred in Merlin’s arms and Merlin held her up to look at her. She looked like she was about to start crying, but instead of releasing a high-pitched whimpering sound, she decided to throw up on Merlin instead, her white vomit running down his cheek. 

Merlin gagged and Arthur laughed, seemingly unable to hold back. 

“Ugh. Wait until you’re a dad. Then I’ll be the one laughing at  _ you _ . You just wait,” Merlin grumbled as his eyes changed their colour and the vomit disappeared in a heartbeat. 

“You’re cheating!” Arthur complained on his screen and Merlin just stuck his tongue out at him like a kindergartener. 

“It’s not cheating; it’s taking advantage of my natural resources.”

“Right.” Arthur smirked. “There’s still a bit in your hair, though.” 

Merlin assumed that was true, because his magic was still untrained and often imperfect, but he tried his best to get better at it, even though it was hard without having anyone to help him with it. It wasn’t like he’d gotten a letter from Hogwarts on his 11th birthday. 

But instead of admitting anything, Merlin just glared at Arthur, Anna now resting against his shoulder. “Prat.” 

 

 

Telling Freya about his secret was difficult. Merlin postponed it again and again, until Hunith started giving him chastising glances whenever he met her around the house. 

It was Saturday night and Merlin had already had two glasses of wine with his mother when he finally found the courage to sit Freya down at the kitchen table and tell her.

Hunith nodded encouragingly when Merlin looked to her for help, as Freya was watching him expectantly. 

“So… there is this thing you need to know. I have something and chances are high that Anna has it, too, and--”

Freya’s eyes widened and Hunith shook her head. 

“Do you have some kind of disease I didn’t know about? Oh my god, is it bad? What can--”

Merlin held up a hand. Of course he’d find a way to mess this up and scare the hell out of Freya before he finally got to the point. He sighed.

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s just, and this is going to sound really crazy… I have magic.” Merlin blurted and watched Freya as her worried gaze turned into a frown. 

“Do you think this is funny? You really scared me there!” 

“No, honestly. I have magic. I was born with it. Nobody knows, except my Mum and Arthur.”

“Merlin. Do you really expect me to believe this? As much as I’d love it, we’re not in a Harry Potter novel.” 

Merlin nodded and started focussing on the glass of wine in front of him. 

“Let me show you.” 

Seconds later the glass levitated a few centimetres above the table and Freya gasped in surprise. 

“Oh my god!” Freya sounded more excited than scared and Merlin took that as a good sign. 

“See. Sadly, Hogwarts is not real, no. Well, I guess  _ if _ it is, I think they forgot me.” 

“Oh my god!” Freya repeated, now practically beaming at him. “You have magic! Magic is real! I can’t believe this!  _ Holy fuck _ .” 

Merlin thought it was probably the first time he’d ever heard Freya swear. 

“What else can you do?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with excitement. 

Merlin laughed, focussed on her dark hair and waited for Freya to shriek as soon as his work was done. And sure enough, Freya did shriek when she noticed that her hair wasn’t exactly dark brown anymore. 

“It’s blue! Ha! I love it!”

Merlin changed her hair back and laughed in relief. Freya hadn’t reacted badly, and once again Merlin had stressed out because of nothing. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

“Anna has it, too,” Merlin said then, more seriously. “I can feel it already. It’s like my magic can sense hers, probably because hers is part of mine in a way.”

Freya nodded, her bright smile unwaveringly gracing her lips. 

“It’s a gift, Merlin. If she has it, I’m happy for her.”

And that was that, just like that. Merlin wondered again why he’d been so worked up because of his magic for months, and so terrified of telling Freya. He should’ve known that she’d be supportive, that she’d like it even. 

“It’ll take some time to get used to this, though. I mean,  _ magic is real _ , for heaven’s sake! It’s like anything is possible now. But I’m happy for her. That she has such an amazing Dad. And that’s not just because you passed your special gift onto her. I really mean it, Merlin. You’ve been great and getting pregnant at 18… well, it’s not easy, but I couldn’t have wished for a better baby daddy.” 

Merlin smiled softly at Freya. The truth was, he couldn’t have wished for a better mother to his child either. Freya was kind and supportive and if Merlin was straight, or bi, or had any other sexuality that would make him like girls, really,  he would love her like crazy. He knew he would. As it was, Freya was one of his best friends and Merlin was glad to have her, especially now that Arthur was out of reach. 

Anna decided to choose that moment to start crying in her cradle in the living room and Merlin got up with a sigh, walked around the table and placed a kiss on Freya’s head.

“Stay. I’ll go,” he told her and Freya smiled gratefully as she reached out to squeeze his hand encouragingly.

Merlin tried to take care of Anna as much as he could, and give Freya as much free time as possible. Raising a child was hard work, Merlin knew that now, and he still felt guilty that Freya couldn’t start going to university now like she’d planned, so he tried to make it up to her. And, of course, he loved spending time with his daughter, even though he was now tired most of the time and looked like he came straight out of a zombie film . Anna was worth all of his suffering.

 

 

**New Text Message**

To: Arthur

_ Freya took it well. She keeps trying to get me to change her hair colour.  _

From: Arthur

_ told you. nobody can stay mad at you for long. there’s something about you… _

To: Arthur

_ It’s because I’m cute. And she wasn’t mad to begin with. _

From: Arthur

_ you do look like a puppy most of time with those ears of yours _

To: Arthur

_ Thanks. I’ll take that as a compliment. I like puppies. _

 


	7. The One with Master Yoda

Merlin didn’t expect much for his 19th birthday. It wouldn’t be anything like his previous one, for better or worse. Merlin had planned to stay in, maybe open a bottle of wine and watch a movie with his Mum and Freya, while Anna was asleep in his arms. Merlin didn’t need anything else.

Except that was a lie. If anyone asked what Merlin’s biggest wish for his birthday was, he’d probably tell them that it was Arthur. He just wanted his best friend to be around, just like he’d been for his last twelve birthdays. But Arthur was miles away and Merlin’s heart was heavy when he thought about it.

Freya and Hunith were out to buy groceries in the morning and Merlin was playing lazily with Anna on the couch when the doorbell rang. Merlin frowned, picked Anna up, and shuffled towards the door, already annoyed with whomever had decided to disturb his peace. Merlin just wanted to spend his birthday sulking and drowning in self-pity, was that too much to ask?

What he didn’t expect was finding his biggest and most beloved birthday present in front of his door when he yanked it open.

His frown disappeared immediately and made room for a brilliant smile.

“Arthur!”

Arthur returned Merlin’s smile and stepped forward to press a kiss to Anna’s head, before leaning in to give Merlin a one-armed hug, careful not to hurt the baby in his arms.

“Surprise! Happy birthday, clotpole,” he said softly and Merlin felt a familiar kind of warmth spreading in his chest. Arthur was there, right in front of him, on his birthday. Finally.

“Arthur!” Merlin said again, grinning from ear to ear. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have classes to attend?”

Arthur shrugged. “I do. But my best friend’s birthday is more important. Plus, it’s about time I got to meet Anna.” He smiled tenderly at the infant in Merlin’s arms as he reached out to pat her head carefully. Merlin felt like he was about to burst with love and happiness as Arthur all but cooed over his daughter.

“Do you want to hold her?” Merlin asked. Anna was in Arthur’s arms in a heartbeat, and he chose to ignore Merlin for the moment as he walked inside the house, gently talking to the baby. Merlin chuckled and heaved Arthur’s suitcase inside. He’d had no idea that Arthur was like this with babies, all excited and affectionate.

And when he watched him and his daughter on the couch, Arthur smiling softly and Anna laughing heartwarmingly, Merlin swore he fell even more in love with Arthur right in that moment.

“We have a lot in common, you know?” Merlin heard Arthur say quietly. He didn’t think Arthur knew he was listening. “You were born on the same day as me, only 19 years later. Both our names start with an ‘A’... And we both love your Dad. More than he knows.”

Merlin bit his lip and disappeared into the kitchen, where he leaned against the counter and took a deep breath. He felt tears burning in his eyes, not quite ready to fall. He didn’t even know if they were happy tears or if it was just his heart feeling so heavy because he knew he’d never hear those words from Arthur in the right context. Arthur loved Merlin, but not like Merlin loved him, and it hurt that he couldn’t have him. It still did, after so long, and Merlin didn’t think it would ever go away.

He wiped a single tear from the corner of his eye and cleared his throat. Dwelling on unrequited feelings wouldn’t change anything, so Merlin straightened up and walked over to the living room, flopping down next to Arthur.

“She’s wonderful,” Arthur told him.

Merlin nodded. “She really is.”

“It’s funny, sometimes, how life goes, isn’t it? I mean, you’re gay and if things had gone right, you would never have become a teenage dad. Yet here we are, because I was an idiot and you were, too.”

“I’m glad I was, though. I mean, this is not easy and I’m still feeling guilty, and I shouldn’t have done it, but despite all that, I can’t regret Anna, you know? I just _can’t_. And I don’t want to, either.”

“And what would be the point in regretting anything now anyway? It’s not like you can change it,” Arthur said wisely and held Anna up in front of him. “And who would want to? Wishing your little sweetheart away? Noooo, we’re not going to do that. Never,” Arthur added with his cooing voice and Merlin chuckled.

 _Oh god, I love you so much_ , Merlin wanted to say. But he didn’t. He just smiled happily, glad that his greatest birthday wish had come true, no matter what.

 

 

Arthur stayed for a whole week and shared Merlin’s bed like he’d done when they were little, and just like old times, they spend the nights talking about life and love and school. They were regularly interrupted by Anna’s cries now, but other than that it felt like everything Merlin had missed since Arthur had moved to New York.

On Arthur’s last day in England, Merlin woke up with Anna sleeping peacefully on his chest and Arthur’s arm wrapped around them both, his head so close to Merlin’s neck he could feel his warm breath on his skin. Merlin shivered, the warmth spreading in his chest while his heart felt heavy with possibilities that could never become reality, even though it felt so good waking up like this.

Merlin closed his eyes again, trying to savour the moment as long as it lasted. He probably wouldn’t have both of his favourite people so close again in the near future, if ever, so Merlin wanted to make sure to save it among his fondest memories.

He was so far gone after a while that he didn’t notice Freya coming in until she cleared her throat. Merlin startled a little and opened his eyes to find Freya watching them with a soft - and just a little bit fond - smile on her lips.

She came over to pick Anna up, careful not to wake Arthur in the process and winked encouragingly at Merlin when she left the room to go and breastfeed Anna, like she did every morning. Merlin sighed quietly. If only there was anything to wink about.

Arthur stirred next to him, grumbled something under his breath and snuggled closer to Merlin now that there wasn’t a fragile infant resting on Merlin’s chest anymore.

Arthur had always been a cuddler. Merlin couldn’t even count the mornings he’d woken up with Arthur sprawled over him before. It had always been something that caused Merlin to have butterflies in his stomach, a hammering heart and a warm feeling in his chest. It was just the same now, and Merlin wrapped his arms around him and closed his eyes again, trying to savour those last moments that were left before Arthur would take a flight back to New York.

 

Merlin didn’t know how much time passed before Arthur started stirring and opened his eyes, tiredly staring up at Merlin from under his eyelashes. And god, he was so beautiful and so close and it was so hard not to kiss him when he looked like that, his hair tousled and his cheeks pink from sleeping.

Arthur groaned, closed his eyes again and buried his face in Merlin’s chest.

“I don’t want to leave. Can’t you just come with me?”

Merlin sighed. “You know I can’t. Anna needs me.”

“I know.”

Arthur sighed against Merlin’s chest, before rolling away from him and slipping out of bed. He picked up his phone from the desk and groaned again when he saw what time it was. Merlin assumed it was well past 10am already.

“I wish I could stay,” Arthur told him and Merlin could see how reluctant he was to leave. He’d known that Arthur had wanted to stay with him from the start, but something had changed about the way he said it, about the way he looked at Merlin. But maybe that was just Merlin’s imagination. He knew he wanted to see the signs so desperately that it was likely that he was just imagining things.

 

Watching Arthur saying goodbye to Anna was heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. Arthur was so fond of Anna, even more so now than he had been from the moment he met her. And Anna liked him, too. Merlin could not only see it, he could also feel it in the way her magic reacted to him. Then again, that didn’t really came as a surprise; she was her father’s daughter after all.

Saying goodbye to Arthur again himself was only heartbreaking. Merlin wondered if he’d ever get used to it. Probably not. Saying goodbye to Arthur just never felt right and Merlin didn’t think it ever would.

“See you soon?” Merlin asked softly when Arthur was once again about to leave to the part of the airport where Merlin couldn’t follow.

Arthur nodded. “Soon.”

It sounded like a promise.

 

 

Arthur came to celebrate New Year’s with them that year, and after that there was a long phase of Skyping and texting on a daily basis until Arthur finally managed to visit them again for Anna’s first birthday - which also happened to be Arthur’s 20th birthday. Merlin always thought it was a brilliant coincidence that the two most important people in his life - beside his Mum, of course - shared a birthday. Or maybe it wasn’t a coincidence at all. If Kilgharrah was to be believed, the universe just had a way of shoving destiny down their throats like that.

“That you and the young King would share a destiny has been prophesied since the beginning of time, young warlock,” the cat told him one day when Merlin was talking to Freya about the remarkable coincidence of Anna and Arthur sharing a birthday.

“You do realize that Arthur is not a King, right? He’s just a common prat,” Merlin had informed him, but Kilgharrah had just laughed in his face.

“Arthur is the Once and Future King.”

Merlin had shaken his head and once again decided that it was probably best not to listen to the cat. “Yeah. Right,” he’d just said and offered Kilgharrah a bowl of cat milk.

 

They had a really good time celebrating two birthdays, and Anna surprised them all by using magic for the first time when she made her favourite stuffed animal levitate above her playpen. Her eyes shone golden, gleaming brightly in contrast to her dark curls, just like Merlin’s did when he used magic, and Merlin couldn’t help feeling a little bit proud. She would have to keep it secret, just like he had to, and it wouldn’t be easy, but Merlin was still proud of her and felt a little bit relieved as well at the fact that he wasn’t the only one with magic around anymore.

“Merlin did the exact same thing!” Hunith told them. “On his first birthday, suddenly his eyes started glowing and his teddy bear started levitating in the air in the middle of the kitchen! As you can imagine, I was taken by complete surprise and I called my old friend Gaius who knows a little something about supernatural occurrences and he could calm me down, otherwise I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

Freya nodded understandingly.

“I’m glad I have you guys, otherwise I think I might’ve had a heart attack if I hadn’t known.”

Kilgharrah jumped onto Merlin’s shoulders like he sometimes did when he was trying to get his undivided attention or tried to have a better overview of what was happening around the house.

“A great future lies ahead for the young enchantress!” he told Merlin.

Merlin sighed, a little bit amused. “What’s _her_ destiny then? Who shares a coin with her?”

All heads turned to him and Kilgharrah.

“What does the cat have to say now?” Arthur asked, looking just as amused as Merlin felt.

“That Anna has a great future ahead of her.”

Freya smiled brightly and walked over to pet Kilgharrah, who had made himself comfortable on Merlin’s shoulder without any intention of leaving anytime soon.

“Well, that’s what we all hope, isn’t it?”

Kilgharrah started purring loudly, like he always did when Freya petted him. It had to be her, though. Whenever Merlin tried petting him, he’d just bite his hand and walk away.

“There is another side to her coin, young warlock. In time, you’ll see,” Kilgharrah said over his incessant purring, before he let Freya pick him up and take him away from Merlin’s shoulder.

Somehow, it made Merlin incredibly happy to hear that. It made him happy that Anna would have someone, just like Merlin always had Arthur. It was an incredible thing to have “another side to his coin,” Merlin knew that from experience, and he couldn’t wait for the day Anna would introduce hers to him.

 

 

Merlin started going to university that fall and life changed again, making it hard to even think about having a love life anytime soon, which Merlin quite welcomed. He spent most of his time studying or taking care of Anna and when he _did_ have some free time, he’d spend it talking to Arthur over Skype or practicing his magical skills with Anna.

In December, he started working at his mother’s old friend Gaius’s bookshop on Fridays when he didn’t have any lectures. They could use the money, and Merlin found that he actually had fun working in the small shop. It turned out that Gaius really knew a lot about magic and when he witnessed Merlin using his gift for the first time to save his life when he fell from a ladder, he gave Merlin a book of spells that looked ancient and promised to help him practice his powers.

For the first time in his life, Merlin actually felt like he could learn how to do great things with his gift. He started to look forward to Friday every week and after a while Gaius became a mentor to him who not only helped him learning how to use his magic, but who also knew so much about its history and importance. Merlin also told him about Kilgharrah one day and Gaius was convinced that Kilgharrah was an old soul, someone who’d been around for centuries, and that it was possible that there was some truth in what he was saying.

Merlin asked him about it when he got home that night.

“But the truth it is. Very old I am,” Kilgharrah said seriously and Merlin couldn’t help bursting into laughter.

“What are you, Yoda, now?

Kilgharrah glared at him. “A dragon I used to be.” And with that he just walked away, tail and head erect like the puffed up cat he was.

Later that night, Merlin was informed by Freya that she had watched Star Wars with Hunith the day before and Kilgharrah had lounged on the couch with them, apparently not quite as asleep as he’d pretended to be.

“Are you going to keep talking like Yoda now, or?” Merlin asked Kilgharrah a week later, after the cat had refused to drop the act all week.

“Wise Master Yoda is. Follow him I must,” the cat said seriously.

“Yeah, but you do realize that he’s not real, right? He’s just a character in a film. _Star Wars_ isn’t a documentary.”

“He’s not real?” Kilgharrah seemed scandalized.

Merlin tried really hard not to laugh.

“I’m sorry, but he’s not. Wait, did nobody ever explain the concept of films to you?”

“The big, flat window shows the lives of other people. It seems this is how humans entertain themselves in the 21st century.”

Merlin bit his lip, but couldn’t help a snort escaping anyway. Kilgharrah glared again and Merlin raised his hands in surrender.

“Sorry! It’s just… The TV shows fake lives, not real lives. Well, some lives are real, but most are not. Films are usually not. Those people just pretend to be someone else to entertain us. Yoda is not real, and neither is Luke Skywalker.”

Kilgharrah pouted - as much as it was possible for a cat to pout - and actually raised a paw to his heart.

“It’s all fake? Even the dark lord, Darth Vader?”

Merlin nodded. “Even Darth Vader.”

“Even the clever one with the dark locks? Sherlock?”

“Even Sherlock. He’s played by Benedict Cumberbatch.”

“What a peculiar name.”

Merlin chuckled. “Well, you’re not the first to say it.”

Kilgharrah went back to talking like a normal person - well, cat - after that, and Merlin was glad, even though he’d found the whole thing very amusing.

 

 

Merlin got better at controlling his magic every day, and sometime in May he gave Arthur a whole show over Skype. Arthur stared wide eyed at the butterflies Merlin had created with his magic that were now fluttering through his room.

“You just-- you just created life! Just like that.”

Merlin smiled brightly. “It took a while, but yeah, I can do it now.”

“This is amazing, Merlin!” Arthur said with a fond smile that warmed Merlin’s heart.

“It is, isn’t it? I finally found my own little Hogwarts.”

Arthur nodded and tilted his head a little. “I’m happy for you.”

Merlin leaned a little closer to the screen. “Me, too. _Now_ I want to hear everything about that date you had, though.”

He really didn’t want to hear about it. But Arthur was his friend, and Merlin wanted to know what was going on in his life, even though it might hurt him.

“Meh. The girl was a complete barbie. Totally boring, too. She just agreed to everything I said. Morgana said she was probably just after the money.”

“Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear that, mate.” Merlin was not.

“Yeah, I think I’m done with dating for a while. I have much more important things to do. Like clean up my room, according to Morgana. You know, you should think it’d be easier to live with her than my father, but she’s just as bad.”

Merlin chuckled. “I’m sure she isn’t.”

“Maybe not. But she’s a fury nonetheless.”

Merlin grinned, but before he could say anything in return, he felt someone tugging at the hem of his shirt.

“Daddy!” Anna said with her soft, high pitched voice. “Up!”

She was standing next to his chair, looking at him expectantly. Merlin smiled softly and picked her up. “Of course, sweetheart! Say ‘hi’ to Arthur.”

Merlin placed Anna on his lap and pointed towards the screen, where Arthur was smiling fondly at them.

“Hi, Artsuuur!” Anna all but shouted and waved excitedly.

“Hello, sweetheart. How are you?”

“Goooood.”

Anna was a fast learner and had no problems picking up new words. She got better every day and spoke really well for a 21-month-old. Her magic helped, just like it had helped Merlin learn fast when he’d been a little boy.

Merlin leaned in and whispered something into her ear. Anna smiled and nodded, her blue eyes shining brightly when she turned to Arthur.

“Miss you!” she said loudly and Arthur looked like he was about to melt.

Merlin pressed a kiss against Anna’s dark locks and wrapped her into a hug.

“I miss you, too,” Arthur said honestly. He met Merlin’s eyes and smiled softly. “Both of you.”

A familiar warmth spread in Merlin’s chest and once again he wondered how Arthur always managed to make him feel at home, even when he was thousands of kilometres away.

 

 

**New Text Message**

To: Arthur

_I had a dream last night that you and I were students at Hogwarts._

 

From: Arthur

_again?_

 

To: Arthur

_Yeah, this time we were friends with Hermione, but we didn’t like Harry._

 

From: Arthur

_why wouldn’t we like harry?_

 

To: Arthur

_Because he was better at Quidditch than you._

 

From: Arthur

_what?! nobody’s better at quidditch than me!_

 

To: Arthur

_I know! Tell Harry that!_

 

From: Arthur

_just wait until i see him_

 

To: Arthur

_Don’t be too hard on him._

 

From: Arthur

_when am I ever hard on anyone?_

 

To: Arthur

_RIGHT_

 

From: Arthur

_You have such a dirty mind._


	8. The One with the Big Screw Up

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22 _

 

To: Arthur

_ Isn’t that Taylor Swift? _

 

From: Arthur

_ of course you’d know that. doesn’t make it any less true though _

 

To: Arthur

_ Excuse me, but I’m living with 3 girls _

_ … not that only girls are allowed to listen to Taylor Swift _

_ … oh, you know what I mean _

 

From: Arthur

_ oi! i listen to taylor swift _

_ sometimes _

 

To: Arthur

_ Me too, you utter plonker.  _

_ But nobody’s as big a fan as Freya.  _

_ I couldn’t avoid it if I tried. _

 

From: Arthur

_ you’re the plonker _

 

To: Arthur

_ Oh, for god’s sake. Happy Birthday, cabbage head! _

 

_ _

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ feeling 22 yet? _

 

To: Arthur

_ idk _

 

From: Arthur

_ everything ok? _

 

To: Arthur

_ Just having an existential crisis.  _

 

From: Arthur

_ you know what? you should come to nyc _

_ it’s been more than 3 years _

_ it’s time _

 

To: Arthur

_ Oh, god. I’d really love to. _

 

From: Arthur

_ so come _

 

To: Arthur

_ OK _

 

_ _

 

Merlin took a flight to New York a week later. He stared out of the window, the horizon so vast above the clouds, wondering when his life had started to feel so off. He loved Anna, he loved his job and he even enjoyed most of his lectures at university. Freya had become his best friend beside Arthur, and even though he missed Arthur constantly, Merlin knew he shouldn’t feel so dissatisfied. His life was good. And yet…  _ Yet _ . 

Freya said the reason for his dissatisfaction was his lack of a love life. Arthur was still the last guy he’d kissed, more than four years ago on his 18th birthday (if one didn’t count the half-kiss at the airport) and Merlin missed it. Not just kissing Arthur, even though he really did, but kissing  _ anyone _ . He missed the feeling of soft, warm lips being pressed against his. But most of all he really, really wanted to have sex. With a guy. Freya was still the only person Merlin had ever had sex with, and she was a girl. It hadn’t been -  _ proper _ . And after that, there had never been another opportunity. 

Merlin had been so busy taking care of his daughter, going to university, working, and practicing his magic, that there hadn’t been any time to meet new guys. Merlin felt like a 22-year-old virgin, which was funny, considering that he had a daughter. But it didn’t change how he felt, and that he didn’t want to feel that way anymore. He knew there was nothing wrong with being a 22-year-old virgin, but Merlin was  _ so curious. _ He wanted to try so much; he wanted to be close to someone; he really just  _ wanted _ to have sex. 

__

Unhappy as he was, he had all but jumped at the opportunity to visit Arthur in New York and just  _ get away _ for a while. Away from everything, away from life, and away from feeling so dissatisfied. 

__

Arthur was waiting for him at the airport, all tall and blond and handsome. Merlin broke into a bright smile when he spotted him and all but ran into Arthur’s waiting arms, throwing his arms around him and hugging him as tightly as he could. And Arthur hugged him back just as enthusiastically, his strong arms wrapped firmly around Merlin’s waist. 

“Gods, I missed you,” Arthur said hoarsely, so very close to Merlin’s ear. Merlin didn’t answer; he buried his face in Arthur’s neck and breathed him in, his scent so familiar and so beloved that Merlin instantly felt better than he had in months. 

__

Arthur’s new flat was huge, and lovely, and Merlin wanted to stay forever the moment he stepped inside. It looked lived in and comfortable, yet clean and modern and just a little bit posh. It suited Arthur well, because in a way his flat was just  _ him _ .

They didn’t stay long. Arthur took Merlin out for dinner and then to a party that was somehow much less posh than Merlin had expected. They drank a lot, and they danced, and at some point Merlin found himself inside a Jacuzzi at one of the posher parties Arthur had dragged him to after they’d left the first -  _ much less posh _ \- party.  Some guy had flirted with him and somehow Merlin had ended up undressing and climbing into the whirlpool with him. 

At least he was still wearing his boxershorts, Merlin pondered as he tried not to think about the fact that the handsome stranger was completely naked under water. He was especially glad about the fact that he wasn’t naked when the guy started kissing him.  _ Public _ wasn’t exactly how he imagined his first time being. And probably not with some random stranger either. 

Merlin enjoyed the kissing, though. Kind of. The guy wasn’t the best kisser, but Merlin was desperate, and he hadn’t kissed anyone in four years, so he just tried to focus on the fact that he was kissing someone and that he’d really just  _ missed _ it. 

When the handsome stranger bit down on Merlin’s lip, though, Merlin cursed and opened his eyes. He tried to pull away, but the guy probably thought he was just playing along and leaned closer to press his lips back against Merlin’s. Out of the corner of his eye Merlin saw Arthur staring at them, and there was something in his eyes that made Merlin stop and push the stranger away. 

He all but fled from the Jacuzzi, grabbed a towel and put his clothes back on at lightspeed, before he ran into the direction where he’d last seen Arthur. 

Merlin found him at the bar, sipping on what looked like rum, or whiskey, and he joined him, ordering a Cosmopolitan before he actually turned to his friend.

Arthur glared into his beverage and Merlin couldn’t help wondering what had gotten into him all of a sudden. 

“You okay?” 

Arthur shrugged. “Of course.” 

“You really expect me to believe that? I’ve known you for 15 years, Arthur.”

Arthur sighed and finally met Merlin’s eyes.

“And I’ve known _ you _ for 15 years. Making out with random strangers at parties? This isn’t you, Merlin.  _ I know you _ . You’re a hopeless romantic.” 

Arthur wasn’t wrong. Merlin  _ was _ a hopeless romantic, and he’d prefer a proper relationship at any time of the day, or night. But desperate times called for desperate measures and Merlin was sick of living as a celibate. 

“ _ I am.  _ But I haven’t kissed anyone in four years, Arthur. Freya was the last person I kissed before today.  _ You  _ were the last guy I kissed.” 

Arthur’s eyes widened. “ _ Four _ years? Holy shit, Merlin.”

“I’m basically still a virgin.” 

Arthur gave him a look. “You have a daughter. Clearly you’re not.” 

“Maybe I’m not  _ technically _ one, but I never had sex with a man, so… That counts for me. I didn’t have a lot of fun with Freya, you know? I had to think of--” Merlin stopped abruptly and hastily took a gulp from his cocktail, which caused him to start coughing violently. 

_ You _ , he’d almost said. But he couldn’t tell Arthur that. Not ever. 

“Anyway,” he said quickly, “I feel like a virgin, so it counts.” 

Arthur stared for a moment, before clearing his throat and clinking glasses with Merlin.

“Well, cheers to that.” 

“I really don’t see why that’s cause for a toast. Then again, I know you always liked to see me suffer.” Merlin put on a feigned pout and Arthur grinned smugly, before gulping down the rest of his drink. 

__

“So… who did you think of when you had sex with Freya?” Arthur asked later, early in the morning already, when they were sitting on the stairs in front of Arthur’s building. 

Merlin held his breath and averted his eyes. 

“Um… you know, probably Chris Evans,” he lied and actually managed to meet Arthur’s eyes and grin. Arthur gave him a knowing look.

“You’re lying. But that’s okay. I didn’t know you had some sort of weird Captain America kink.” 

Merlin looked scandalized. “Uh, duh? Who doesn’t?” 

Arthur chuckled. “Fair enough. I probably wouldn’t push Chris Evans out of bed myself.” 

Merlin was about to grin smugly and say something like “See?!” when he realized what Arthur had just said. It probably didn’t mean anything, they were just talking about a hot actor after all, but still… there was something about the way Arthur had said it that made Merlin swallow his words and wonder. 

They were sitting in silence for a few moments until Merlin found the courage to speak again. 

“That guy was an awful kisser.” 

Arthur turned to meet his eyes and chuckle quietly. 

“Worse than me?” 

Merlin snorted. “You’re not a  _ bad _ kisser and you know it. You’re actually the  _ worst _ .” 

Arthur shrugged, a coy smile gracing his lips. 

“If you say so,” he said, his voice low and hoarse. His face was suddenly so close that Merlin had to swallow and turn his head. They were  _ too  _ close; why did they always have to sit so close? Merlin took a deep breath. This was familiar. He’d had it his whole life and he knew he could handle it. So he met Arthur’s eyes again and smiled softly. 

“You’re the absolute worst.” 

Arthur was so close now. Merlin had no idea when he’d come so close and why his pupils were dilated, and most of all he had no idea why he kept glancing down to Merlin’s lips. 

“Still not as bad as you,” Arthur said. It was almost a whisper and Merlin could feel his warm breath on his lips. 

And then, suddenly, Arthur’s lips were on his. Arthur was kissing him softly, like he was careful not to break him. And Merlin kissed him back just as tenderly, trying so hard not to think about what was happening and why. Instead, he tried to revel in the feeling of having this again, of having Arthur and all the butterflies that came with him. 

Merlin was about to press closer when Arthur suddenly pulled away again, his eyes wide and alert. Merlin stared back at him, not sure at all what was going through Arthur’s mind. 

Arthur sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t do this.” 

Merlin’s heart sank. Why was this always happening to him? Why did he  _ let _ it happen, when he knew so well how it would end? 

“No, I’m sorry. I know you’re not--”

Arthur held up his hands to stop him. “It’s not that, Merlin. It’s… I’m actually… in a relationship. I’m not living alone.” 

Merlin stared at Arthur, not quite sure he’d understood him correctly. 

“What? You’re-- what? Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Arthur looked really small now. Merlin didn’t think he’d ever seen him so small before. 

“It didn’t come up?” he offered weakly. 

“It didn’t come up?! Arthur, you’re living together!” 

“I know, I just--”

Merlin couldn’t believe this. “How long have you been together?” 

Arthur cleared his throat, clearly ashamed.

“About a year?” 

“A YEAR?!” Merlin stared. “You’ve been with someone for A YEAR and you didn’t tell me? Why? Arthur?” 

Arthur rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s not that easy, it’s just--”

The door opened behind them and someone stepped out. Merlin looked up, frowning at the handsome, dark haired man that came out of the building, angry that he’d interrupted Arthur’s explanation. 

“Arthur! There you are,” the man said. Merlin’s eyes widened as Arthur scrambled to his feet. 

“Lancelot!” 

Merlin stood up as well and let the man shake his hand. 

“You must be Merlin, then. I’ve heard so much about you.” 

Sadly, Merlin couldn’t say the same about the handsome stranger. So he frowned again and glared at Arthur, who looked more than a little shell-shocked. 

Merlin huffed ever so slightly, before he turned his attention back to the other man in front of him. 

“I am, yeah. Unfortunately, Arthur seems to have forgotten to tell me about you. Lancelot, right?” 

Now it was Lancelot’s turn to stare at Arthur. 

“Yes. Well, I’m sorry to hear that,” he told Merlin when he was done staring. “After everything he told me about you, I didn’t think he’d keep me a secret from you.” 

Merlin took a deep breath and tried to smile despite everything. It wasn’t Lancelot’s fault that Arthur was an idiot after all. “Really? What did he say then?” 

Lancelot shrugged. It looked like he was mad enough to name and shame Arthur right then and there. Merlin thought it was probably for the best, or he’d never get the truth. Especially since Arthur was still just standing there, staring at them like he’d seen a ghost.

“Well, he said that you have a daughter, but that you’re actually gay and just slept with a girl because you tried to prove something. Apparently that didn’t quite work and you’re still gay. He also said you have secret special powers, but I think he was just trying to take the piss out of me with that one.” Lancelot smiled charmingly and Merlin could see his appeal. He seemed really nice, and he was handsome as hell. 

Nevertheless, his last sentence hit him like a punch to the gut. Merlin assumed he looked at him accordingly, because Lancelot’s smiled faded ever so slightly.

“He did take the piss, right?” 

Merlin cleared his throat. “Yeah, yeah, of course. As if I had special powers. Who am I,  Spiderman?” he tried to joke. 

“Well, you certainly look the part,” Lancelot told him, his charming smile fully back on his face. “All right, then. Come on in. You must be freezing.” 

Merlin wasn’t freezing. In fact, he didn’t feel much at all. 

This had to be some kind of cruel joke, or a terrible nightmare. 

 

 

Merlin shoved the few things he’d already unpacked back into his suitcase, trying his best not to start crying, and most of all, ignoring the loud voices in the living room. Lancelot was obviously mad at Arthur as well and Merlin really couldn’t blame him. 

He’d be mad as well if his boyfriend hadn’t told the guy who was supposed to be his best friend that he even existed. Lancelot had enough reason to be mad, but not nearly as much as Merlin had.  

Arthur had not only kept his year-long relationship secret from him, he had also failed to tell him that he wasn’t exactly as straight as Merlin had assumed. No, Merlin had to  _ run  _ into his boyfriend to find out. It wasn’t even that Merlin had never wondered, because he  _ had _ . There had been signs, but Merlin had always thought he was just imagining them. Arthur had always been straight in his mind. 

It was all especially funny when he thought back to Arthur’s first reaction when Merlin had come out to him. Knowing what he did now, Merlin assumed that Arthur had tried to convince himself more than he’d tried to convince Merlin. And while Merlin understood that in a way, because he knew Arthur’s father and he knew how hard it must’ve been for him, he still couldn’t understand why Arthur hadn’t told  _ him _ . Arthur must’ve known that Merlin would never judge him - how could he? - and that he’d always be there for him, no matter what. 

But for some reason he’d decided to start keeping secrets from Merlin. And for  _ some reason _ , he’d decided to tell his boyfriend about Merlin’s magic. Lancelot hadn’t believed him, but Arthur had still broken his promise. A promise he’d made 15 years prior. Somehow it felt like he’d broken their friendship right along with it. Merlin couldn’t see it anymore; he couldn’t  _ feel _ it anymore. Arthur had destroyed everything and it hurt so much, and Merlin tried so hard not to cry. 

“Merlin, come on! Please stay,” Arthur begged a few minutes later when Merlin was dragging his packed suitcase through his flat. “You already booked your flight back for next week, didn’t you? Flying back now is going to be expensive and you’re--”

“I’m what, hm, Arthur? I’m poor? I’m not as posh as you so I have to stay and suffer through a whole week with you?” Merlin shot back. The hurt was visible on Arthur’s face. 

“No, that’s not-- please, Merlin. Let me explain. Please don’t be like this.” 

“What is there to explain, Arthur??? You’ve been in a relationship with A MAN for A WHOLE YEAR and you never bothered to tell me. So obviously you don’t trust me - or I don’t know! I don’t even know! I didn’t even know you’re bi, because you NEVER FREAKING TOLD ME!”

“I didn’t know how. Please, Merlin. I’m sorry. I really am. I just came to terms with this myself only recently and--”   
“RECENTLY? Arthur, it’s been A YEAR!” 

“Well, you didn’t tell me you’re gay right away either!” 

“But I was the first, Arthur! We were  _ teenagers _ ! YOU knew I wouldn’t judge you. I mean, how could I? But I was just a confused and horny teenager, for fuck’s sake!” 

“I was confused as well!” Arthur tried to defend himself, but he seemed to realize that he sounded pathetic. “Merlin, come on. Fuck. Please stay?” 

“No, Arthur! I just  _ don’t want to  _ see you right now. It’s not only that you hid such a big thing from me, no, you also had to go and tell your boyfriend about my magic. THE ONE THING nobody can know. THE ONE THING YOU PROMISED TO NOT EVER TELL!” 

“I didn’t mean to! I promise, Merlin. We were just watching a movie and it was just a casual comment, I just--”

Merlin felt like he was about to explode right then and there.

“A CASUAL comment? Arthur you can’t just CASUALLY blurt out my secret! You know what could happen! Magic is so rare these days. If anyone found out… they’d do experiments on me and Anna. They’d kill us! Is that what you want?!!”

“OF COURSE NOT! But Lance would never-- and it’s not like he even believed me!” 

Merlin shook his head. It didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter that Arthur had tears in his eyes. Merlin just wanted to be away from him. He just wanted to go home. 

“I just can’t be around you right now.” 

Arthur looked defeated when Merlin stepped out of the door. 

“At least call when you’re home? Please?” he asked.

Merlin didn’t answer. 

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ did you get home safely? _

From: Arthur

_ Merlin? come on, please? i’m worried about you _

From: Arthur

_ nvm, your mum said you’re home _

From: Arthur

_ please talk to me? _

 

_ _

 

“Arthur has a boyfriend?” Freya looked more than just a little surprised, “And he didn’t tell you? Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Merlin.”

She hugged him tightly, before she sat him down at the table and placed a cup of tea in front of him. 

“So he’s bisexual and he didn’t tell you,” Freya stated.

Merlin stared down into his mug. “Yep, and nope.” 

“And the whole lie just blew up in his face because his boyfriend came back from a business trip one week earlier than expected.” 

“Yep.”

“So he didn’t even plan to tell you.”

“Nope.” 

“And he told his boyfriend about your magic.”  
“Yep.” 

“Ugh… I never thought he could be such an ass.”

Merlin sighed. “Oh, he can be. Just usually not to me.” 

Freya reached over the table to take Merlin’s hand. 

“I’m really sorry, Merlin. I know how much he means to you.” 

And that was it. Merlin’s walls broke and he started crying, only a few tears at first, but soon he was sobbing violently. It felt like a really bad break up. And in a way it was one. The worst Merlin could’ve ever imagined. He and Arthur had never fought like that before. They never had a reason to. But this, somehow, felt like the end of the world. 

“He destroyed everything.” 

Freya squeezed his hand. “Don’t you think you’ll be able to forgive him one day?”

Merlin shrugged. “I don’t know.”   
And he really didn’t know. He felt like Arthur had betrayed him; he had betrayed him and he hadn’t trusted him and Merlin’s feelings for him or the fact that Arthur had kissed him just before their world fell apart didn’t make it any better. 

Freya met his eyes and smiled sympathetically. “Please promise that you’ll try. What you and Arthur have is so rare. Don’t let it go to waste. You love him so much, I know you do, and from what you told me, I’m sure he loves you, too. Don’t be an idiot, Merlin.” 

 

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ merlin :( _

From: Arthur

_ i’m sorry _

From: Arthur

_ please tell me what i can do to make it up to you _

**New Text Message**

 

From: Arthur

_ :( :( :( _

From: Arthur

_ please, merlin. just talk to me! _

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ will you ever forgive me? _

From: Arthur

_ i can’t lose you, merlin _

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ will you please just talk to me? _

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ Merry Christmas, Merlin. Please give Anna some hugs from me.  _

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ happy new year, clotpole! :) _

From: Arthur

_ sorry, I programmed that in ages ago… still, happy new year to you though _

 

 


	9. The One with the Vegas Incident

Merlin ran into Gwaine in a pub at the end of January. He hadn’t seen him since he’d left for university all those years ago, and Merlin found that it was quite good to see him. Gwaine had become even more handsome than Merlin remembered him, and he seemed to be as loud and carefree as he’d always been. 

“Merlin! Damn, look at you, all grown up!” 

Merlin beamed at him. “You’re one to talk!” 

“Nah. But _ you _ ’re like a fine wine. The scruff suits you.” 

“Thanks. I’ve been experimenting a bit.” 

Gwaine leaned back in his chair and smiled charmingly. “So what’ve you been up to since I left?”

Merlin shrugged. “Well… I have a 3-year-old daughter, I’m still going to university--”

Gwaine held up a hand, eyebrows raised high on his forehead.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! A daughter? Swinging both ways after all, are you?” 

“I’m _ really  _ not. I thought I could convince myself… that  _ one _ time… well, it didn’t work and she got pregnant. End of story.” 

Gwaine looked amused. “Bad luck, mate.” 

Merlin shrugged. 

“Maybe. I don’t regret Anna, though. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” 

“ _ Anna _ … I’m sure she’s just as cute as you.” 

Merlin tried really hard not to blush. Gwaine had a way of being overtly cheesy, while still being charming. 

“So… how’s Arthur?” Gwaine asked just as casually as he said everything else while sipping on his drink and Merlin cringed. He actually didn’t know how Arthur was. For the first time in more than 15 years, he simply had no idea how Arthur was feeling or what he was up to. Merlin hadn’t talked to him in two months, and while it still hurt and he still missed him like crazy, Merlin just hadn’t found it in him to forgive him just yet. 

“I don’t know, actually. We had a bit of a falling out back in November...”

“You two? Really? Wow. What happened?” 

Merlin bit his lip. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Gwaine sighed into his beverage.

“You’re still in love with the guy, aren’t you?”

Of course he was. But it didn’t matter anymore; even though it should matter more than ever before now that Merlin knew that Arthur liked men as well. 

So Merlin shrugged and tried not to think about it too much. “It doesn’t matter.”

Gwaine looked like he didn’t quite believe him, but didn’t really care either way. 

“You’re hopeless, Merlin.  _ Hopeless _ .” 

Merlin sighed. “I know.”

Gwaine laughed and held up his glass. “Well, then. Cheers to that.” 

 

Looking back, it really wasn’t much of a surprise that Merlin went home with Gwaine that night to finally get rid of that “virginity thing.” And it was good. Merlin enjoyed every part of it; finally experiencing the feeling of skin on skin, and Gwaine treating him like a God. He was still a really good kisser too, and while he was obviously not Arthur, he made Merlin feel good and that was all that mattered. 

Merlin kept going out with Gwaine after that. One date turned into two, and two quickly into four, and before Merlin realized what was happening, Gwaine was starting to introduce him as his boyfriend. And to Merlin’s surprise, he didn’t mind. Gwaine was nice and funny, and he was so much braver than Merlin had ever been. He was fun to be around and Merlin enjoyed spending time with him. And most importantly, Anna liked him too. Gwaine was great with her; he always had a way to make her laugh and Merlin liked seeing her laugh more than anything. Even Freya approved of his new relationship, though she was still pushing him to finally come around and call Arthur. 

Merlin thought he probably should. Arthur was still important to him, and it’d been almost six months since they last talked. Merlin’s anger had long deflated, and left was a hole of longing. He missed his friend, but he was too scared, and maybe even a little too proud, to actually call him or send him a text. What if Arthur didn’t want anything to do with him anymore? What if Merlin had to find out that he’d lost him forever? What if Arthur hated him now, because Merlin had refused to talk to him for so long? 

“One half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole,” Kilgharrah told him one day when Merlin was particularly devastated about the whole thing. “Destiny is calling, young warlock. Call it back.” 

In August, Merlin was pondering for hours if he should send Arthur a text to wish him a Happy Birthday. Calling didn’t seem to be an option anymore at this point, but of course Merlin had reckoned without his host. It was Anna’s fourth birthday as well, and his daughter still adored Arthur, which is why Merlin shouldn’t have been surprised when she asked, “Can we call Uncle Arthur, Daddy? It’s his birthday, too!”

Merlin stared at her for a moment. He really didn’t want to call Arthur. “Um…”

“Did you and Uncle Arthur have a fight? I haven’t seen him in sooooo long! Why doesn’t he come visit us anymore? Why can’t we see him on the computer anymore?” Anna made a sad face. Merlin could tell that she was close to tears. “Does he not like me anymore?” she asked sadly and Merlin swore he felt his heart break in that exact moment. Merlin pulled her in his arms and stroked caringly through her dark locks. 

“No, no, sweetheart. Arthur would never stop liking you, never even think that. Uncle Arthur loves you, and so do I. It is true that he and I had a fight, and that’s why he hasn’t been around.”

“Then tell him you’re sorry! Are you sorry?”

“Of course I am. I miss him, too.” 

“So let’s call him. Please?” 

Merlin sighed. He knew he had been defeated. There was no way he could resist Anna when she was looking at him like that. 

 

Arthur answered almost immediately. “Merlin!?” 

He sounded way too hopeful for Merlin’s liking. It wasn’t that Merlin was angry anymore, and he truly wanted to fix things between them, but that didn’t mean that Merlin had forgotten why they hadn’t talked in more than eight months. Hearing Arthur’s voice again brought some of it back; the betrayal about his magic more than anything else. 

“Uncle Arthur!” Anna all but shouted, jumping excitedly. 

“Anna.” Merlin thought Arthur sounded slightly disappointed, but not enough for the little girl to notice. “Sweetheart. Happy Birthday to you! Did you get a lot of presents?”

“Happy Birthday to you, toooooo!” Anna sang. “I did! So many! Did you?” 

“A few. How are you, sweetheart?” Arthur asked softly. Merlin could tell that he honestly wanted to know. “How’s your Dad?” he added after a short pause. 

“I’m fine! Daddy’s fine too, but I think he’s a little bit sad.” Merlin closed his eyes.

He heard Arthur take a breath. “Why do think that?” he asked carefully. 

“I think he misses you. Can’t you be friends again?” Anna sounded so sad and hopeful at the same time, that Merlin felt his heart break all over again. 

“I hope so,” Arthur told her. 

“Tell him you want to be friends again, then. I’ll give him the phone.” 

Before Merlin had a chance to react in any way, he was holding the phone in his hand, Arthur waiting on the other end. He sighed deeply. 

“Arthur?” 

Merlin could’ve sworn he heard Arthur sigh in relief. “Merlin!” 

“Happy birthday, clotpole,” Merlin said weakly. 

“Thanks.” 

There was an awkward pause and Merlin was starting to think that he should’ve just hung up and sent Arthur a text instead. 

“Look, Merlin, I’m…” Arthur started hesitantly. “I’m sorry. I know I hurt you… badly, and I’m really sorry. It’s been so long and…  _ fuck _ , Merlin, I miss you so damn much. You not talking to me feels like… like I’m half-dead already.”

Merlin knew exactly what Arthur meant. He felt the same way, but more than that, he was constantly swaying between wanting to forgive Arthur and still being so damn disappointed that he felt like he couldn’t. Not angry anymore, but disappointed that he hadn’t trusted him, that he had spilled his secret, and that he had been such an idiot in general. 

He sighed. “I know what you mean.” 

“Can we please be friends again?” Arthur said, intentionally using Anna’s words. 

“I never stopped being your friend, Arthur. I just needed time to process all this… you not trusting me, and spilling the  _ one _ secret I really needed you to keep. I just didn’t know how to trust you anymore. And I still don’t, to be honest.”

There was a pause, but Merlin could hear Arthur breathing. His breath was ragged, like he was trying really hard not to cry. And Merlin knew Arthur well enough to know that that was probably exactly what was happening. 

“Please try to forgive me, Merlin. You know me, I never beg for anything, but I’m  _ begging you _ . I _ need _ you in my life, Merlin.” 

Merlin had never heard him like this before. This was just as hard on Arthur as it was on him. 

“I’m halfway there already, you plonker. I just need some more time.” Merlin tried to sound light, but he knew it didn’t come across. 

“Well, I’m glad to hear that.” 

Merlin paused for a moment. “I miss you, too, you know?” 

“I’m so sorry, Merlin. I really am.”   
“I know. I just--  _ why _ did you tell him, Arthur? After all these years…”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. I will never happen again, though, I promise.” 

“You promised before.” 

Arthur sighed. “I’ll apologize a million times if you want me to, Merlin, but I can’t turn back time, as much as I want to.” 

Arthur was right of course, and Merlin knew that he couldn’t sulk forever. Arthur had apologized multiple times, and there wasn’t much else he could do. Now it was on Merlin to forgive him. 

“I know. I just need a little bit more time. See you soon?”

Merlin swore he could hear Arthur smile. “See you soon.” 

It was a promise Merlin intended to keep.

 

 

What Merlin didn’t count on, not once in his life, was accidentally getting married to Gwaine on vacation in Las Vegas. (Merlin hadn’t even wanted to go, but Gwaine had insisted that they could both use a bit of fun and eventually Merlin had given in.) It was such a cliché and Merlin hated it. He knew Arthur would laugh in his face if he knew. But Merlin hadn’t talked to him since his birthday in August. Right then, he really wished he had, though. He needed his best friend to get through this new existential crisis. Getting a girl pregnant at 18, getting married to a man in Vegas at 22 - something was clearly wrong with him. Perhaps he should seek psychological help. 

Many people got married at 22, of course; it wasn’t unheard of at all, Merlin had just never seen it for himself. He’d always imagined himself to be older and madly in love if he ever got married. Not stupidly young, only half in love and drunk out of his mind. 

“We should just stay married and have a proper wedding here,” Gwaine suggested when they got back to England. He sounded surprisingly serious. 

“ _ You _ ? Want to stay married?” 

Gwaine shrugged. “Of course I do. I love my freedom, yeah, but what I love even more than that is  _ you _ , and your little girl. So let’s stay married.” 

And just like that, Gwaine had casually told him that he loved him for the first time. Of course he had. Merlin swallowed hard. He wanted to say it back. He wanted to say it and mean it, and he wanted to stay married and be happy with Gwaine, but - as usual in Merlin’s life - it wasn’t as simple as that. 

Merlin adored Gwaine. He enjoyed spending time with him, and the sex was great, but most of the time it felt more like Gwaine was a friend with benefits, not Merlin’s boyfriend of eight months, and certainly not his husband. 

He couldn’t tell him that he loved him because it wasn’t true. Merlin knew so well what it felt like to truly love someone, and he just didn’t feel that way about Gwaine. In fact, Merlin doubted he would ever feel that way about anyone but Arthur. 

Still, he and Arthur would never be. Something was always wrong; like the universe just didn’t want them to be more than friends. Gwaine was great, and who knew if Merlin would ever find someone else as great as him. The odds certainly weren’t in his favor. 

And on top of that, Anna adored Gwaine as well. It was perfect - except that Merlin was barely in love with the guy. 

“Maybe I can learn to love him,” Merlin pondered while Kilgharrah was watching him suspiciously. 

“You cannot marry Sir Gwaine, Merlin,” the cat said seriously and Merlin frowned at him. 

“ _ Sir _ Gwaine? Who’s he, then? A knight of the round table?” 

Kilgharrah ignored his comment. “Arthur can never be great without you.” 

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Arthur already  _ is _ great without me.” 

The cat hissed at him. “Arthur is your other half.  _ Not _ Sir Gwaine.” Kilgharrah was obviously furious for some reason and Merlin decided that it was probably better not to mention Gwaine to the cat anymore, at least not in the near future. 

He raised his hands in surrender. “Arthur won’t ever marry me, though.” 

And with that, he left the room, letting Kilgharrah and his furious cursing behind in his room. 

 

 

“You can’t marry him if you don’t love him, Merlin. You won’t be happy,” Freya told him and Merlin sighed. 

“It’s not like I don’t love him at all. Just not like--”

“Like Arthur.” 

Merlin glared at her. “Why does everyone keep bringing up Arthur? You, my Mum, Gaius - and he’s never even met Arthur! - the cat… even Anna!” 

Freya looked at him sympathetically. “Because you’ve loved Arthur your whole life. Marrying Gwaine will close that door… maybe forever.” 

“There is no door to close! Arthur has a boyfriend! He had a million chances to make a move, but he never showed any interest in a relationship beyond friendship with me. It will never happen.”

Freya sighed and squeezed his hand. 

“You have to do what you think is right. I can’t make the decision for you. But I want you to be happy, Merlin, so please make sure that you know what you’re doing.” 

Merlin just nodded and fled the room. 

After some more pushing from Gwaine’s side, Merlin agreed to stay married after all, at least for now, and even have a proper wedding with all their friends and family. 

Merlin wasn’t a 100% sure what he was doing, and if it really was the right thing to do, but he just wanted to be happy for once. He hoped staying married to Gwaine would maybe help him get over his feelings for Arthur once and for all. 

The whole wedding planning felt like a blur; Merlin didn’t even have time to think about anything else much. He supposed it was better that way. 

He sent an invitation to Arthur as well, after staring at the thing for a whole week. Somehow he really hoped Arthur would come. He hadn’t seen him in almost a year, and the truth was, he still missed him like crazy. 

“Maybe it’s because you secretly hope that he’ll crash it and sweep you off your feet,” Freya told him and Merlin rolled his eyes at her. 

“I do not.” 

She clearly didn’t believe him. “Yeah. Right.” 

Merlin would definitely not tell her that the mere idea gave him butterflies. 

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_ GWAINE?! SERIOUSLY?? YOU’RE MARRYING GWAINE?? YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? _

To: Arthur

_ Actually, we already are married. Only formalities left. _

From: Arthur

_ WHAT?!  MERLIN, WHAT? GWAINE???  _

To: Arthur

_ Yes, Gwaine. You coming? _

From: Arthur

_ You’ve clearly lost your mind. of course i’m coming _

To: Arthur

_ Good. Bringing Lancelot? _

From: Arthur

_ nope. i broke up with him _

To: Arthur

_ what?! when? _

From: Arthur 

_ about an hour ago _

To: Arthur

_ OMG, what? Are you ok? _

From: Arthur

_ i was the one breaking up with him, remember? so yeah, i am. no worries _

 

From: Arthur

_ see you in two weeks then _

 

_ _

 

“So he broke up with his boyfriend the moment he got your invitation.” Freya stared at Merlin, eyebrows raised high on her forehead. “What a  _ coincidence _ .”

The way she said it made it clear that she didn’t think it was a coincidence at all. And if Merlin was being honest, he had to admit that he didn’t believe it either. 

“It probably _ is _ a coincidence,” he said anyway. “Why would he break up with his boyfriend because I’m getting married?” 

Freya grinned. “Because he’s going to crash the wedding and sweep you off your feet.” 

“I highly doubt that.” 

“But you want him to.” 

“I never said that.” 

Freya shrugged and reached out to squeeze his arm as she walked past him into the kitchen. 

“You don’t have to. I know you do.”

Merlin sighed as he stared after her. There was just no hiding anything from Freya, at least not for him. 

__

“I’m so glad he’s coming!” Hunith told him later that afternoon. “It broke my heart seeing my boys apart for so long.”

Merlin bit his lip. “I know, Mum. I’m sorry.”

“But most of all it broke my heart to see you like this. I know you missed him, Merlin. And I knew you couldn’t stay mad at him forever… I just hoped you would find a way to forgive him sooner. What he did wasn’t nice, but I’m sure he didn’t want to hurt you. Arthur is a good boy and he cares so much about you. I know he does.” 

Merlin sighed and nodded. “I’m glad he’s coming, too.”

He purposely didn’t tell her about Arthur’s break-up. Merlin knew what she would say: that Merlin should think about his marriage to Gwaine again, that he should give Arthur a chance, that he should tell him about his feelings for him. He didn’t want to hear it again. He and Arthur weren’t meant to be, and it was time to accept that and move on. 

But even though, Merlin knew what his mother was thinking. She had always been rooting for him and Arthur to get together.

__

If Merlin thought Freya, his mother, and Kilgharrah were the only ones who were going to pester him with questions and suggestions about Arthur, he was more than wrong. He hadn’t counted on Anna, who was more than willing to ask questions about Arthur. 

“Why are you not marrying Uncle Arthur?” she asked that night, her eyes big and soft and so innocent that Merlin couldn’t even be annoyed with her. 

“Why would I marry Uncle Arthur, sweetheart?” 

“Because you love him!”

Merlin sighed. She wasn’t wrong, and hearing it from her made his heart break a little. And Merlin couldn’t lie to her; he would never lie to his daughter, especially not about something like this. 

“I do. I do… but Gwaine asked me first, and I said yes. I thought you liked Gwaine.” 

Anna nodded with a thoughtful look on her face.

“I like Gwaine, but I like Arthur more.”

Merlin sighed. Like father, like daughter. 

“Arthur and I are just friends, though, sweetheart. Just like you and Daniel.” 

“Hmmm… okay. But I wish you would marry uncle Arthur.” 

Merlin did, too, deep down. But dwelling on that wouldn’t help anyone. 

He would marry Gwaine, and that would be the end of it. 

 

 

Arthur arrived a day before the wedding. Freya was the one to open the door, and Anna stopped the game she was playing with Gwaine as soon as she spotted him and ran into his arms. “Uncle Arthur!!!” 

She wrapped her tiny arms around his neck and hugged him tightly when Arthur picked her up and spun her around. 

“Oh, sweetheart, look at you! All grown up! When did you get this big, huh?” 

Arthur hadn’t seen her in person in over a year, so Merlin could imagine how big of a difference it was for him to see her now. Anna had insisted on video calls every once in a while since their shared birthday that year, but video chats were never quite the same. 

Arthur looked different, too. Older. It was so damn good to see him. 

“I’m still quite small,” Anna told him, refusing to let go again. 

Arthur chuckled. “I missed you so much, little tiger.” 

“I missed you, too!” Anna beamed at him, and turned to Merlin as soon as she was back on her feet. “Look, Daddy! Uncle Arthur is here! FINALLY!” 

Merlin smiled softly and crossed the room slowly, his eyes fixed on Arthur’s. His friend was grinning like a maniac, and Merlin couldn’t blame him. He was feeling giddy and warm and overwhelmingly happy; because he had missed Arthur so damn much, and it was so good to see him again. Suddenly it felt like spending a whole year without him had been a waste, and Merlin couldn’t even remember why he’d been so mad at him for so long anymore. None of it mattered now. 

Merlin tilted his head when he was standing in front of Arthur. “Hey,” he said softly.

Arthur’s eyes were so bright as he was smiling happily, and he was so beautiful. 

“Hey,” he said and that was enough. Merlin pulled him to a hug and held on tight.

He was finally back home. 


	10. The One with the Wedding

Merlin wasn’t going to lie. Seeing Arthur again after such a long time did make him stop and think. He couldn’t ignore the nagging doubts at the back of his mind, and the urge to just kiss Arthur and see what would happen. But then, it wasn’t like he could just cancel the wedding and be done with it. He already _was_ married to Gwaine, and he knew Gwaine loved him. Merlin felt like he had to give them a chance. He couldn’t just drop everything for something he didn’t even know would ever work out.

“You have doubts,” Gwaine stated when they went to bed that night.

Merlin sighed and buried his face at Gwaine’s chest.

“I don’t.”

“You do. This is about Arthur, isn’t it?”

Merlin had no idea what to say to that. Of course it was about Arthur, but he couldn’t tell him that. He didn’t want to hurt Gwaine.

Gwaine groaned in frustration. “You have a serious problem, mate.” He turned to look at Merlin. “Look, from everything you told me, Arthur had a million chances with you. But instead of doing something about it, he just kept breaking your heart. You don’t deserve that , Merlin. So let’s try this, let’s try to make you forget Arthur and move on. This could be great, you know? You and I could be damn great together.”

Merlin moved his head to look at Gwaine. He gave him a soft smile.

“I know. You’re right, and I _do_ want to try this. I want to give us a chance.”

Gwaine wrapped an arm around Merlin and pulled him close. “So let’s do it. Stop sulking, we’ve got something to celebrate tomorrow.”

 

 

They did have something to celebrate, and it was a nice, small party, somehow perfect the way it was. Merlin was sure he wanted to do this all the way through the ceremony - well, almost sure. He avoided looking at Arthur, though, who of course had decided that he needed to be Merlin’s best man. He was afraid he’d do something impulsive like say “no” after all.

Not that it would’ve had any impact on their marriage. He and Gwaine were already married, after all. Still, it would probably be the end of his relationship with Gwaine and Merlin wasn’t sure he was ready for that. He still wasn’t quite sure if he was ready for being married to him either, but more than that, he really didn’t want to be alone. Merlin enjoyed being in a relationship, and he didn’t even know how Arthur felt about him. Not the same way Merlin felt about _him_ ; that, Merlin was quite sure of. He knew he was being pathetic, and he felt bad for even thinking about Arthur all the time, when he should really focus on his husband instead.

Everything went well in the end, though, and Merlin even started feeling giddy at the thought of being married, of belonging to someone. Maybe this would be _it_. Maybe he and Gwaine could be happy, and grow old together. Maybe.

“Do you mind?” Arthur asked Gwaine on the dance floor and shook Merlin out of his thoughts. Gwaine beamed at the blonde and pushed Merlin into his arms.

“Not at all, mate. He’s mine now, though. Just remember it,” Gwaine added with a wink. Merlin tried his best to ignore the grim look on Arthur’s face, hidden behind his bright smile. Merlin doubted that Gwaine could see it, but he could.

Arthur wrapped an arm around Merlin’s waist and took his hand, before he started to guide him over the dance floor. It was a slow dance and Arthur was so close that Merlin had suddenly trouble breathing.

“I missed you so damn much, Merlin,” Arthur murmured close to Merlin’s ear and Merlin shivered.

“I missed you too, Arthur. Let’s never fight again, please,” he replied, his own voice low and hoarse and shaking ever so slightly.

“Never,” Arthur agreed. “And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too. It’s good to have you back.”

They were quiet for a while, until Arthur snorted and chuckled softly.

“You are married. I can’t believe this.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

There was a short pause, before Arthur cleared his throat. “You know, I just want you to be happy, Merlin. And if _Gwaine_ makes you happy, I’m happy.”

“You don’t like him very much, do you?”

Arthur shrugged. “Doesn’t really matter, though, does it? You have to like him.”

“I wish that were true, but unfortunately I’ve always set too much value on your opinion,” Merlin said, not too seriously, even though it wasn’t wrong.

“You still married Gwaine, so it can’t be too bad.”

Well... “Hmm,” Merlin hummed against Arthur’s shoulder.

“What?”

“This is more an attempt than anything else. Gwaine and I got accidentally married when we went to Las Vegas two months ago. Gwaine asked if we could stay married… I wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure. But I decided to give it a try. I owe it to Gwaine to at least try.”

Arthur chuckled. “You drunk-married in Vegas? Gods, Merlin, you’re such an awful cliché.” He shook his head.

Merlin chuckled too and hit Arthur on the back. “Shut up.”

Arthur sobered up quickly after that, and asked more seriously, “Do you love him?”

Merlin sighed. That was the question of the day.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly.

“You know, I always thought you’d be the one to marry for love, one day. That you would find someone you’re absolutely crazy about and then get married. ‘I don’t know’ doesn’t sound like you, Merlin.” Arthur sounded almost sad, like it was somehow his fault.

“I was just sick of being alone, I guess. I’m only 23, but ever since Anna was born, I felt like my life sped up, in a way. I had to be an adult much sooner than everyone else. And I guess… I just wanted someone to belong to. Someone I could share my life with.”

Arthur sighed and pulled Merlin a bit closer. “I know what you mean.”

They danced in silence for a while, and when the next slow song came on, Merlin decided that they’d talked enough about him. They’d been apart for a year, and Merlin had no idea what Arthur had been up to.

“Enough about me, though, and time to talk about you, clotpole. Your breakup with Lancelot, for example.”

Arthur grumbled. “There’s not much to talk about.”

“Why did you break up with him?”

“It just didn’t feel right anymore.” Merlin could tell that wasn’t the whole truth, but he knew Arthur well enough and didn’t push him.

“You know… with everything that happened, we never actually talked about this. You being with a guy,” Merlin said hesitantly. Arthur nodded, took Merlin’s hand and dragged him away from the dance floor and over to the bar.  

He ordered whiskey for himself and a colorful cocktail for Merlin, before dragging him further to an empty table in the back of the room.

Merlin gave him an expectant look and sipped on his cocktail.

“Before I met Lancelot, I was pretty much convinced you were straight, you know?” Merlin said, trying to sound more casual than he was feeling.

“Yeah… I’m not straight,” Arthur told him and Merlin chuckled into his glass.

“I am aware of that… _now._ I still don’t understand why you never told me that you’re bisexual - which I assume you are.”

“I am. I just… When I first started to realize that I have these feelings, I was scared. I mean, you know my Dad! He always expected so much from me… and I was scared that I’d have to tell him that I was gay. I wanted to tell _you_ , of course, but… I didn’t know how. I thought you’d be mad at me, because I reacted so poorly when you came out to me. It sounds so stupid, but… I wasn’t ready to tell you. And then I met Lancelot and he convinced me that I didn’t have to be scared. So I gave it a shot, and I realized that I liked it and that I didn’t want to hide this part of me anymore. I like girls, but I also like boys, so what, right? Anyway… this was all so new to me, and first I wasn’t ready to share it with anyone, but then I postponed it again and again, until I knew you’d be mad that I kept it secret from you. I should’ve told you. I was stupid, and I’m sorry.”

Merlin sighed. “Oh, Arthur. You know I wouldn’t have been mad at you. But in the end you didn’t tell me at all, and that was what hurt.” He sighed again. “Did you tell your Dad about Lancelot?”

Arthur nodded. “I did, eventually. Not before you found out, though.”

Merlin gave him a sympathetic look. He knew Arthur’s father. The guy was a bloody tyrant, but he loved Arthur, so Merlin hoped Uther hadn’t disinherited him.

“How did he react?”

“Badly, at first, as you can imagine. But I explained it to him, told him that I like both women and men, and he came around after a while. I think it was mostly the possibility that I could still choose to marry a woman, but… in the end I don’t care, as long as he knows and doesn’t disinherit me.”

Merlin smiled softly. “I’m proud of you, you know? For telling him. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”

Arthur shrugged. “It was about time I started to defy him.”

“True. So… when did you first start realizing that you’re into boys as well?” Merlin was truly curious; because after all, Merlin had been convinced that Arthur was straight. Clearly his own gaydar was somewhat flawed.

Arthur blushed and cleared his throat. He took a gulp from his whiskey, and looked sheepishly at Merlin.

“It was _you_ , actually. _You_ made me realize. When I kissed you on your 18th birthday… that wasn’t just some random, experimental fun because we were in a gay club. I really wanted to kiss you.”

Merlin swallowed hard and tried to ignore the flutter in his stomach. He stared for a moment, and it was so hard not to kiss him _now_ , then and there. Had Merlin really thought staying married to Gwaine would somehow magically erase his feelings for Arthur? The ones he’d had his whole life?

“Arthur…” he started, but Arthur shook his head.

“No worries, I’m not going to try seducing a married man,” he said jokingly. To Merlin it felt more like a punch in the gut.

“Funny,” he grumbled with just a tinge of sarcasm. It wasn’t funny at all.

Arthur took a deep breath. “Sorry. Look, what I’m trying to say is that I know you’re married now, and that you want to give this a shot, so just because I wanted to kiss you then, doesn’t mean I want to now.”

Oh. Right. Merlin didn’t know if that made everything better or worse. Probably better for his marriage, but worse for his own stupid feelings.

He shook his head. This was ridiculous and it had to stop. “Look, can we just forget about this? I just got you back, and this conversation is taking a really awkward turn.”

Arthur gave a nod. “You’re right. Friends?” He smiled.

“Always,” Merlin said, and he truly meant it.

 

 

“I can’t leave Anna. I won’t do it. No chance,” Merlin told Gwaine determinedly and put another plate into the dishwasher. They were at Gwaine’s place, like they’d been too often since the wedding. Gwaine didn’t like hanging around Merlin’s three girls all the time, and while Merlin could understand that in way, it didn’t mean that he liked being away from them all the time.

So when Gwaine had asked him to move in only seconds ago, because that was obviously the thing to do after you married someone, Merlin reacted just as badly as he felt about the whole thing.

“She can come over any time. We’re married, Merlin. It’s a bit odd to have a husband who’s still living with his Mum and the mother of his illegitimate child.”

Merlin made a face. “Illegitimate?”

“Well, you weren’t married to Freya, were you?”

“Of course not, but that makes it sound bad and I don’t like it.”

Gwaine sighed and raised his hands in surrender. “All right, all right. I apologize.”

“That’s not even the point. She _can’t_ come over any time. She’s four and a half!”

Merlin took a deep breath and ran a hand through his dark mop of hair.

“Look, I just want my daughter to grow up under the same roof with me. I… I never had a Dad, but I always missed him, even though I never knew him. I want Anna to have her Dad around all the time. She shouldn’t have to come over any time. She should be at home where I am. If I move in with you, she comes with me. And, well, she and Freya are a package deal. I’m sorry, Gwaine, but that’s how it is. Period.”

Gwaine sighed. “So I guess we’ll have to find a bigger flat then. Because I love you, Merlin, and I want to live with you. And if you guys are a package deal, then I’ll take all three of you.”

There it was again. _I love you._ He and Gwaine had been married for three months (not counting the two months after Vegas), and Merlin still hadn’t been able to say it back. He was in love with Gwaine, in a way, but it hadn’t felt right to say those big three words yet. Gwaine didn’t even know about his magic, though Merlin assumed he should probably tell him if they were going to move in together. Especially since he couldn’t force Anna to hide it all the time. Maybe Gwaine wouldn’t even want to move in anymore once he found out. Merlin couldn’t be sure; how could he?

“Probably the cat as well. My Mum loves Killy, but… I’m afraid he won’t let me go without coming with me. I should get her another cat, though… or better two.”

Gwaine sighed again. “The cat it is as well. You’re an odd duck, Merlin Emrys.”

“But you married me anyway.”

“I never said that was a bad thing.” Gwaine grinned smugly and Merlin leaned in to kiss him. Now he would just have to tell his family the news.

 

 

“You’re moving out?” Arthur sounded way too incredulous for Merlin’s liking. “Why?”

“Uhm, because that’s what people do after they got married?”

Arthur made a weird sort of noise and scrunched up his nose. “I guess so.”

“I told Gwaine that me, Anna, and Freya are a package deal, though. And the cat, too.”

“Of course the cat, too. As if Kilgharrah would ever let you go.”

“That’s what I told him. But he just thought I’m a weird cat guy... Even though Kilgharrah would literally make a scene.”  
Arthur frowned. “Why would he think you’re a weird cat guy? That creature never shuts up.”

“Yeah, well… he doesn’t exactly know… _that._ ”

“He doesn’t know that the cat can talk?”

“He doesn’t know that I have magic.”

Arthur stared. “HE DOESN’T KNOW YOU HAVE MAGIC?” he repeated slowly, voice raised.

Merlin shook his head. “It never came up? Or… ugh, I don’t know. I was scared to tell him, I guess. I mean, this is a bit freaky and there aren’t many people who know about it. I really didn’t want to freak him out and scare him away.”

“Gwaine doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who gets scared easily.”

“No, but… ugh, I don’t know.”

Arthur sighed. “You don’t know a lot, do you?”

“Right now I really don’t. My life is a mess,” Merlin whined and Arthur gave him a look.

“You’re married, you’ve got a job you like, you’re getting amazing grades at university, you’ve got an amazing daughter, you’ve got great friends, _and_ you have magic. I really don’t see what’s so bad about your life, mate.”

Merlin made a face. “You’re supposed to let me complain, not tell me how amazing you think my life is,” he grumbled.

“It is, though. Positive thinking, and all that crap. You should try it.”

Merlin sighed and raised his hands in surrender. “All right, all right. It could be worse.”

Arthur nodded, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.  “Of course it could be worse. Look at me, for instance. I’m single, I hate my job, I’m back living with my sister and my best friend is thousands of miles away.”

He tried to make it sound like a joke, but Merlin could hear the edge in his voice. He wasn’t happy, and Merlin had told him over and over again to look for another job where his father wouldn’t be his boss, but Arthur didn’t seem to want to listen.

“You could change almost all of that, you know.”

Arthur just sighed. “I wish I could.”

“You can. You’re just too scared.”

Arthur glared at him. “I am _not_ scared.”

“Of course you are. I know you, Arthur. You always try to look fearless and invulnerable, but you’re not. And you know you don’t need to pretend with me. I have no idea why I even have to tell you this.”

Arthur groaned and leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair. “I just don’t _want_ to be scared. If my father had even just an inkling that I’m scared to tell him that I don’t want to work for him, or that I’m scared that I will never live up to his expectations… he’d straight up laugh at me. He wouldn’t understand. You know him, Merlin.”

“Then don’t _be_ scared. Just tell him. What can he possibly do that is so bad that you would never recover from it?”

“Disinherit me?”

“There are worse fates. You can make your own money, Arthur. And you don’t even _want_ his company, do you?”  

Arthur shook his head. “No. But… he’s my Dad. I still love him, despite everything. I don’t want him to cut me out of his life.”

Merlin wished he could reach through the screen and hug him. Arthur needed a hug more than anything, Merlin could feel it.

“He will come around, eventually. And you will never be alone, Arthur, because you’ll always have _me_. Okay?”

Arthur gave him a small smile. “Yeah, I know. And you’re probably right.”

Merlin grinned. “I always am.”

Arthur snorted. “You’re certainly not. Go tell your husband about your magic, you great idiot. I’ll see you soon.”

Merlin nodded.

“See you soon.”

 

**New Text Message**

To: Arthur

_Gwaine didn’t make a run for it._

 

From: Arthur

_told you_

 

To: Arthur

_He keeps asking me and Anna to use magic so he doesn’t have to move._

 

From: Arthur

_can you blame him?_

 

To: Arthur

_Not really, I guess._

_Did you tell your Dad?_

 

From: Arthur

_not yet… I have a meeting with him this afternoon_

_wish me luck_


	11. The One with the Rainbow Hair

“Kilgharrah, stop!” Merlin yelled for what felt like the hundredth time that day. It was their first day in their new, shared flat, and Kilgharrah didn’t like it at all. He was still mad at Merlin for marrying Gwaine in the first place, and moving in with him now seemed to be too much for the cat. He kept scratching and biting Gwaine whenever he got the chance and Merlin was busy saving his husband from more serious injuries.

“You’re a bad kitty today, Killy,” Anna told him, and Kilgharrah stopped for a second to look at her, apparently considering if his fondness of the little girl was enough to actually stop tormenting Gwaine, but then he turned around to start another attack.

“I am afraid I have to be, young sorceress. Your father refused to follow the destiny he shares with the young King. It is on me to repair what has been broken now.”

Anna turned to look at Merlin. “What does he mean, Daddy? Who is the young King?”

Merlin sighed. “He’s talking about Arthur.”

The little girl’s eyes widened. “Uncle Arthur is a king?”

“No, he’s not. But according to Kilgharrah he was one, a very long time ago,” Merlin explained.

Anna nodded excitedly. “Whoa! I believe him. Uncle Arthur looks like a king! He’s very pretty.”

Gwaine, who was struggling to get Kilgharrah off his back again, turned with a grimace on his face. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re saying the cat thinks that the princess was actually a king? And now what, he worships Arthur and therefore hates me?”

“I do not worship a human. Arthur is the Once and Future King, and it is Merlin’s destiny to help him make the world a better place. It has been told from the beginning of time that the Once and Future King and Emrys would reach greatness together. Only together, they can be complete. They’re but two sides of the same coin. You, Sir Gwaine, are endangering the balance of nature.”

Merlin was certain he had never heard Kilgharrah babble that much in one go before.

“He’s talking, isn’t he?” Gwaine asked with a grim look on his face, “What is he saying?”

“He said that Daddy and uncle Arthur should be together and that they’re two sides of a coin!” Anna told him, beaming brightly.

Merlin blushed.

“Great. So the cat wants you to be with the princess. That’s why he hates me.”

“Well… yes. But--”

“Merlin! I can’t live with a cat that hates me because I’m not Arthur.”

“He won’t go. Trust me. If I bring him back to my Mum, he will find a way back. He isn’t just a regular cat, and he won’t let it go.”

Gwaine glared at him. “So what are you going to do? Be with Arthur because the cat tells you to?”

Merlin cringed.

“Of course not. Give him some time, he will get used to it,” he said weakly. He didn’t really believe it himself.

Gwaine glared again and left the room without another word. Merlin couldn’t really blame him for being mad.

Anna was still grinning brightly. “I knew it! You should’ve married uncle Arthur!”

“Anna--”

“I will call him and tell him what the cat said, and that he has to ask you to marry him.” She was out of the room before Merlin could do so much as take a breath, and Merlin groaned in frustration.

“It seems I have acquired an ally,” Kilgharrah said smugly.

Merlin ignored him and ran after his daughter instead.

She was already on the phone when he found her in her new room.

“You have to marry my Daddy!” he heard her saying and bit his lip. He’d love to hear what Arthur was saying in return, even though it shouldn’t interest him at all.

“Kilgharrah says that it is your destiny. You’re two sides of a coin and not complete without each other.”

Merlin leaned against the doorframe and sighed softly.

“But Daddy doesn’t love Gwaine, he loves you so much more! I know it,” Anna said, and Merlin knew that she truly believed that. She wasn’t wrong. Maybe she felt it through their special bond; through the magic they shared. Her magic was drawn to Arthur, just like Merlin’s was; and Anna loved him, just like Merlin did, just in a very different way.

“Yes, he said that... almost said that. He said that he loves you.”

Merlin knew he shouldn’t secretly wish that Anna’s words would change anything. But there was this nagging feeling that wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard Merlin tried.

“He never said that he loves Gwaine. Only you. Do you love my Dad?”

Merlin held his breath.

“So marry him!”

That was probably a yes. Of course it was, Merlin knew that. He knew Arthur loved him, in a way. He just didn’t want to be with him.

“Okay…” Anna said sadly, “ But Mummy said you should never give up on love.”

Suddenly there were tears burning behind Merlin’s eyes. He didn’t know where they’d come from. His life wasn’t fair. Merlin knew he should be happy, but if he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he really wasn’t as happy as he could be. He wanted _more_ . He didn’t want “I don’t know”, he wanted “FUCK, YES, I LOVE YOU!” But there was only one person he could ever have that with, and that person wasn’t available. So if he didn’t want to be alone, he had to _learn_ loving Gwaine as much as he deserved to be loved.

“I love you too, Uncle Arthur,” Anna said and hang up. When she turned around, Merlin saw the tears gleaming in her eyes and he crossed the room quickly to pull her in his arms.

“Uncle Arthur says he loves you, and I know you love him, so why can’t you be together?” she asked quietly, her voice shaking.

Merlin held onto her and buried his face in her hair.

“I don’t know, sweetheart. Maybe we’re just not meant to be,” he whispered sadly.

“But you are! Kilgharrah said it!”

Merlin sighed. “Kilgharrah says a lot of things.”

“I know he’s right about this. I will always believe it. One day you’ll see, Daddy.” Anna sounded so determined, and so full of hope that Merlin couldn’t bring himself to disagree with her. He couldn’t break his little girl’s heart. Not ever. So he let her believe; he let her believe in something he’d long given up hope on.

 

 

“Anna called me yesterday,” Arthur told Merlin over Skype the next day.

Merlin sighed. “I know.”

“She said I should ask you to marry me,” Arthur said, sounding half-serious and half-amused. Merlin’s cheeks flushed in a light shade of pink. It was ridiculous, but somehow he felt embarrassed talking to Arthur about this. He tried chuckling, but it sounded rather pathetic.

“She’s not given up on that idea yet, just a little warning in advance.”

“Whatever gave her that idea in the first place? She said something about the cat?”

Merlin snorted. “Did you think Kilgharrah has given up his incessant babbling about destiny and coins? It’s still his favorite topic and he seems to be pretty passionate about it. He tries his best to make Gwaine’s life a living hell.”

Arthur sighed. “Does he know it’s because of me?”

“Anna told him.”

“Well, isn’t that great? As if the guy didn’t hate me enough already.”

Merlin shook his head. Gwaine wasn’t Arthur’s biggest fan, but Merlin thought that _hate_ went a bit far.

“He doesn’t _hate_ you.”

“But he doesn’t like me either.”

Merlin couldn’t exactly disagree with that.

“He just doesn’t know you well enough.”

“If you say so.” Arthur didn’t sound convinced. Merlin really believed that Gwaine just needed to get to know Arthur better in order to start liking him more. Merlin couldn’t imagine anyone not liking Arthur once they truly got to know him.

There was a pause, before Merlin shrugged and decided to change the topic.

“Anyway. How’s the new job?”

Arthur started beaming. “It’s great! My new colleagues are great, my boss is great - mostly because he’s not my father - and, yeah, it’s actually fun.”

“See, I told you you’d be happier away from your Dad’s company. Is he still not talking to you?”

Arthur shook his head. “Not really. He wants me to inherit everything one day, so naturally he wanted me to be a part of the company from the start… But I just can’t do this right now. I need to be away from him for a while and find my own way.”

Merlin had preached that to him for a while now, and he was glad that Arthur had finally listened to him. A small smile spread on his lips.

“I’m proud of you, Arthur.”

Arthur made a face. “Don’t say that.”

“I am, though.”

“Yeah, well, I’m proud of you too,” he said reluctantly.

Merlin raised an eyebrow. “Me? What have _I_ done?”

“You managed to raise a wonderful daughter, you are married to a guy who loves you, and you’re probably going to graduate from university second in your class.”

Arthur was right. Merlin _had_ a good life, he had every reason to be proud. But somehow, for some stupid reason, he still wasn’t happy. He should be, but he wasn’t.

“Yeah, well…” Merlin sighed.

“Okay. What’s wrong now?”

Damn Arthur for always knowing that something wasn’t right. Sometimes it was hard hiding things from him, especially ever since Merlin had shared his last big secret with him many years ago.

“I don’t know. I’m not… I’m not happy. I don’t know why.”

Arthur sighed. “Shall I repeat the question I asked you at your wedding?”

Merlin didn’t answer.

“Do you love Gwaine?”

“I don’t know,” Merlin said automatically, and groaned in frustration as soon as the words had left his mouth.

“Well, there’s your answer then. I know I said I’m proud of you for marrying a guy who loves you, but that’s worth nothing if you don’t love him back. You deserve to be happy and _in love_ , Merlin.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I just-- ugh, it’s not that I don’t love him at all. Gwaine’s great and I adore him, in a way, and I _want_ to love him so badly--”

“-- but you don’t?”

Merlin sighed again and leaned back in his chair.

“Not as much as I want… or could.”

And he never would, Merlin knew that for certain.

“I couldn’t even say it back yet…”  
Arthur narrowed his eyes at him. “Wait. So he told you he loves you--”

“Multiple times, yeah.”

“-- and you just… say nothing?”

Merlin shrugged. “I kiss him, usually.”

Arthur shook his head, a humorless grin tugging at his lips.

“Merlin, are you sure you want this? Be married to him?”

“I don’t want to be alone.” Another automatic answer.

“But this can’t be _it_ , can it?”

Merlin was certain it was all he’d ever get, so he really believed that his marriage was _it._ It didn’t look like the universe had planned anything bigger for him.

“I need to give us a chance, Arthur. Gwaine deserves at least that.”

“You do keep saying that.” Arthur sighed and Merlin averted his eyes.

“Just promise that you’ll try and be happy, Merlin.”

Merlin bit his lip and nodded. “I will.”

 

 

Merlin still worked in Gaius’ bookshop on Fridays, and he still looked forward to it all week. He brought Anna with him that Friday, because Freya had some appointments and Gwaine was busy at work all day, while his mother was on vacation with a friend of hers. Merlin was glad, too, because he knew she hadn’t been on vacation in years and deserved every second of it.

Gaius loved Anna, and he was always stunned by the things she could do with her magic already. Merlin had trained her from the start, and it was definitely showing. He had still a lot to learn himself, though, and Gaius was of great assistance.

Anna learned how to dye Gaius’ hair that afternoon and they all had a great laugh when the old man suddenly had blue hair, and then pink, and then green.

“I need to try this on uncle Arthur!” Anna stated and Merlin couldn’t wait to see that.

He had already dyed Arthur’s hair in various colours when he’d been younger, and Arthur had been delighted at first, but more and more annoyed when he got older and more vain.

“Oh yeah, you should definitely do that,” Merlin encouraged her, ignoring the disapproving look on Gaius’ face. The old man was always overly worried and tended to be a total buzzkill when it came to magic. The last thing Merlin wanted was for his daughter to be afraid of who she was, though, so he encouraged her to embrace her gift whenever he could, and he allowed her to have a bit of fun with it as well from time to time.

Later that afternoon, Anna was looking at a book in the corner and Gaius stepped closer to Merlin, who was busy sorting the new books that had been delivered earlier that day.

“You need to be more careful, Merlin. With Anna, especially. If anyone finds out--”

Merlin held up his hands in surrender. “I know, I know. I’ve known this my whole life, Gaius. But I can’t teach Anna to be afraid her entire life. I won’t.”

“I do understand that, my boy. I just want you both to be careful. Many people are not ready to be faced with the truth, that magic is actually very real.”

Merlin sighed. He knew all of that, of course he did. But sometimes it was hard having such a special gift and not being able to share it with anyone, or to use it to do good. It was quite lonely, too, even though Merlin was lucky to have his friends and family around, who supported him and Anna no matter what.

“You said there are loads of people with magic in the world, right? Then why do I never meet anyone else? My whole life I haven’t met one person who shared my gift.”

“Because those who have magic hide it well, Merlin, just like you do.”

Merlin supposed that made sense. It wasn’t like magical folk would run around with a sign on their foreheads. He could’ve met dozens of other sorcerers in his life, for all he knew.

“What’s it good for then, if we can’t use it, or let anyone know that we have it?”

“Well, many wizards and witches are doctors. Their magic helps saving lives. Many are soldiers, too, or apothecaries, or work for charities. Many use their powers for good, Merlin.”

Merlin grunted. “Great. And what do I do? I’m graduating in English and History and work in a bookshop on Fridays.”

“This bookshop is more than it seems, Merlin. Many sorcerers come here every day--”

“What? They come in here and-- They disappear through the hidden door I once stumbled upon, don’t they? And there you…” And that was when it dawned on him. “I’m so stupid. How could I not have noticed this earlier? You have a special section for sorcerers, don’t you?” It was the only thing that made sense; in fact, it made so much sense that Merlin felt even more stupid for not getting it sooner. Was he half asleep all the time?

“Indeed.”

“Oh, this is just wonderful. I’ve been working here for what - more than two years, three? And you’re only telling me this now? How could I not have-- wait.” Wait. “I faintly remember all those people coming in and disappearing, with you, most of the time - but it’s like the memories are not quite there. It’s a spell, isn’t it?”

“It is. It’s a perception filter spell.”

Merlin stared. “Why-- why didn’t you tell me about this? Let me meet others like me?”

“Because you weren’t ready, Merlin. You were untrained, and young,” Gaius said calmly, like it was the most natural thing in the world that he’d kept such a huge thing from Merlin for so long, even using magic on him.

“And now?”

“Now I believe you are ready. You have matured, and you’re much more in control of your powers. It is time for you to meet others of your kind, and learn more about the magical world.”

Merlin wasn’t sure if he was excited to hear that, or still too mad at his mentor for deceiving him for so long. And he was mad at himself, too, for being so blind to his surroundings.

“You will graduate soon, and I want to offer you a job, Merlin. I’m an old man, and I could use someone to help me with the shop, full time. There aren’t many suitable for this position, as you can imagine, and I want you to consider it.”

 _A job_ . Merlin’s eyes widened in surprise. He had been thinking about what he wanted to do after university, but hadn’t been certain. Nothing felt quite right. But this… _This_ felt right, working in a bookshop, surrounded by people who were just like him, people who understood-- He didn’t even have to consider it first.

“Oh my God, yes! Of course I want to work here! That would be-- thanks, Gaius. I--”

“You don’t have to decide right away, Merlin,” Gaius told him, but Merlin shook his head.

“No, I already have. I take the job.”

“Are you sure, Merlin? I don’t want to keep you here in this tiny, dusty bookshop if--”  
Merlin held up a hand. “I love this place, Gaius. I wasn’t sure what to do after university, but this just _feels_ right. I want to work here, and I want to meet other people like me.”

Gaius gave him a small smile. “Well, I’m glad to hear it, my boy.”

“And I’m glad you offered.”

Merlin was genuinely happy about the offer. He hadn’t considered working full time in the tiny bookshop before, but as soon as Gaius had offered, he’d known that it was exactly what he wanted. He didn’t need to fly high, and have a great career like Arthur. Merlin just wanted to be happy, and he felt like he could truly be happy working with books and people who had magic like him, people who understood his talents and knew to appreciate them.

 

**New Text Message**

To: Arthur

_Guess who has a job!_

 

From: Arthur

_i’m guessing you? what is it?_

 

To: Arthur

_Turns out Gaius has a secret magical section. He offered me a full time job._

 

From: Arthur

_in the bookshop?_

 

To: Arthur

_Yeah. What do you think?_

 

From: Arthur

_i think it sounds perfect_


	12. The One with the Reasons to Keep Fighting

Merlin started working full time for Gaius that autumn, and he quickly settled into a new routine. He had fun working at the bookshop, and even more fun finally getting to know other sorcerers and learning more about the magical world. Anna was spending a lot of her afternoons after school in the shop with him, excited to show off her magic to customers who knew to appreciate it. And on the weekends, they all spend a lot of time together, he and Freya and Gwaine and Anna and his Mum, and Merlin tried his best to get some alone time with Gwaine as well.

Merlin still enjoyed spending time with him, despite everything, but sometimes it felt like he and Gwaine had never been supposed to get married. It felt like they were amazing friends, but everything beyond that didn’t feel quite right. Merlin had reluctantly told him he loved him some time in the summer, but his heart still hadn’t been in it. Arthur had called him stupid for it, and rightfully so, but Merlin didn’t know what else to do. He still didn’t want to be alone, and he was glad to have Gwaine in his life. He supported Merlin in everything he did, he was a really great friend, and amazing with Anna. Kilgharrah was still tormenting the man whenever he had the chance, but Gwaine had gotten used to it after a while and learned how to ignore the nasty feline.

Life was good, overall, even though Merlin still wished he could see Arthur more often. They skyped at least twice every week, but it still wasn’t the same. Most of the time, Arthur was too busy at work to talk for long, let alone come visiting them. Merlin missed him, and he knew Anna did too, but he also knew that it was probably better for his marriage that Arthur wasn’t around a lot. Kilgharrah was still very vocal about his preferences and wishes when it came to Merlin’s love life, and Gwaine wasn’t as relaxed about Merlin’s friendship with Arthur as he pretended to be. Gwaine wasn’t one to get jealous easily, but he was quite possessive all the same. Kilgharrah’s words struck a nerve with Gwaine every time, even though he’d never admit it.

Things were good the way they were. Not perfect, but good. Life was good.

Until that one fateful day in February, when Merlin’s mother called him in tears and told him that she’d been diagnosed with cancer.

Merlin wasn’t sure how to handle the news at first. Maybe he was in a state of shock and disbelieve, or maybe he just couldn’t even begin to realize what that meant for his Mum, and for all of them. There was a suffocating feeling of dread pressing down on his chest, making it hard to breath, and even harder to think. He couldn’t lose his mother. He _needed_ her, cancer couldn’t take her away from him, he wouldn’t _let_ it. Surely there was something he could do with his magic, surely--

Merlin had to stop and sit, trying to catch his breath. It was still hard to breathe, still hard to keep himself from screaming at the top of his lungs. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, threatening to fall.

His hands were shaking violently when he fumbled out his phone. Merlin was alone in the bookshop, he couldn’t have a breakdown now. He needed to pull through, and there was only one person that could help.

“Hey, Merls. What’s up?” Arthur answered casually, only a few rings into the call. Merlin sighed in relief. Arthur’s voice had a calming effect on him, instantly making it a little bit easier to breathe.

“Arthur!” Merlin’s voice sounded strange; choked with the weight of the bad news he had to break to Arthur. He was certain that Arthur would be able to calm him down enough so he could continue working, but he had no doubt that Arthur would be just as devastated as he was. Arthur _loved_ Merlin’s Mum, he always had.

“What’s wrong?” Arthur asked, already alarmed by Merlin’s voice.

Merlin tried to take a breath, tried to make his hands stop shaking.

“It’s-- it’s my Mum.”

“What happened?”

“She went to the doctor today to get her results from her check up last week and - oh god, Arthur, you know she had a feeling that something wasn’t right and--”

“What is it, Merlin? What did the doctor say?”

Merlin bit his lip so hard that it hurt. “There’s a… a lump in her breast and--”

He heard Arthur gasp. “Oh no. God no. It’s cancer, isn’t it?”

Merlin just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry until he’d wake up from this nightmare.

“It is,” he managed to say.

There was a banging noise on Arthur’s side. “Shit! Fuck!”

Merlin opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again when he just didn’t know what else to say.

“I’m taking the next flight to London,” Arthur announced.

Merlin felt the need to protest, but he was so damn relieved that he kept his mouth shut.

“I should be there in about 12 hours. Hang in there, Merlin.”

“I-- God, Arthur, I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck at work until Gaius comes back and-- I don’t know how to handle this.”

“Which is why I’m on my way. Take a deep breath, Merlin. In and out. You know how this works. I’ll be there soon.”

Merlin did take a deep breath, and it felt good to finally be able to breathe again. Arthur always had that effect on him. No one else could calm him the way Arthur could.

“Okay. Okay. I can do this.”

“You can. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Okay.”

Okay. Okay. Merlin leaned onto the table, slowly breathing in and out like Arthur had told him to, like he’d done so many times before when Merlin had been on the verge of a panic attack. Arthur would be there soon.

And as bad as Merlin felt about it, Arthur was the only person that could truly get him through this. He _needed_ him. He’d been the first person Merlin had thought of, the first he’d called. Not his husband, but Arthur. And Merlin knew it was a sign he shouldn’t ignore, had known it before, but he did it anyway, shoved it to the back of his mind and tried focussing on the task at hand instead. He had more important things to worry about.

 

 

Gwaine and Freya were shocked to hear the news; Freya especially, since Hunith had been like a mother to her since she’d moved in with them all those years ago. Merlin could see that she was trying her best to suppress her tears, not wanting to upset their daughter, but they were glistening in her eyes, almost ready to fall.

“Will she be okay?” she asked, voice husky and low.

“She said I’m-- _we_ ’re not to worry, but she was crying and I know she’s going to try pretending that everything’s fine, even when it’s not. She’ll receive chemotherapy, maybe a treatment with radiotherapy… We have to hope for the best.”

“Many people have survived this before, Merlin. Your mother can, too,” Gwaine told him and pulled him against his chest.

“If anyone can survive this, it’s Hunith,” Freya said, her voice steadier now, her eyes clearer again. Merlin nodded. His mother had always been strong. She’d raised him on her own, always fighting for them to have a good life. And Merlin did have a good life, a good childhood. Hunith was an angel, and she didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve a lump of cells eating her away. And Merlin would do everything he could to help her, to make her better again.

“Arthur is on his way. He left to the airport as soon as I told him,” he told them.

Gwaine made a face, but didn’t say a word. Merlin knew he wouldn’t. This wasn’t the time or place for jealousy. “My Mum has always been like a mother to him, too,” he added, maybe in an attempt to explain anyway.

“Uncle Arthur is coming?” Anna came running into the kitchen, beaming brightly. They hadn’t told her about Hunith. There was no need to scare a 5-year-old, not yet anyway. From the looks of it, Anna had been eavesdropping, though, and Merlin wondered what else she’d heard.

“Yeah, honey. He is,” Freya confirmed and Anna jumped up and down in excitement. Like father, like daughter, Merlin couldn’t help thinking again, like every time Anna was overly excited to see or hear Arthur.

 

 

rthur arrived in the middle of the night, looking like hell. He had huge bags under his eyes, his hair was unusually tousled and his skin white as a sheet. But even in the state he was in, even when he was obviously tired and devastated, he was still ridiculously handsome and Merlin hated him a little bit for it. He couldn’t think things like that now, it didn’t seem proper, not given the circumstances that had led to his spontaneous visit in the first place. But more than that, Merlin was just really glad to see him. It had been a long time, and Merlin had missed him so much.

He cracked a small smile for him and was happy to see it returned as he wrapped his arms around Arthur and held on tight. He felt Arthur arms coming around his waist, his head turning slightly so Merlin could feel his lips against his neck when he said, “Hey, clotpole.”

Merlin felt a shiver running down his spine and held on impossibly tighter. It was like he’d finally come home after a terribly long time away. Arthur’s familiar scent and his warmth had a calming effect on him, making him feel lighter than he had in hours.

“I missed you,” Merlin whispered, only for Arthur to hear.

He felt Arthur suck in a breath. “I missed you, too.”

Merlin didn’t want to let go, but he know he had to, so he pulled away, reluctantly, a soft smile gracing his lips. Freya and Gwaine were up waiting to greet Arthur as well, Freya hugging him quickly and Gwaine shaking his hand with a wry grin.

“Hey, princess. It’s been a while.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes a little. “Yeah. Good to see you.”

Merlin didn’t believe that either of them really meant it. Gwaine and Arthur had a complicated relationship at best; weird, considering how much they both cared for Merlin. Then again, that was probably the problem.

Kilgharrah was sitting on the couch, grim satisfaction apparent on his face.

“There are only so many times you can let destiny slip away, young warlock,” he said, but Merlin ignored him, not even bothering to turn in his direction.

“You can’t ignore me forever, Merlin. There will come a day when you will see that I have told you the truth all along.”

 _If only_ , Merlin thought faintly as he watched Arthur peel off his coat. He was wearing a suit that looked like it cost more than Merlin made a month, his shirt crinkled from the long flight. It looked like he hadn’t changed before heading to the airport and Merlin was now looking at his work outfit from the day before. If he looked like this every day at work, Merlin was almost glad he didn’t have to see him every day; even rumpled and tired Arthur still looked unfairly good in his suit.

“Uncle Arthur!” Merlin’s thoughts were interrupted by Anna rushing past him, her favorite stuffed animal pressed against her chest and her dark hair tousled from sleep.

She ran straight into Arthur’s arms and hugged him tightly, her little arms coming around his neck as Arthur kneeled down to be closer to her height.

“Well hello, sweetheart. Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Arthur asked as he held her close.

“Yes, but I told Killy to wake me when you’re here. I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to see you.”

Merlin turned to glare at the cat that was just returning to his spot on the sofa. Merlin hadn’t even noticed that he’d snuck away.

Arthur laughed delightedly. “Of course you’d ask the cat.”

Anna nodded and yawned, her arm coming up to hide it.

“Oh, but I can see how tired you are, little lady.”

“Will you come upstairs with me and read me a story?”

Arthur gave her a smile. “Of course. Just give me a second to talk to your Dad and I’ll be right up, okay? Wait for me.” He pressed a kiss to Anna’s forehead and shoved her gently towards the stairs.

“Okay,” Anna said and picked up the stuffed animal that she’d dropped in her rush to hug Arthur. “I’ll go find a book.”

And with that she walked back up to her room.

Merlin smiled after her, warmth filling his chest when he noticed that Arthur was smiling too. Arthur was wonderful with his daughter, he always had been. He would make a great father on his own one day.

Shaking his head a little, Merlin shifted his focus back to reality.

“Well, I’m going to bed as well. It’s been a _really_ long day,” Freya announced and gave them all a smile before heading towards the stairs to follow Anna up. “Good night, lads.”

Gwaine nodded and looked back and forth between Merlin and Arthur for a moment. Then he sighed and Merlin could’ve sworn he saw him rolling his eyes.

“Ah, yes. I’m gonna follow the ladies and hit the hay. Gotta get up again in a few hours.”

He walked over to Merlin and gave him an extra long kiss on the mouth, before grinning smugly and heading towards their bedroom. Merlin bit his lip when he was gone, wishing he wouldn’t feel so awkward about his husband kissing him in front of his best friend.

Arthur cleared his throat. “Right. Um…”

Merlin couldn’t shake the feeling that Arthur hadn’t liked the little scene in front of him either.

“You look better than you sounded earlier.”

Merlin shrugged. He did feel a little better, but not much overall. “Well… the initial shock wore off, I suppose. Plus… I’m really glad you’re here.”

Arthur gave him a small smile. “Yeah, me too. How’s Hunith?”

“She’s devastated and scared, of course. But you know her, she won’t show us how she really feels. She thinks she has to be strong for us.”

Arthur nodded. “We’ll go see her tomorrow, yeah?”

“Of course.”

Arthur came closer and reached out to squeeze Merlin’s hand.

“We’ll get through this.”

His touch made Merlin feel warm inside; like the world was suddenly a better place again just because Arthur was there.

“How long will you be staying?”

“As long as you need me to.”

“What about your job?”

Arthur shrugged. “I told them it was a family emergency. That someone I care about got sick and needs me around. My new boss is friends with Morgana, so it’s all fine, don’t worry.”

Merlin smiled softly and slid his arm around Arthur’s waist in a smooth motion, head resting on his shoulder for a moment, face half-buried at Arthur’s neck.

“Thank you,” he whispered, and let out an involuntary sigh when Arthur hugged him back. Merlin felt like he belonged in Arthur’s arms; it was where he felt home, and safe.

He pulled back after a few moments and met Arthur’s eyes. It was one of these moments again when he just wanted to grab him and kiss him. But then Merlin remembered how that had ended the last time and he shook his head to snap out of it. He was married, for fuck’s sake.

“Well, I have a story to read to your daughter,” Arthur said. He had a strange look in his eyes, one that Merlin couldn’t quite decipher - which was weird, since he usually knew Arthur in and out.

“Yeah. Better not let her wait for too long. Because I know she _will_ wait, trust me. If my girl doesn’t want to fall asleep, she doesn’t. She has school tomorrow, though, so don’t make it too long.” Merlin felt strangely grown-up, saying that. Like he was a responsible adult, a grown-up dad who was on top of things. He wasn’t. He was 24 and had no idea what the hell he was doing. Merlin did know that Anna had to be fit for school in the morning, though.

Arthur gave him a wry grin. “Sure, _Dad_.”  

And with that he turned to leave the room, missing the tongue Merlin was sticking out at him.

 

Merlin felt weird lying in bed next to Gwaine that night. He felt out of place, and guilty for having thoughts about Arthur that he really shouldn’t have. Gwaine was his husband, Arthur was his best friend, and yet… And yet.

When Gwaine turned and wrapped his arm around him, Merlin couldn’t help thinking that he’d prefer Arthur holding him like that, just to have that feeling again - a feeling Gwaine couldn’t provide him with.

And it wasn’t fair, because Merlin knew how much Gwaine loved him. He loved him, too - in a way. But it wasn’t enough and Merlin was selfish; he was too selfish to let him go. He couldn’t break his heart _now_ , either. With his Mum being sick and everything that was going on, he just couldn’t add to the pile of things that broke his own heart. Because breaking Gwaine’s would surely break his, too. Merlin had to be selfish like that, or else he didn’t know if he could make it through.

Still, just because he couldn’t end it and set Gwaine free, it didn’t mean that Merlin wasn’t feeling bad about it. He curled up and closed his eyes, trying to focus on his magic, on the way it was running through his veins, on the way it was like a calm sea and a raging storm at the same time. It was his version of counting sheep when he couldn’t sleep, when his own thoughts seemed to eat away at him.

It worked eventually, and Merlin dozed off into a restless slumber.

 

 

Merlin found Arthur fast asleep in the armchair in Anna’s room the next morning, her favorite book still in his lap. He woke his daughter with a gentle shake to the shoulder.

“Hey, sweetheart. It’s morning,” he said softly and let his magic nudge hers just as tenderly.

Anna opened her eyes slowly, her cheeks flushed pink from sleep.

“Morning, Daddy.” She yawned, a soft smile gracing her lips despite the early hour.

Her eyes fell on Arthur and she chuckled quietly.

“Uncle Arthur fell asleep reading me my favorite story.”

Merlin grinned. “He did, didn’t he? Why don’t you go and wake him?”

“Yeah?”

“Of course!”

Anna was out of bed in lightspeed and, excited as she was, jumped onto Arthur’s lap without mercy. Arthur was startled awake by the impact, and for a moment he looked like he he was about to start crying. He frowned and looked around, narrowing his eyes at Merlin when he spotted him laughing lustily.

“Morning, uncle Arthur!” Anna all but shouted, jumping up and down on Arthur’s lap.

Arthur groaned and reached up to ran a hand through his tousled hair.

“Morning, sweetheart. Did you sleep well?”

“I did! Did you?”

Arthur gave her a smile. “Well… your armchair isn’t the most comfortable place to sleep, but it was okay. Surprisingly more comfortable that you would expect, actually.”

Anna nodded. “That’s because I put my magic around you when you fell asleep. To keep you warm and safe. Daddy does that with me too, sometimes.”

Merlin felt his heart warm a little as he watched Arthur pulling his daughter in a gentle embrace.

“That was very kind of you. I remember your father using his magic on me sometimes when we were little - just a bit older than you are now. I should have remembered the feeling. It’s a very nice one,” he told her when he pulled away again.

Anna beamed. “You and Daddy were friends already when you were little?”

“Oh, yeah. Merlin ran me over on our first day of school. I didn’t like him all too much at first but… well, it’s really hard to dislike your Dad.” Arthur looked up to meet Merlin’s eyes, a fond smile gracing his lips.

Merlin returned his smile, feeling warm all over.

“He told me that I was pretty, and that I looked like Ken. I didn’t know what to say to that, so we became friends.”

Anna jumped excitedly. “You really look like Ken!”

Arthur laughed, and moved to stand, picking Anna up and putting her down again when he was standing.

He was still wearing his work suit, the expensive fabric now even more rumpled than the night before from sleeping in the armchair, and his hair was an unwashed mess. And still he managed to look utterly gorgeous - at least to Merlin’s eyes.

“You should take a shower,” Merlin told him bluntly. “You smell.”

“Oi! I don’t smell,” Arthur protested.

Anna giggled. “Yeah, you do. A little.”

Arthur made a face as Merlin burst into laughter.

“You’re both rude. Just so you know it,” he grumbled and walked out of the room, leaving Merlin and Anna and their laughter behind.

 

 

Merlin and Arthur dropped Anna off at school and went to visit Hunith straight after. She was sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and watching TV when Merlin let them in with the keys he still had.

She looked up, a broad smile spreading on her lips when she noticed who it was.

“My boys!” Hunith got up from the couch and walked over to pull first Arthur, then Merlin into a tight hug.

“Hi, Mum.”

“Hi, Hunith.” Arthur gave her his most charming smile.

She returned it and reached up to cup Arthur’s face in a motherly gesture. “This is such a pleasant surprise! I didn’t know you were coming! Why didn’t you say, Merlin?”

Merlin bit his lip. “Um, well, it was a very spontaneous visit. Arthur decided yesterday afternoon after I called him, so there wasn’t really much time to--”  
Hunith gave him a look. “Oh! You didn’t come because of me, though, did you?”

“Of course I came for you!” Arthur told her honestly, “You’re like a mother to me. And Merlin-- Merlin is like--” He gave Merlin a look that he had trouble interpreting. “Well… he’s _Mer_ lin. And I care about you. Both.”

Hunith’s smile grew ever softer and she pulled Arthur back into her arms.

“Oh, my boy! You didn’t have to do this. Though I am obviously glad you’re here.”

Merlin watched the scene with a smile of his own, happy that Arthur’s presence seemed to cheer his mother up so much.

“How are you, Mum?” he asked, remembering why they were there in the first place.

“I’m fine, cariad,” Hunith said as she pulled away from Arthur, a weak smile gracing her lips. Merlin sighed.

“I don’t just mean physically.”

“I’m really fine. This isn’t what I wished for, but… Life goes strange paths sometimes. I have to believe that everything will turn out the way it should in the end.”

Hunith reached out to squeeze Merlin’s arm.

“Oh, Mum.” Merlin hugged her again, fighting the tears burning in his eyes. “I told Gaius to look into some spells and potions that could help,” he told her, “Maybe my magic can--”  
Hunith shook her head as she pulled away. “Merlin, darling. No. I don’t want to you to get into this. I know you, and I know you’ll always blame yourself if you can’t help me. I don’t want that for you. And right now, I am not dying. The doctor said the odds aren’t bad. Don’t worry too much about me.”

“But--”

“Merlin. Please. For me, please don’t rack your brains to find a way to use your gift to help me. Everything will turn out like it’s meant to be, it always does.”

Merlin sighed. He knew his mother wouldn’t accept a no, so he nodded.

“All right, okay. I promise.” He wasn’t sure he would actually keep it, though. If there was anything Merlin couldn’t bear, it was seeing his Mum suffer.

He caught Arthur’s eyes, and saw that same mindset in them, the same determination. They would do everything they could to make Hunith well again.


	13. The One with the Goodbye

Arthur stayed for two whole months. Life was… different with Arthur around. He stayed in their guest room, much to Gwaine’s dismay, but Merlin and Freya wouldn’t allow him to stay at a hotel. That meant that Merlin’s sex life became non-existent in those two months, because he couldn’t bring himself to sleep with Gwaine knowing that Arthur was next door. It felt too weird, and Merlin’s feelings were complicated enough already without the added embarrassment it would probably cause him. He had no desire to make things worse for everyone around - and well, for himself, mostly. 

Naturally, his husband didn’t like it at all. He couldn’t understand what problem Merlin had and Merlin wasn’t willing to tell him either; it wasn’t like he could just tell him that he was still in love with Arthur after all. Because that was another thing Merlin came to realize by having Arthur around so much again: he still loved him, and it was hopeless.  _ He _ was hopeless. 

One night Freya caught him staring at Arthur over dinner, and when she confronted him later, there was no denying it. 

“You still love him, don’t you?” she asked with a sigh. 

“Of course I do, he’s my best friend,” Merlin told her weakly, his voice shaking ever so slightly. Freya just gave him an exasperated look and shook her head.

“Merlin.” 

Merlin sighed and raised his hands in surrender. “All right, all right. I do.” 

He did. And it was simultaneously the best and worst thing in the world. 

“So what are you going to do? Are you going to tell him this time? Are you going to tell Gwaine?” 

The thought alone made Merlin weak in the knees. He couldn’t tell them. What if Arthur rejected him? He  _ had _ made it clear before that he wasn’t interested in Merlin like that anymore. And if Arthur rejected him, and Gwaine left him... then Merlin wouldn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure he could handle it, even though their current situation wasn’t fair to anyone. He felt pathetic, and selfish, but with his Mum still battling the cancer he couldn’t even take the  _ thought _ of being alone.

“I can’t tell them, Frey.” 

“Why not? Arthur is single this time!” 

“He told me at my wedding that he’s not-- that he doesn’t want _ that _ . With me. Anymore.”

Freya shook her head. “Of course he would tell you that  _ at your wedding _ . Trust me, Merlin. I’ve seen the way he looks at you every day for the past six weeks. He’s crazy about you.” 

Merlin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I can’t. I just can’t. Right now, with my Mum and everything that’s going on… I couldn’t handle him rejecting me.” 

His friend sighed. “Okay. I understand that. But you have to tell Gwaine eventually. This isn’t fair to him.” 

“I know. Trust me, I know.” Of course he knew. And Merlin felt guilty for it every single day, yet he felt unable to change it. 

It wasn’t that Gwaine didn’t notice things. Because he did. The lack of sex, and the lack of attention Merlin had left for him was like a really heavy cloud hanging low over their relationship. 

“This is about Arthur, isn’t it?” Gwaine asked one night after Merlin had turned down yet another one of his advances. 

“Of course not. Arthur and I are just friends, like we’ve always been,” Merlin snapped and immediately regretted it. He sighed. “Look, I’m sorry. Everything’s just been a bit much lately. The chemo is taking a lot out of my Mum and I just want to help her, but I don’t know how and it’s driving me crazy! I have all this power inside of me, yet I’m completely powerless, and useless to her.” 

Gwaine looked almost ashamed when he pulled Merlin into his arms.

“Fuck, Merlin, I’m sorry. I know you’re worried about your Mum and… I shouldn’t have made this about Arthur. I’m sorry. You’re not useless. You’re-- you’re actually quite wonderful, Merlin, and knowing your mother… Well, I know that’s absolutely enough for her. She loves you. Having you by her side is all she needs.” 

Hearing Gwaine’s soft voice in his ear made Merlin feel even more guilty. Gwaine hadn’t been wrong. Merlin hadn’t lied, but Arthur still was a huge part of the problem, if one could call it that. He knew it wasn’t fair what he was doing, and he swore to himself that he would tell Gwaine the truth as soon as he managed to work up the courage. He had to set him free, and let him move on; he couldn’t hold him back just because he couldn’t do the same himself. 

Anna and Kilgharrah were very pleased by Arthur’s presence. They both loved having him around, even though the cat didn’t even seem to like him so much as a person. He just wanted Arthur to be around Merlin, it seemed. The weird cat. 

Merlin loved having Arthur around as well, of course. He’d missed it, being able to talk to him at all times, seeing him more often than just every few months. It was nice, and Merlin found himself wishing that he’d just stay forever, even though that probably wouldn’t solve any of his problems. So when Merlin dropped Arthur off at the airport after two months, when Hunith was showing the first signs of getting better, he was sad, but relieved too, in a way; relieved that he wouldn’t be confronted with his own feelings every day anymore.

 

 

Six months after Hunith had gotten diagnosed with cancer, the doctor told her that the chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatments had been successful and that all the lumps seemed to have gone, that she had won her battle and was on a good way to being completely healthy again. Merlin felt like a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders when his mother called him that day. It was the day before Anna’s 6th birthday - and Arthur’s 25th - and Merlin supposed it was the best birthday present they could’ve gotten. 

Arthur was back to visit them over his birthday and they all celebrated exuberantly. Merlin felt almost carefree, lighter than he had in months, and everyone else seemed like they’d finally woken up from a nightmare and were just relieved that it’s over, laughing and joking happily. 

Life went back to normal after that. Well, almost, if it wasn’t for the nagging voice in Merlin’s head, telling him that he had to talk to Gwaine. But Gwaine seemed so happy since Hunith’s recovery, and Merlin didn’t want to break his heart, so he postponed it again and again, ignoring the judging looks Freya threw his way more often than not. 

To avoid the issue he started working longer every day, and training his own as well as Anna’s magic more intensively with the help of some of the sorcerers he’d become acquainted with through his job. 

He kept himself busy, and life went on. The time flew by, mercilessly slipping through Merlin’s fingers and before he knew it, a whole year had passed. When Merlin looked back on it, it seemed more like a blur of days, and endless ocean of memories, good and bad, but none good enough to stand out. Merlin was happy enough with Gwaine, and Gwaine seemed happy, too, most of the time. Freya had stopped being mad at him after a while, and after seeing his relationship with Gwaine blossoming so unexpectedly. Merlin tried really hard to be a good husband when he was home; he tried his best, even though he knew he didn’t love Gwaine enough to make it last forever. They were fine now, but would they still be fine in a year? How long could Merlin keep up the charade? Gwaine deserved better than him, and Merlin knew that. He felt like an utter arse because of it, and one night, not long after Anna’s 7th birthday, he decided that it was finally enough. Gwaine was laughing loudly at a joke Anna had made, and while it warmed his heart, it also made him feel guilty for keeping such a wonderful man around when he deserved so much more love than Merlin could give him. 

So Merlin asked him if they could sit down together on the weekend, because they had to talk. Judging by the look on Gwaine’s face he already knew what was coming; he looked sad and defeated, but not too surprised. It hurt Merlin’s heart to see him like that, but after a year of stalling, he had to stop being pathetic and do the right thing. 

“You’re getting  _ divorced _ ?” Arthur asked incredulously when Merlin told him about his decision that night. “Why?” 

“Because I should’ve done so years ago. ‘ _ I don’t know’  _ never turned into  _ ‘Fuck, yes’  _ and that is not how it’s supposed to be. Gwaine deserves more than that.” 

Arthur gave him a soft look. “ _ You  _ deserve more than that. I always told you that.” 

Merlin sighed. “I know.” 

The truth was, he wasn’t sure if he would ever get _more than_ _that._ It seemed like no one could compete with the one person that was so close, and yet so far out of reach. 

He should tell Arthur, too. Merlin knew he should. Arthur was still single and he probably deserved to know; he deserved a chance to say  _ Yes _ ... Or _ No _ , for that matter. But he and Arthur went so far back, and Merlin didn’t want to risk destroying what they had, so he kept quiet. There was still a voice in his head, though, asking  _ what if _ .  _ What if  _ Arthur felt the same?  _ What if _ they could be  _ more than that _ ?  

It was an endless struggle of  _ wanting _ to tell him, and not being brave enough to actually do it. 

“Well, then it’s time for you to do something about it.” 

Merlin sighed. “I’m trying to. Telling Gwaine is the first step and then… Look, Arthur, I…” He stopped. This wasn’t the time or place. He shouldn’t have to tell Arthur via video chat, while he was thousands of kilometres away. It wasn’t fair. 

Arthur raised an eyebrow. “What?” He sounded strangely hopeful, but Merlin couldn’t be sure that he wasn’t just imagining it. 

“Nevermind.” Merlin shrugged. “I just wish you could be here. You know, there to get me drunk after I broke up with my husband.” 

“I can do that,” Arthur said seriously. 

“I want to tell him this weekend. That’s in three days, Arthur.” 

“Long enough.” He pulled out his phone. “Looking for flights now. Thursday night would probably be best.” 

Merlin sighed. “Arthur, come on. You don’t have to--”

“But I want to. You need me, so I’ll be there. So shut up and don’t worry about it. I told you before that I’m quite flexible at work.” 

Merlin smiled softly. He was glad that Arthur would be coming to support him and help him sweep up the shards of his marriage. But he was also nervous; Arthur being around meant he would somehow have to convince himself to talk to him as well, and to tell him how he felt. He had to be brave enough this time, because he couldn’t live wondering  _ what if _ . 

 

 

Once again, things didn’t work out quite as Merlin had planned. Arthur arrived Friday morning, just before Merlin was supposed to pick up Hunith from her check-up at the Doctor’s office. So Arthur just left his suitcase in the living room and they went together, both excited to surprise Hunith with another one of Arthur’s spontaneous visits. What they didn’t expect, however, was finding her sitting in the waiting room, looking completely lost, her eyes red and puffy. She was clutching a tissue in her fist, her hands shaking ever so slightly. When she spotted Merlin and Arthur, a soft sob escaped her and she started hastily wiping at her eyes.

“Arthur, my boy!” she said weakly, but with a genuine smile on her lips, “It is so good to see you. How are you?” 

Hunith hugged him tightly, and Arthur held her close, like the mother Merlin knew Hunith was to him. 

“I’m great, Hunith,” he said softly, and Merlin saw how hard it was for him to hold back his own question. It was clear that Hunith wasn’t fine, that something had happened, and Arthur didn’t want to be insensitive. Merlin, however, did not have that much self-control. Worry was eating away at him, and he had to know.

“Mum, what’s wrong? What did the doctor say?” 

Hunith let go of Arthur and turned to Merlin, her eyes brimming with tears. 

“Oh, Merlin. I’m so sorry.” 

“What for? Mum?” 

“The cancer is back,” she said weakly, and Merlin could’ve sworn his heart stopped for a moment. No. It couldn’t be. “They thought it was all gone after last time… but it spread, unnoticed, and now it is back.”

“Spread where?” 

Hunith reached up to touch her head, then her abdomen. Merlin felt tears burning in his eyes, and he had trouble holding them back. They had fought the cancer, it was supposed to be gone for good, it wasn’t supposed to come back. How could it have come back unnoticed? 

“Mum.” Merlin shook his head and pulled his mother into a tight hug. 

He would save her. He would. 

 

 

Needless to say, Merlin didn’t break up with Gwaine that weekend. Or the weekend after. In fact, the following months were once again dedicated  to attending his mother and trying to find a way to save her with his magic. Hunith went through several surgeries, but the cancer kept spreading, eventually making her so weak that she was tied to her hospital bed, not strong enough to go home, or even walk to the cafeteria. It hurt Merlin to see her like that, and he found a few spells that did help - after she had finally allowed him to actually use them on her - but he didn’t find any that made the cancer cells go away. Hunith had metastases in her brain, and her lungs, and Merlin knew, deep down, that she wouldn’t be able to hang on much longer. The doctors weren’t positive anymore, and Merlin started to spend his nights trying to find something,  _ anything _ , to help her. 

Arthur came back from New York when things got worse, and he helped Merlin as much as he could. He looked like a zombie, and Merlin could only assume that he looked even worse himself. 

“Oh, fuck this!” Merlin cursed one night and threw a book through Gaius’ shop, knocking several others from the shelf. “There has to be  _ something _ I can do, for fuck’s sake! What’s my magic worth if I can’t save her?” 

Arthur sighed and came over to squeeze his shoulder in a comforting gesture. 

“Merlin. I think this is exactly why Hunith didn’t want you to look for a cure. You’re working yourself up over something you have no influence on.”

Merlin shook his head and turned his head up to meet Arthur’s eyes. 

“I can’t let her die, Arthur.” 

Arthur nodded. “I know.” 

Things went downhill rapidly after that. The metastases in Hunith’s brain started affecting her, and she started hallucinating. It was hard talking to her; most days she seemed too confused and disoriented. 

Merlin had stopped looking for a cure. He hadn’t wanted to stop, but the people around him had held some kind of intervention, and he had stopped, for their sakes, for his own, and most of all for Hunith’s sake. It was hard, seeing her like this. It hurt Merlin’s soul, and he wanted to help her so badly, but he couldn’t. He was powerless against the cancer cells eating away at her. 

The only relief was that he was still able to help her with the pain. His magic could keep her warm and painless, if nothing else. 

Merlin spent New Year’s Eve at her side that year, holding her hand and listening to her talking like she was still pregnant with him; like it was more than 26 years earlier. Maybe it was all memories; things she’d actually said all those years ago. Or maybe she was just fantasizing. Merlin couldn’t be sure what her brain was doing to her. 

But then, not long before midnight, she seemed to have a moment of clarity. 

“Oh, Merlin, my boy,” she said softly, squeezing his hand with all the strength she had left. “My wonderful boy. I am so proud of you.” 

Merlin’s eyes were brimming with tears as he met her eyes. “Mum!” 

“Don’t cry, Merlin. It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“But--”

“Shhh. I need you to know that I am so grateful for everything you’ve done for me, my boy. I am so incredibly proud of you and your daughter. Anna is an amazing young girl and I love her very much. Will you tell her that? Her grandma loves her very much. And she always will.”   
Merlin couldn’t help crying then, because it felt so much like a goodbye. 

“Tell Arthur, too. He was always like a second son to me, and I love him like my own. He’s come such a long way, and I am proud of him. Let him know that, will you?” 

He nodded. Hunith smiled weakly. 

“I always thought I’d see you two end up together. My two boys. But you never worked it out, did you? Not in my lifetime. You should tell him, though, Merlin. I know you still love him. And I know he loves you, too.”

“I do. God, I do. I’m sorry, Mum.”

“Don’t be. I just want you to be happy, and I always thought that you and Arthur could be very happy together. You’ve known each other for 20 years, and you’re still close. That’s a gift, Merlin, and not many people are lucky enough to have a person like that in their lives. You’re like two sides of the same coin.” 

Merlin smiled weakly and reached up to wipe the tears from his cheeks. 

“That’s what Kilgharrah always says.” 

“And he’s right. He’s always been right.” 

There was a moment of silence, and Merlin had an idea. He pulled out his phone. 

“Mum, would you… would you like to talk to them yourself? See them, even? I could call them via Facetime.” 

Hunith broke into a broad smile. “Of course, honey! That would be brilliant.” 

Merlin smiled back. “All right, then.” 

They called Anna and Freya first, and Merlin tried not to cry, for his daughter’s sake. Anna was so happy to talk to her grandma, after weeks of not being able to, not properly at least. Merlin knew he’d have to bring her news that would make her cry soon enough, and there was no need to do so before it was necessary. 

Arthur was next. He’d been with them until the week before Christmas, when his father had demanded his presence in New York. Arthur had told him that Uther had once again tried to get Arthur to go back to working for his company, but Arthur had refused and their family Christmas had pretty much consisted of angry glares and shouting. Arthur had been in a very bad mood when he’d called him on the 27th and it had taken Merlin hours to cheer him up over Skype. 

“Merlin! Did something happen?” Arthur was instantly alarmed, and Merlin couldn’t blame him, considering the state of his face. His eyes were red and puffy, and his hair was a mess that this point.

“No, no. Don’t worry, everything is fine.” 

Arthur sighed in relief. “You really scared me there, mate. You do know midnight is still 20 minutes away, though, right?”

“ _ Yes _ , Arthur. I’m calling because somebody wants to talk to you.” 

Merlin shifted his phone so Arthur could see Hunith as well. 

“Hunith!” 

She smiled happily at the screen. 

“Are you feeling better?” Arthur asked softly. 

“I’m so happy to see you, my boy.” Hunith chose not to reply to his question, and Merlin couldn’t blame her. She had a moment of clarity, but that didn’t mean that she was doing better. For all they knew, it could be the beginning of the end. 

“I’m sorry I had to leave. My father insisted. I can’t say that I don’t regret giving in, though,” Arthur told her. 

“Oh, I hate that your father is always giving you such a hard time. Could you at least enjoy Christmas a little?” 

“Well, it was nice to see Morgana.” 

“That’s good to hear. How’s your sister doing?” 

“She’s great. She took the opportunity to announce that she’s engaged, actually.” Merlin’s eyes widened in surprise. Arthur hadn’t mentioned Morgana much when they’d talked after Christmas. “His name is Leon. I’ve known him for a while and he’s a good guy. I’m very happy for her.” 

Hunith smiled. “Oh, that’s great news! Give her my best wishes, will you?” 

Arthur nodded. “Of course.”

There was a moment of silence, and Merlin could see that his mother was trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to say.

“I’m very proud of you, Arthur,” she said after a moment. “You’ve become a fine young man, and a much better one than your father.” 

Merlin watched Arthur struggling for words, but Hunith beat him to it when she continued, “I gave birth to Merlin 26 years ago, but for the past 20 years I had two sons. And I want you to know that I’ve always loved you like my own.” 

Arthur had tears in his eyes, and his voice cracked slightly when he started speaking.

“You’ve always been like a mother to me. The mother I never had. You made my childhood infinitely better and I will forever be grateful for that, Hunith.” 

Hunith smiled. “I love you, my boy, don’t you ever forget that.” 

Arthur bit his lip. It was obvious that he was trying to hold back his tears. “I love you, too.” 

Merlin couldn’t blame him at all, because he was on the verge of crying again himself. This was goodbye. He had a feeling that Hunith knew it; that she knew deep inside that she didn’t have much time left.

She looked from Merlin to Arthur, a soft smile gracing her lips.

“My boys. I do hope you’ll stop dancing around each other and the truth, like you do, one day. I’d have loved to see it myself, but… I’ll just be happy knowing that you’ll try. Both of you.” 

Merlin felt himself blushing slightly, and he met Arthur’s eyes, too curious to see what he’d find there. Arthur knew. He knew what Hunith was talking about, and there was… hope? Longing? Merlin wasn’t sure what it was. If Arthur really felt as he did, then there would be nothing left to hold them back, and that, beyond everything else, was somehow too terrifying for Merlin to consider in that moment, so he averted his eyes and swallowed hard. 

He felt his mother squeezing his hand and suddenly it was hard to breathe. He let the tears fall this time, and they began the new year hugging and crying, and not trying to think about what was certain to come. 

This was goodbye. 


	14. The One with the Broken Nose

The day of Hunith’s funeral felt like the worst day of Merlin’s life. He felt empty without her, ever since she’d died holding his hand. It wasn’t fair that she had to die so young. She’d never gotten the chance to grow old, and do all the things she’d still wanted to do in her life. It was the lost opportunities, the lost life, that Merlin knew would haunt him forever. His mother hadn’t deserved this, and he hadn’t been able to stop it. He had this supernatural gift, this power that was supposed to be good for something and yet… yet it hadn’t been able to save her life.

But it wasn’t just his own grief, and his own guilt Merlin struggled with, it was also Anna’s. His daughter was devastated, and she didn’t understand why her grandma had to go and why her Dad and her couldn’t save her with magic. Anna wanted her back just as much as he did, and no matter how much Merlin tried, he couldn’t make it better. Her tears broke his heart, and not knowing what he could do to make them go away was the worst feeling in the world.

Both their grief combined felt like a weight on Merlin’s shoulder that he could barely carry. It was crushing, and there were moments when it was hard to breathe, hard to go on and be strong. Freya did as much as she could to help, but she couldn’t take the grief away, and she couldn’t soothe the pain.

Gwaine, on the other hand, had chosen to get drunk to drown out any emotions, and spent the entire funeral staggering and slurring when someone asked him something. He wasn’t any help at all, and Merlin suspected that it was more than just his mother’s death causing his bad behavior. Gwaine had always been there for him, but now that Merlin needed him most, he wasn’t. And there was a part of him that couldn’t blame him, because Merlin hadn’t been in it with all his heart for a long time, and there was no way Gwaine hadn’t noticed.

Even worse than that, though, was the absence of another person. Arthur’s flight had been delayed, and half-way through the funeral he still hadn’t arrived. Merlin _needed_ him, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there, and Merlin was so angry at the universe for doing this to him, all of it.

The funeral was over when Arthur finally arrived, and Merlin was standing at his mother’s grave, alone, and cold, and miserable. It had started raining, and at this point he was soaked as well.  

They stood together in silence for a while, and Merlin watched him placing a small teddy bear with a note on Hunith’s grave. He bit his lip, trying so hard not to cry again.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be here sooner, Merlin, I really am. I tried everything, but…”

Merlin shook his head. “I know. It’s okay.”

Arthur regarded him for a moment. “Are _you_?” he asked softly.

Merlin shrugged and buried his hands deep in the pockets of his trousers.

“I will be.”

Arthur stepped closer and before Merlin knew it, he had pulled him into a tight hug. Merlin sighed involuntarily and felt himself relax a little, for the first time in days. He buried his face in his neck and took a deep, soothing breath as his arms came around Arthur’s waist. He held on for dear life, and frankly, he didn’t feel like ever letting go again. Arthur’s arms had always felt like where he belonged, then more than ever before.

“It’s okay. We’ll get through this, Merlin,” Arthur whispered, and Merlin believed him.

 

The moment was abruptly disrupted by Gwaine’s voice, shouting way too loudly over the cemetery. “Oi! Hands off!”

Merlin rolled his eyes as he pulled away from Arthur, and Arthur frowned, eyes narrowing.

“He’s _my_ husband, and it seems to me that this is a fact you love to forget,” Gwaine slurred when he came closer.

“Are you drunk?” Arthur asked incredulously.

“He is,” Merlin murmured. “He started drinking at 8 this morning.”

“I am sober enough to see what’s going on here,” Gwaine told Arthur, stepping closer and poking his chest. “You want Merlin for yourself, but I’m telling you, you can’t have him.”

Arthur snorted and shoved him away. “Go home, Gwaine. This day’s been hard enough on everyone already.”

Gwaine gritted his teeth. “How would _you_ know? It’s not like you’ve been here, is it?”

Arthur narrowed his eyes at him and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“Alright, that’s enough. If you love Merlin, and I know you do, you will go home now and not make this harder on him than it already is. Go and sleep it off. You can talk to him again when you’re sober.”

Gwaine took another step forward, his teeth gritted and his fists clenched. Merlin knew what was about to happen, and without thinking he stepped between the two men, just as Gwaine hauled off. The punch came, hard and mercilessly, and Merlin groaned as he heard his nose crack. Pain shot through him, but Merlin decided to ignore it for the moment; he reached up to touch his nose, not surprised when his hand came back bloody. Gwaine hadn’t held back when he’d tried to punch Arthur. Merlin was still glad that he’d avoided Arthur getting hit, though, just like he’d always been. He’d always rather taken a punch himself than seeing Arthur getting hurt. It was just the way it was.

“Merlin!” Arthur was standing in front of him in a heartbeat, inspecting the damage.

Gwaine was just staring, shell-shocked. Merlin knew he hadn’t meant to punch him. Gwaine wasn’t necessarily prone to violence, but he was ready to use it when his feelings were hurt, and when he was devastated and desperate, just as he was now. He loved Merlin, though, and he’d never hurt him voluntarily. Arthur, _yes_ , but never Merlin.

And Merlin knew all of that, but he was still furious, the pain in his face fueling his anger.

“Oh… fuck, Merlin, I didn’t mean to…”

“Yeah, you meant to hit Arthur, I know that.”

“Fuck. Merlin, please, I’m _sorry._ ”

Merlin shook his head. “Just… just go home, please, will you?”

“Merlin--”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now. In fact, I should probably go and see a doctor. And you should go home and sleep it off, like Arthur said,” Merlin told him through gritted teeth.

Gwaine nodded, and it was obvious how bad he felt about the whole thing.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, before walking away like a kicked puppy. Merlin glared after him; he’d been a very bad puppy after all.

Merlin sighed, and groaned when it hurt his nose. “Fuck.”

Arthur took his hand and started dragging him away from the grave. “Come on, I’m taking you to the hospital.”

 

 

“So… I assume he didn’t hit you before today,” Arthur asked when they were sitting in the A&E, waiting for a doctor to be free to look at Merlin’s nose.

“Of course not. Gwaine’s not… he’s not a bad guy, and he never was. You know just as well as me that I wasn’t the one he intended to punch in the face.”

“I just don’t get what I ever did to him. Or why he decided that it was a good idea to get pissed before attending his mother-in-law’s funeral.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow. “Really? You really don’t know?”

“Well…”

“He’s jealous, you dolt. I wanted to end our marriage ages ago, but every time I try, something happens. That didn’t make our relationship any better, though. He notices, Arthur. I think he knows that I’m not in it with all my heart, and that’s why he got drunk. He thinks you and I--” He shook his head. “Nevermind.”

Arthur was just looking at him for a moment, like he was considering something, his eyes soft and so unfairly blue. He looked like he was about to say something, when one of the nurses beat him to it and called Merlin’s name.

Arthur cleared his throat. “Well then… let’s get your face fixed.”

“Oi! It’s just my nose that needs fixing!” Merlin feigned outrage.

Arthur grinned smugly. “You sure?”

It took every bit of inner strength Merlin had not to hit him in the middle of A&E.

 

 

Gwaine was fast asleep when they arrived back at their flat. Merlin had sent Freya and Anna home right after the funeral; mainly because he’d wanted to make sure that Anna didn’t see any more of his tears. Freya told them that Gwaine had stumbled into the living room not long after they had arrived home, obviously drunk and upset, and she’d made sure that he drank some water before she ordered him to go to bed.

“I can’t believe he punched you! You look awful!” Freya commented further, inspecting the bandage over Merlin’s nose.

“Well, to be fair, he just hit me by accident.”

Freya raised an eyebrow. “By accident?”

“ _I_ was his target, actually,” Arthur said, jaw clenched. Merlin could tell that he was still angry at Gwaine.

“Ah, I see,” Freya said, as if that explained everything. “Merlin stepped in and took the blow. Gwaine really should’ve seen that coming, though. He’s known you long enough.”

Merlin gave her a look. “What do you mean?”

Freya snorted. “As if you’d ever let someone else punch Arthur. He should be glad you didn’t use your magic against him.”

Merlin shrugged, a grin tugging at his lips. “It’s not like I know any bad spells anyway. Crucio and Avada Kedavra aren’t actually a thing, you know?”

“I’m sure you could turn him into a mouse, though, or a turtle-- could you?”

Merlin chuckled at that. He knew Freya was trying to cheer him up, and he was grateful for it. “Yeah, I could probably do that.”

“Wait. _You could_?” Arthur asked incredulously, voice slightly going up at the end.

Merlin gave him a fond (and just a tiny bit smug) smile.

“Yeah. Do you want me to show you?”

“God no.” He shook his head with a horrified expression on his face. “When the hell did you learn how to do that? You never could before.”

Merlin shrugged. “Well, I’ve been studying a lot. Anna could do it, too, if I taught her the spell. We all agreed that it’d be way too dangerous to teach a 7-year-old transformation spells, though.”

Arthur nodded, trying to look serious. “Probably a wise decision.”

Anna chose that moment to join them in the kitchen.

“Daddy!” A horrified expression crossed the girl’s face when she saw Merlin. “What happened to you? Are you okay?”

She threw her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.

“I’m fine, honey. I just… fell, and wasn’t fast enough to catch myself.”

“I can heal you!” Anna told him when she pulled away again. She had a confident little smile plastered on her face.

Merlin sighed. “Healing a broken nose is… quite complicated, sweetheart. I think we have to train that spell for a while longer until you can use it.”

“So you heal it yourself! You know the spell!” Anna demanded, hands on her hips.

Merlin scratched the back of his head.

“Wait, you can do _that_ , too, now? Why did I even take you to the hospital then?” Arthur asked,  imitating Anna’s pose.

“Uh… well. I do know the spell and I can use it, but… I’m actually pretty rubbish at healing myself. It never ends well.”

Freya scrunched up her nose. “Oh, yeah. Like that one time you wanted to heal a tiny cut on your finger and ended up bleeding all over the table instead.”

Merlin made a face. “Oi!”

“It’s true.”

“I keep healing your little aches and pains, though, and nothing bad’s ever happened. It’s not like I’m a complete loser.”

Anna patted his arm. “We know you’re not, Daddy.”

Arthur snorted. “You sure?”

Merlin rolled his eyes at Arthur and gave his daughter a soft look. “Thanks, sweetheart. Either way, I’m not going to try healing my nose. It’ll heal by itself, or maybe one of my more experienced customers will be so kind, but neither me nor you--” He pointed at the little girl. “-- are going to try. Understood?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

Merlin sighed. “All right, then.”

 

 

Gwaine came down after dinner, looking absolutely terrible. He had bags under his red eyes, his hair was a mess, and he looked like he could definitely use a shower. His right hand was loosely bandaged, and he was only wearing one of Merlin’s oversized flannel pyjama bottoms.  

Merlin, Arthur, Freya and Anna were watching a movie in the living room, all looking up when he entered the room and groaned.

“Merlin…” he said, voice low and husky. His eyes were wide when they met Merlin’s. “Can we talk?”

Merlin took a deep breath. It hurt, and he winced, hand automatically coming up to touch his bandaged nose. Gwaine averted his eyes, probably ashamed by the damage he’d caused.

“We will talk,” Merlin told him. “But not now.”

Gwaine nodded, and once again he looked like a kicked puppy. Merlin wanted to hug him, and tell him that he’s forgiven, but that wouldn’t be quite true yet. He needed some time to get over his husband’s behaviour, and the fact that it had caused Merlin to end up in A&E on the day of his mother’s funeral.

Merlin could’ve sworn he heard Kilgharrah giggle happily on his bed in the corner of the room.

“Just give me some time,” Merlin added, and Gwaine turned and headed to the kitchen, probably to get some water. Arthur was squeezing his hand, and Merlin felt himself relaxing a little.

“He looks terrible,” Freya commented quietly, making sure that Gwaine couldn’t hear her. “I think he’s really sorry.”

Merlin sighed and closed his eyes as he rested his head on the back of the couch. “I know he is, but… I just can’t deal with this right now. Today’s been hell on earth.”

“Did you and Gwaine have a fight, Daddy?” Anna asked, concern audible in her voice.

“We did. But it’s going to be fine, sweetheart.”

“Oh. I’m sorry you had a fight. I hate fights. They’re so... _exhausting_. Last week I had a fight with Daniel and I didn’t like it at all,” Anna told them and Merlin opened his eyes to look at her.

“You had a fight with Daniel? Why didn’t you tell me?”

His daughter shrugged. “I didn’t want to upset you even more.”

“Oh, sweetheart. Come here.” Merlin opened his arms and Anna stood up from the place on the couch between Arthur and Freya to climb onto her father’s lap.

Merlin hugged her tightly and caressed her hair soothingly.

“You could never upset me, honey. Never worry about that.”

Anna nodded and buried her head in his neck.

“Did you and Daniel make up?” Merlin asked, arms caringly wrapped around his daughter.

“Yes. I couldn’t stay mad at him. I love him too much,” the little girl said and Merlin felt something warm blossoming in his chest. He loved watching Anna with her best friend. The two reminded him so much of himself and Arthur. Merlin wondered if Daniel really was Anna’s Arthur; Kilgharrah had promised another side to her coin after all.

He turned to look at Arthur. He was smiling back at him, and there was something in his eyes that made Merlin think that he’d thought the same thing, that he too had noticed how similar Anna’s relationship with her best friend was to theirs.

“Yeah,” he said with a smile. “I know what that feels like.”

Merlin still felt sick every time he thought about the big fight he’d had with Arthur a few years back. That year without him had been the worst of his life, and he had no desire to ever repeat it.

 

 

“You must not ignore the signs, young warlock,” Kilgharrah said as he jumped onto the worktop, making Merlin jump and almost drop the cup of tea he’d just picked up.

“Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack! A little warning would’ve been nice.”

As usual, the cat decided to ignore him and continue his lecture instead.

“Sir Gwaine is not the person you must focus on. Arthur is--”

“The Once and Future King, I know.” Merlin sighed, put the tea down and picked up the orange tabby instead. He held him firmly against his chest, unaffected by his struggle for freedom. Kilgharrah only let Freya pick him up, and sometimes Anna, but no one else was ever allowed to carry him around and pet him. However, Merlin loved to do it anyway, just to annoy him. He didn’t even mind the scratches as long as he got the satisfaction of angering the alleged former dragon.

“You do realize that there is no need for your lectures anymore though, right?” Merlin asked and ruffled Kilgharrah’s fur behind his ears. He closed his eyes and - was that purring? Did Kilgharrah really purr under Merlin’s hands?

Merlin chuckled. “Wait, are you actually purring right now?”

The cat’s eyes flew open and he stopped vibrating instantly.

“I most certainly did not.”

Merlin was sure that if cat’s could blush, Kilgharrah would’ve been red like a cherry in that moment, especially when he struggled to free one of his legs to scratch Merlin’s arm.

“Yeah, you did.”

“Did not.” If cats could pout..., Merlin thought, chuckling at the image of a pouting cat forming in his head.

“Did too.”

Kilgharrah struggled against Merlin’s firm hold, clearly irritated by the turn his new attempt of lecturing Merlin had taken. It was only when he stopped struggling and glared up at him that Merlin let him down.

“So are you finally going to end this mockery of a marriage?” the cat asked when he was done glaring. Merlin leaned back against the kitchen counter and sipped his tea, watching Kilgharrah out of the corner of his eye. He was surprised by the unusually direct question. The former dragon loved to speak in riddles, especially when he tried to give Merlin advice about his destiny. Merlin sighed.

“I already tried. Months ago. But then Mum got sick again… and I couldn’t. Give me some time, all right? Getting a divorce is a big deal, and I’m just not ready to deal with it. Not _days_ after Mum died.”

Kilgharrah looked up at him from his new place on the worktop. “Destiny will find its way, young warlock. In time, it will find its way.”

“Will it?” Merlin took another sip of his tea.

“Always. You _are_ here now, after all.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It is for your best that you do not remember yet, young warlock. There is a reason why you decided that you do not want to remember the past.”

Merlin frowned. “I _decided_?”

“That you did. Many years ago.”

“Wait, is this about the Arthurian legends again? That I am actually _Merlin_ Merlin? And that Arthur used to be _the_ _King_ Arthur?”

“You _are_ Merlin. _Emrys_ , to be precise. Use that flat magical screen of yours to find out what Emrys means.”

“It’s my last name. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Pendragon is not a very common name these days either, would you not say, young warlock?”

It occurred to Merlin that Kilgharrah had tried to tell him all these things many times before. But as soon as the cat had started talking about the old sorcerer Merlin, the guy his mother named him after, and King Arthur, Merlin had stopped listening. He’d heard what Kilgharrah said, but he had never truly been listening. Something was different now; something made him listen for the first time, and it made him think. Maybe it was all the new knowledge about magic he had now; maybe it was the sheer absurdity of it all, and how it still made sense somehow.

Sighing deeply and resigning himself to his fate, Merlin strode over to the kitchen table, where he sat down and reached for his iPad.

He typed his last name in first, wondering why he’d never thought of googling it before. It _was_ special, and it _was_ uncommon. So why had he never wondered about its meaning before?

“There it is,” he murmured more to himself than anything else. “ _Emrys_. Welsh form of Ambrose. Emrys is a name that was frequently used by the 6th-century chronicler Geoffrey of Monmouth in his tales of Merlin.”  

Merlin frowned. “What?”

That seemed a bit too strange to be a mere coincidence. He shook his head. Maybe his mother had simply known where the name _Emrys_ originated.

“Ambrose. From the Late Latin name Ambrosius, which was derived from the Greek name Ambrosios, meaning “immortal”,” Merlin read further and swallowed.

Kilgharrah gave him a knowing look.

“Oh, stop looking so smug. This doesn’t prove anything.”

“What about the young King’s name?”

Sighing, Merlin typed in Arthur’s last name. It was strange. Merlin had always been interested in Arthurian legends, in a way, from the things he heard about it through the movies he’d seen and the stories he’d heard, but he’d never bothered to actually study them in detail, even though it would make so much sense, given the fact that he was called Merlin, and that his best friend’s name was Arthur. Suddenly Merlin could only wonder why he’d never bothered before.

“Pendragon. The surname of Kings Arthur and Uther, meaning ‘head dragon’ or “dragon’s ‘head.’” _Uther_ ? King Arthur’s father had been _Uther Pendragon_?

How on earth was it possible that he’d never heard of that before?

Merlin put the iPad down and stared at Kilgharrah. “You have got to be kidding me!”

“I have been trying to tell you for years, but you refused to listen.”

“You really have, haven’t you?” Merlin sighed. “So what is this? Have we been reborn, or…? Did I somehow magic us here? Are we supposed to be living in the middle ages?”

“I am afraid I cannot tell you that.”

“Why not?”

“Because you told me not to.”

“And now I’m telling you to tell me!”

Kilgharrah laughed. “I am afraid I have to heed the old you’s wishes more than yours.”

“Then why tell me any of this is the first place?!?”

“I did not tell you anything. I merely gave you hints that pushed you in the right direction. You were not taking your destiny seriously enough. You left me no choice, young warlock.”

Merlin groaned and leaned down until his forehead met the cold surface of the table. His nose hurt, but he decided to ignore it.

“What _is_ my destiny, then? What are we supposed to do? I can’t very well make Arthur king again, now can I?”

There was no answer. When Merlin looked up again, Kilgharrah was gone.

 

 

Merlin needed a long time to fall asleep that night. He was staying up longer than everyone else, and when he decided to go to sleep and stop thinking about destinies and reincarnations, he realized that he really didn’t feel like sharing a bed with Gwaine that night, so he flopped down onto the couch and pulled up one of Freya’s self-made wool blankets. It was comfortable enough, and Merlin wished he could just fall asleep and escape his own thoughts. His day had been a nightmare; the funeral, the fight with Gwaine, his broken nose, the realization that it was much more likely than he’d thought that he really was the Merlin from the legends, and that Arthur had been _King_ Arthur in a previous life. It had been too much for one day, and Merlin was exhausted, his brain humming, trying hard to process everything.

More than anything, Merlin wished he could talk to Hunith. She’d always had a sympathetic ear, and Merlin just wanted to tell her about what happened with Gwaine, and what information Kilgharrah had pushed him upon. The thought that he could never talk to her again, that she was gone and would never come back made his throat feel tight and his eyes sting. It wasn’t fair. How was he supposed to handle his life without her? How was he supposed to deal with the strange things he’d discovered?

It was ridiculous. How could he be _the_ Merlin? He was only 26 years old, and yes, he had magic, but he wasn’t nearly as good as many of the sorcerers that came into the bookshop every day. He was getting better every day, he could feel it, and _ye_ t. And yet it always felt like something was missing. Like he could never be as good as he needed to be.

Merlin was tossing and turning on the couch for at least an hour, until someone walked into the living room and switched on the light. He squinted against the sudden brightness and sat up to see who it was. A part of him hoped it wasn’t Gwaine; the day had been stressful enough already, and he didn’t want to fight over sleeping arrangements on top of it all.

“Merlin?” It was Arthur. Thank god.

“Ugh, Arthur, what are you doing? I’m trying to sleep!” Merlin complained, eyes slowly adjusting to the light.

“On the _couch_?”

“Yes, on the couch. I wasn’t quite in the mood for cuddling with my husband tonight.”

Arthur sighed.

“Fair enough.” He shook his head and walked over to sit down on the couch next to Merlin. “I couldn’t sleep either,” he told him.

Merlin said nothing. He just leaned back and stared up at the ceiling.

“Crazy day, huh?” Arthur tried to sound light, but there was an edge in his voice that he couldn’t hide.

Merlin hummed, “Hmm…”

He was glad that Arthur was there, but he didn’t know what to tell him. He hated the feeling, because it didn’t happen very often. Merlin could tell Arthur everything, but most of the things that were currently going through his head were either too sensitive or too complicated to just be blurted out in the middle of the night.

“What’s wrong?”

Merlin knew there was no point in lying to Arthur. Arthur had always been able to detect when something was bothering Merlin, at least ever since they’d left all of the teenage awkwardness behind them.

“Well… did you know that King Arthur’s father was called Uther Pendragon?”

Arthur stared at him for a moment, before he burst into laughter.

“Um, yeah, actually,” he told him. “My father was named after King Uther. Apparently my grandparents were huge fans of the Arthurian legends. Well, the fact that their last name was ‘Pendragon’ probably had a lot to do with it. And then my father named me Arthur, because apparently that is his kind of humour. Weird that we never talked about this before, isn’t it?”

Merlin nodded slowly. “Yeah, it is.”

“That’s what was bothering you? How did you even think of this all of a sudden?”

“Kilgharrah told me earlier. Well, he pushed me in the right direction. Did you also know that _the_ Merlin was also called Emrys, which is originally Welsh for ‘immortal’?”

Arthur’s eyes widened. “Really? Well… that _is_ … strange.”

“A tad too many coincidences for my taste. Also the fact that I have magic… What if this isn’t our first time around, Arthur? What if those people from the legends are actually, well, us?”

Arthur laughed, but it sounded strangely hollow. “Oh, come on, Merlin. That’s ridiculous!”

Merlin gave him a stern look. “Wasn’t your ex called _Lancelot_? Bit of a strange name to give a child these days, isn’t it? Wasn’t he a knight of the round table?”

“He… _was_ , actually. We even talked about what a funny coincidence it was… since his parents were also fans of the Arthurian legends.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow. “Oh, _really_?”

There was a long pause, before Arthur ran a hand through his thick blond hair.

“Fuck! You really think…?”

“I kind of do, yeah.”

Arthur bit his lip and shook his head. He seemed to think about it for a moment, before saying, “Well... it doesn’t change anything, though, does it? We are here now, and we don’t remember anything else. Our life doesn’t change just because we might have been here before. Right?”

Merlin thought about it for a moment. Arthur was right. The fact that he might be _the_ Merlin, or used to be _the_ Merlin in another life, didn’t change anything about his current life. He’d been born at the end of the 20th century, there was even a video proving that, and he was a citizen of the 21st century now, suspecting but not knowing for sure that he’d been on the very same earth before, as someone entirely else. Merlin had no memory of a previous life, and if Kilgharrah was to be believed, that had been his very own decision. For some reason his old self had decided that he didn’t want to remember, and who was Merlin to question that decision?

Arthur was right. It didn’t matter what had been before. Everything that mattered was the present, and the future.

“You know what? You’re right. It doesn’t matter. If we were supposed to remember, we would. But we don’t, and this is our life now. It doesn’t matter.”

Arthur reached for Merlin’s hand and squeezed it gently, a soft smile gracing his lips.

“If we really are reborn or something - although, I’ll tell you Merlin, I do have trouble believing that - but if we _are_ , then I’m glad I found you again in this life,” he said and Merlin felt his heart leap in his chest. He returned Arthur’s smile and laced their fingers together.

“Yeah, me too.”

There was a pause, heavy with emotion, until Merlin started chuckling softly. “You really have trouble believing that?”

Merlin snapped his fingers and the colour of Arthur’s t-shirt changed from blue to red.

He waggled his eyebrows. “ _Really_?”

Arthur sighed. “Alright, I guess it’s not out of the range of possibilities.”

Merlin smiled, pleased that he’d convinced the stubborn git. He knew first hand how much trouble it could be to convince Arthur of something he didn’t want to believe in.

But Merlin wanted to know more. It didn’t matter if they’d been alive before, but for Merlin it was important to find out _why_ , especially in regards to his magic. Who was he? Where did he come from? Why did he of all people have magic? It didn’t change anything, not really, but Merlin needed to know anyway. He’d always needed to know more about his magic, and his alleged past life might hold the answers he needed.

“I guess… I guess the possibility bothers me so much because it could be the clue I’ve always been looking for.”

“In regard to your magic?”

“Yeah…”

Arthur nodded, understanding, just as he’d been from the moment Merlin had shown him his powers, so many years ago.

“Well… I suppose we’d have to remember to find out.”

And that was what Merlin was afraid of. On one hand, he was afraid that he’d never remember, and never find out why he had magic, and why he always felt like something was missing, but on the other hand, Merlin was afraid of remembering.

He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to remember.


	15. The One with the Letter

Arthur stayed for another week, and Merlin was thankful for it. He was still avoiding Gwaine, and Gwaine seemed to be trying to drown his sorrow in alcohol. He staggered home drunk almost every night of the whole week, and Merlin was starting to get increasingly worried. Gwaine had never said no to a drink, but it was getting out of hand and Merlin knew he needed to talk to him. Putting it off any longer wouldn’t help either of them. He only needed to catch him sober, which seemed to be a lot more difficult than it should be. But Gwaine seemed to spend most of his free time drinking, and every time Merlin tried to start a conversation he was already well pissed. 

Having Arthur around helped. He was anchoring Merlin, and with his help, as well as Freya’s, he slowly found a sense of normalcy back, away from all the emotional stress and sadness. 

A week after the funeral Merlin drove Arthur to the airport, and somehow it felt an awful lot like the first time he’d driven him there, so many years ago. Merlin didn’t want him to leave; he wasn’t sure if he could pull through on his own. He was still getting sad at random moments, especially at night, and he had a feeling that that was something that would never go away completely. Maybe it would get less frequent, but he’d miss his mother every day for the rest of his life, and nothing could truly make that go away. 

The fact that he had to deal with Gwaine and the wreckage that was their marriage as well didn’t make it any better at all. 

“Come on, stop looking at me like that. You know I don’t want to go,” Arthur said when he was about to leave through security control. 

“I’m not looking at you like anything. I’m just…  _ looking _ . Completely neutral.” Merlin put on a fake grin and Arthur shook his head. 

“Now that’s just awful.” 

Merlin shoved him, the fake grin slowly turning into a real one. 

“ _ You’re _ awful.” 

Arthur gave him a crooked smile. “If you say so.” 

Merlin chuckled quietly, before shaking his head and smiling sadly.

“I’m going to miss you, clotpole.” 

“Yeah… me, too.” Arthur looked at him for a moment, a wry smile gracing his lips. “Is it just me, or does this feel an awful lot like a dejá vu? I almost feel like I’m eighteen again.”

“It’s not just you. I dropped you off at the airport so many times in the past eight years, but somehow it feels different this time. A lot like the first time.” 

Arthur nodded. 

“Well… it does feel a bit like a new beginning again. Perhaps that’s why.” 

“Perhaps.” 

They looked at each other for a few more moments, before Arthur stepped forward and pulled Merlin into a hug. 

“See you soon, yeah?” he said, voice low and soft.

Merlin breathed in his familiar scent, one last time, before he pulled back and gave him a smile. 

“See you soon.” 

It  _ did _ feel so much like their first goodbye. And just like the first time, Merlin wanted to kiss Arthur more than anything. It’d been years since their last kiss, and Merlin missed it. He missed something he never really had, and in that moment it hurt more than it had in a very long time. 

Arthur turned and started walking towards security controls, but he didn’t get far before he laughed loudly, almost hysterically, turned back and all but ran back to Merlin. 

“Let’s go the whole hog, then.” 

He cupped his face in his hands and pressed a lingering kiss to the corner of Merlin’s mouth. Arthur grinned happily when he pulled away, and Merlin smiled in return, an exhilarated laugh escaping his lips when Arthur moved away from him, walking backwards to security controls until he reached the queue and had to turn around before he bumped into someone. 

Merlin stayed put and watched until he lost sight of him, and he reached up to touch the spot where Arthur had kissed him with his fingertips, wondering,  _ wishing _ . 

 

 

Merlin started another attempt of talking to Gwaine when he got home from the airport that day, but gave up as soon as he spotted him drinking vodka directly out of the bottle on the couch in the living room of their shared flat. 

Suddenly furious beyond reason, Merlin pried the bottle out of Gwaine’s hands and took it to the kitchen where he emptied it into the sink. Gwaine was complaining loudly behind him, but Merlin was not impressed in the slightest. 

“What do you think you’re doing? It’s the middle of the day and you’re living with a 7-year-old! Have you lost your mind?” Merlin shouted. 

“Well, your-- you’re the one who’wdn’t taaaalk to me,” Gwaine slurred and swayed a little in the doorway. 

“I’m trying to! But you’ve been constantly  _ pissed _ for a whole week! I won’t talk to a drunk who can’t stay sober for five minutes anymore!” 

Gwaine tried to straighten himself, but failed miserably. “‘m not a drunk!” 

Merlin sighed and flopped down onto one of the chairs at the kitchen table. 

“Look, Gwaine, I just want to help you. We’ll talk when you’re sober.” 

Unfortunately, it took Merlin weeks to finally catch him sober. 

It was a Monday morning in March when he finally got a chance to talk to him. Merlin wasn’t really surprised to find the spot next to him in bed empty, but when he got up he tripped over a body on his way to the bathroom. Gwaine was lying passed out on the floor of their bedroom, snoring like a bear. 

Merlin cursed under his breath and kicked his husband in the shin. 

“Wake up, you pillock!” 

Gwaine groaned and turned, squinting against the sun coming in through the window. 

“Huh?” 

“Wake up! When did you get home last night?” Merlin scrunched up his nose when the smell of stale beer and sweat reached his nostrils. “Ugh, you stink!” 

Gwaine sat up and ran a hand through his hair. 

“I don’t remember.” He groaned again and rubbed his forehead. “Bloody hell, I feel like a truck ran me over.” 

Merlin snorted. “Does that surprise you? You’ve been constantly drunk for two months! In fact, I think this is the first time I’m talking to you while you’re sober since the funeral. You need help, Gwaine.” 

“Fuck!” Gwaine managed to get up on his feet and swayed a little when he stood. Merlin reached out to steady him. “Fucking fuck. I’m sorry, Merlin. I  _ am _ … I’m just… I can’t help it. Fuck. You’re right. I _ do _ need help. Merlin…”

Merlin sighed and dragged Gwaine out of the room and over to the bathroom. 

“I know. And I will help you. But first you need a shower.” 

Merlin locked the bathroom door behind them and helped Gwaine undress.

“You’re far too good for me,” Gwaine told him and Merlin felt cheap, because he knew it wasn’t true. He hadn’t been fair to Gwaine from the very beginning, and in a way he felt like he was to blame for his drinking problem. Gwaine wasn’t happy, and Merlin felt guilty because he knew that it was his fault. 

“Am I?” he asked weakly, guilt gnawing at him from the inside. If anything,  _ Gwaine  _ was too good for _ him _ . Merlin knew Gwaine loved him, and it wasn’t fair that he hadn’t let him go before. Their marriage was locked in stalemate, and it had been for a very long time.

“Yeah. Look at me, I’m a mess. You’re… you’re damn fucking wonderful, Merlin. Every man would be lucky to have you.” 

Merlin smiled weakly. “Even the hets?” 

“Even them.” Gwaine said it with so much conviction that Merlin had to bite his lip to keep himself from wincing visibly. 

“I’m not that great and you know it,” Merlin said. 

“Actually, I don’t. And I know for certain that the princess doesn’t either. We could ask Freya, I’m sure she wouldn’t agree either.” 

Merlin shook his head and tried his best not to think about Arthur now that Gwaine had mentioned him. Their situation was bad enough already, and Merlin needed to concentrate on his husband for once, and not his feelings for his best friend. 

Instead of answering, he shoved Gwaine into the shower and closed the slide door behind him. Then he turned around, took a deep breath and sat down on the toilet seat. 

“I know it’s not always easy, and I’ve been a mess lately, but I hope you know that I love you, Merlin. I bloody do.” 

Merlin bit his lip. “Yeah, I know.” Merlin did, and it was part of the problem. 

“You should come in here, too,” Gwaine said, and Merlin could hear the cheeky grin in his voice. He bit his lip again, and struggled for and excuse. Shower sex with Gwaine was probably the last thing on his mind, and the last thing he wanted to do in that moment. 

“I showered before I went to bed last night, so I’m good.”

Merlin heard Gwaine huff like it was the dumbest thing Merlin had ever said.

“All right, all right. I get it. I know you’re still mad at me, but there were times when make up sex worked quite well between us,” he told him and Merlin closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“I just-- I can’t do this right now. Just… clean yourself up, get dressed and let me help you get your life back together.”

Gwaine sighed. “Yes, Sir. Although I do have to add that sex is always a step in the right direction.”

Merlin decided to ignore that comment and leaned back against the wall, legs pulled up to his chest and his chin resting on his knees. More than anything, Merlin wished he’d be somewhere else. A step further down the line, someplace where he didn’t have to feel so bad and cheap for ruining his marriage, or for starting one that couldn’t end well in the first place.

 

 

Merlin took Gwaine to see a therapist, and then he made him go to rehab, where he’d hopefully get the help he needed in order to fight his new found addiction. Merlin couldn’t say that he knew much about alcoholism, and he didn’t want to play it down, but he didn’t want to deal with his worry and guilt either, so he decided not to talk about it at all, to anyone. Freya and Arthur kept trying to get him to talk, but Merlin refused every time. 

He started to focus more on the bookshop instead, and even convinced Gaius to order a new sign with a new name:  _ The Last Bookshop _ . Merlin thought it was funny, and Gaius agreed, so they decided to create a whole new concept for the shop. The following two weeks were filled with renovating, organizing and cleaning, with the help of just a little magic here and there. They had long days and lots of work, but Merlin was grateful for the distraction. 

“You look awful,” Freya told him one night. 

“Thanks.” 

“Honestly, Merlin, you need to take better care of yourself.”

Merlin sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Shaking his head he leaned back against the kitchen counter. 

“I don’t know how.” 

Freya hugged him, and Merlin let himself relax for a moment. He found comfort in her caring arms, more comfort than he’d received in weeks, if not months. 

“So let  _ me _ take care of you,” she said quietly and Merlin smiled softly. 

“I have no idea what I’d do without you, Frey.” 

“Well, fortunately you didn’t have to find out in the past eight years.” 

Merlin held onto Freya’s petite waist and rested his chin on her shoulder. 

“Eight years. Can you believe it’s been that long?” 

“Hardly. Our little girl is all grown up already.” Freya pulled back a little and gave Merlin a smile. Then her smile faded a little and she grimaced.  “And you still didn’t tell Arthur that you’re head over freaking heels for him.”  

Merlin bit his lip. A wave of pain and regret flushed through his chest. “I’m a moron. And a coward.” 

“You are not. Life just always seems to get in the way with you two.” 

“I don’t even know if he wants that… like, being with me,” Merlin murmured and winced when Freya punched his upper arm. 

“He  _ does _ . Trust me on this. Arthur  _ loves _ you, and it’s there for everyone to see.” 

“Well, it’s not like I can do anything about it right now, can I? I can’t leave Gwaine now, and I won’t go behind his back either.” 

Freya rubbed Merlin’s upper arms in a soothing motion. 

“And that makes you a really good person. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Merlin. Gwaine will be fine, he’s getting the help he needs now. And Arthur… well, you’ve waited 20 years, a few months more won’t hurt, right?” 

As it turned out, they  _ did _ hurt. 

Arthur started dating a girl named Gwen in June, and Merlin didn’t think much of it at first. By then he was used to listening to Arthur’s dating stories, and even when Arthur told him it went well, he didn’t pay it too much mind. But then Arthur went out with her again and again, and when she officially became Arthur’s girlfriend a few weeks later, Merlin had a little breakdown in the kitchen and needed Freya to pick up the pieces - literally as well as metaphorically. 

“Come on, Merlin. It’ll be fine. It’s not like they’re getting married. Gwaine will be back from rehab in a few months, and then you can tell him and you two idiots can finally ride into the sunset together,” she told him, sounding a bit like she was talking to an annoying, really stubborn little child, and Merlin smiled at her through his tears.

“Oi, when did you get so snarky?” 

“Since you came into my life and started frustrating me,” Freya said, but the fond smile on her face betrayed her. 

“Oi!” 

Merlin met Gwen for the first time in August, when he took Anna to New York to celebrate her and Arthur’s shared birthday. And as much as he’d like to say that she was awful and that he hated her, he couldn’t, because it would be a lie. Gwen was wonderful, and Merlin hit it off with her from the moment he met her. Yet he couldn’t help feeling bitter about the fact that she was with Arthur now and that they were disgustingly lovey-dovey with each other. 

It reminded Merlin a lot of the time in High School, when Arthur had dated Sophia, and then later Elena, even though he’d liked those girls considerably less than Gwen. It wasn’t fair and he hated feeling so bitter and envious about something he had no right to, so he tried to stay positive, for his daughter if nothing else. Arthur seemed to notice that something was bothering Merlin, but he chose not to comment on it and Merlin was grateful for it. Talking to Arthur about his jealousy towards his new girlfriend wasn’t exactly something that was on Merlin’s to-do List.

At the end, Merlin was just glad when he was back home where he didn’t have to feel like a pathetic bad person all the time. 

“So… do you like Gwen?” Merlin asked his daughter on their flight back to England. 

“She’s fine,” Anna said indifferently, “But she shouldn’t be with Uncle Arthur.  _ You _ should.” 

Merlin sighed. He’d known it was coming, but he’d asked anyway. 

“I know you love him. Don’t try to deny it, you’re a terrible liar, Daddy.” 

Merlin raised his hands in surrender. “All right, all right! I admit it. You’re right.” 

Anna turned in her seat and smiled broadly. 

“I knew it! When are you going to tell him?” 

“As soon as Gwaine is well again.” 

Anna squeaked a little and jumped up and down in her seat, earning them annoyed looks from some of the other passengers around them. 

“Don’t get too excited, sweetheart. I don’t even know if Uncle Arthur loves me back.” 

The little girl looked at him incredulously, before she burst into laughter and clutched at his arm, much like Freya did when she found something particularly hilarious. 

“Yeah right, Daddy. It’s a safe bet, then.” 

Merlin shook his head, but grinned with a mix of amusement and fondness bubbling in his chest. Everyone around him seemed to be so sure of Arthur’s feelings for him, even his 8-year-old daughter, so how could he not start believing them?

And once again he was baffled by his daughter’s maturity. Sometimes she talked like someone who was much older, like someone who didn’t need their favorite stuffed animal to fall asleep anymore. 

Merlin reached out and ruffled her dark hair. She had put it in a ponytail, all on her own, as she liked to inform everyone who asked, or didn’t ask. 

She glared up at him out of her blue eyes, the same colour as Merlin’s own, and pushed his hand anyway. “Oi, Daddy! You’re messing it all up!” 

Merlin chuckled fondly.

“I love you, sweetheart.” 

Anna’s glare turned into a soft smile. “I love you, too, Daddy.” 

 

 

Gwaine returned from rehab at the end of October, and it became instantly clear that it had truly made a difference. He was smiling again, that charming, cheeky smile of his, and he looked healthier than he had in months before he’d left to get help. 

Merlin was happy to have him back home, even though it meant that he would have to break his heart soon. He was too afraid to be the cause of a relapse, so he waited, and let Gwaine settle in again. He started going to regular meetings with other recovering alcoholics and Merlin watched him getting better every week, and starting to look happier, too. 

Christmas came and went, a new year began, and Merlin slowly started to feel safer and prepared for what needed to be done. However, it took him until the beginning of March to finally work up the courage to actually talk to Gwaine. 

He waited for him to get home from his meeting Friday night, anxiously pacing in the living room. Gwaine arrived a bit later than usual, and Merlin winced when he saw the happy smile on his face. 

“Are the girls out?” he asked as he looked around and Merlin nodded. Freya had taken Anna out to see a movie at the cinema to give them some space. 

“That’s actually a fortunate coincidence, because I need to talk to you,” Gwaine told him and Merlin frowned in surprise. That wasn’t exactly how he’d planned their conversation to go. 

“Oh. Okay?” he just said and flopped down onto the sofa.

Gwaine sat down next to him and there was something about the look on his face that made Merlin’s chest feel tight and his stomach turn. Somehow he had a feeling that this wasn’t going to end well. 

“Look, Merlin, I know you’re not happy. I’m not happy either. And we both know that we haven’t been for a long time.”  

It sounded a lot like speech Merlin had planned in his head. Where was this going?

“You’re arse over tits for the princess and you always have been. I knew that from the start, but somehow I thought maybe you’d come around one day. I wanted you to come around, because I really fucking loved you, Merlin. I still do. But this isn’t working out, and we both know it.”

Merlin took a deep breath. “Gwaine, I-- God, I’m sorry. I really am.” 

Gwaine nodded. “I am, too. But I met someone at my meetings. His name is Percival, and he’s really bloody great, actually. I want to give it a shot.” 

“You should--” Merlin swallowed. “You should do that. You deserve someone who loves you… so much more than I ever could. You deserve to be happy. And I’m sorry I didn’t let you go before.”   
“It wasn’t your fault. Life got in the way… and I really didn’t want you to let me go. I was so scared of losing you, Merlin… it was pathetic. And I’ve… I’ve been horrible, and what I did was unfair. So I want you to know that I’m truly sorry.” 

Merlin shook his head. Gwaine couldn’t honestly blame himself for his problem, could he? “Gwaine--”

“No, Merlin.” Gwaine pulled a letter out from behind his back and handed it to Merlin. “This arrived for you not long after your Mum’s funeral. I took it and I read it… and I hid it. And I shouldn’t have. I was in a bad place, but it was wrong and I’m sorry. You deserve to be happy too, you know?” 

Merlin stared at the letter in his hands. He recognized the handwriting immediately, even though he found it hard to believe that it was on a letter addressed at him. 

Arthur. 

Arthur had written him a letter? 

“I-- I’m going to pack a few things and give you some space,” Gwaine told him. Merlin nodded absentmindedly. 

When he was gone, Merlin pulled the sheet of paper out of the envelope, his heart beating hard and fast in his chest. He unfolded it and started reading:

_ Dear Merlin, _

_ I think it’s safe to say that no one knows me better than you, so it probably won’t come as much of a surprise to you that the soppy part of me decided to be old fashioned and send you a letter. I suppose you already know that this rather embarrassing part of me exists and actually makes an appearance every now and then.  _

_ Either way, I’m writing a letter because I’m an idiot who doesn’t know how to say this in person. Or via chat, where you could also react immediately. Alright, let’s face it, I guess I’m just a bit of a coward. And to be perfectly honest, what I’m about to write really scares the crap out of me. I’m at the airport, and spent at least an hour at the bar before I had the courage to even start writing this thing. Yes, I am that pathetic. _

_ The thing is, Merlin… You deserve better than Gwaine. I know you like him, and I presume he makes a good mate, but what’s it worth if you’re not completely and utterly in love with him? I know you. You’re an incurable romantic, and I know he doesn’t make you as happy as you could be. As you should be. You deserve someone who loves every part of you, including every quirk and flaw. Someone who can’t imagine anything better than spending the rest of his life with you. Someone who is absolutely crazy about you, and whom you are absolutely crazy about in return.  _

_ That being said, I know someone who could make you happy like that. Someone who knows you in and out and still loves you so ridiculously much that it hurts sometimes.  _

_ And yes, I’m talking about myself in the 3rd person, because it seems I am extra soppy today. Like a daft twat, rambling on and on, without getting to the point…  _

_ Look, all I’m trying to say is that… I love you. I do. So much that it scares me.  _

_ And I want to be with you, if you’ll have me.  _

_ I think you and I could be great together, Merlin. Honestly really fucking great.  _

_ We always have been.  _

_ So… tell me if you want to give this a shot. I’m waiting. _

_ I hope you’re braver than I am. And if you’re not… well, soppy letters are still an option.  _

_ Love, _

_ Arthur _

Merlin stared at the piece of paper in his hands, unable to even start processing what it meant. And then he started sobbing, involuntarily, because his life wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair at all and Arthur loved him. Arthur  _ loved _ him, and he wanted to be with him, but Merlin had never gotten a chance to tell him that he wanted that, too, because Gwaine had taken the letter. Arthur probably thought that Merlin just didn’t want the same thing, and that that was the reason for his silence. 

Arthur was with Gwen now, but maybe… Maybe there was still a chance. Maybe Merlin could explain to him what happened and maybe…

Merlin wiped furiously at the tears running down his cheeks and pulled out his phone. 

Arthur answered immediately.

“Merlin!” 

“Arthur,” Merlin said, smiling. He wiped another tear from his face. 

“It’s funny that you called, because I was just about to call you as well.” 

Merlin’s smile faded a little. Why did nothing seem to be going according to his plans that night? 

“Oh! Why, what’s up?” he asked, bracing himself. 

“Well… Um… We haven’t planned this, and it was an accident, really, but… Gwen is pregnant.” 

Merlin could’ve sworn his heart stopped beating for a moment. 

“Wh--What?”

“She found out last week. It so crazy, I can’t even begin to fathom this. I’m going to be a dad!”

“That’s-- That’s-- wow,” Merlin stammered. He really didn’t know what it was. Horrible, maybe. 

“And since I know what it’s like to grow up without a Mum and I don’t want that for my child, I thought about asking her to marry me,” Arthur explained further.

Merlin felt himself getting sick.

“M--marry you?” 

“Yes. Merlin, is everything alright? You sound strange.” 

Merlin shook his head and bit his lip to hold back his tears. He could still tell Arthur about the letter, but somehow he felt like it wouldn’t be fair. 

“Yeah, no… It’s just… Gwaine and I just ended things,” he said instead. 

“Oh! Fuck, I’m sorry, Merlin. That’s why you called. I’m such a moron. Are you okay?” 

Merlin took a deep breath.

“I will be,” he said, but the truth was that he wasn’t sure he would be. He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Arthur. I have to go.” 

Merlin hang up on him and buried his face in a pillow. 

He didn’t think he’d stop crying anytime soon. 

 

 

Freya stared at the letter Merlin had given her. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks flushed. When she looked up, she gave Merlin a sympathetic smile, one that was barely there at all. 

“Oh dear, Merlin. I’m so sorry.”

“He sent this to me a year ago and Gwaine just… hid it. He read it and hid it. I never even had a chance…” Merlin said, voice hoarse from all the crying he’d done since the night before. He was pretty sure he looked absolutely awful. “And now his girlfriend is pregnant… and he’s going to marry her.” 

Merlin closed his eyes to bite back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him once more. He felt Freya’s arms closing around him, pulling him against her chest. 

“I hate my life,” Merlin whined into the fabric of her shirt. 

“I still think you should tell him, Merlin,” Freya said softly, but Merlin shook his head ever so slightly. 

“I can’t. I can’t take this away from him, and I can’t put him in a position where he has to choose between me and his child. He shouldn’t have to, and I can’t do this to him.” 

Merlin knew how much it had hurt Arthur to grow up without his mother, and he knew first hand what it was like to grow up without a father. And while Arthur wouldn’t be out of his child’s life just because he was with Merlin, he would still have to make a choice, and Merlin didn’t want him to have to make it. He hadn’t wanted Anna to have to live away from him all those years ago, so he knew what it felt like and he didn’t want it for Arthur. It wouldn’t be fair. It wasn’t fair either way, but Merlin wouldn’t be selfish in this. He’d made so many mistakes in the past, he wouldn’t make any other. 

Freya sighed.

“As much as it hurts... that only shows how much you love him.” 

“I do, and he loves me back, but we still can’t be together. Why does my life have to be so bloody unfair?” 

“This is not the end of the world, Merlin. Who knows if it even works out? Look at you and Gwaine. You and Arthur are like star crossed lovers or something, how can anything else ever compete with that?” 

“But what about the baby?” 

Freya shook her head. 

“Merlin, you were the first one with a baby, and it didn’t change anything about you and Arthur. Why would his baby be any different?” 

“Well, first of all, you getting pregnant  _ did _ change things between me and Arthur, and secondly, Arthur is bisexual. Unlike me, he is actually attracted to the mother of his child.” 

Freya sat up a bit straighter and Merlin glanced up at her from his position on her shoulder. 

“What do you mean it changed things? I mean, of course there were changes, but you and Arthur…”

Merlin sighed. He’d never told Freya that he’d planned on going to New York with Arthur, that they’d have lived together, and maybe -  _ probably _ \- things would have gone a lot different. He knew that now. 

“I was going to New York with him. I applied for NYU, and I got in. The letter arrived the day you told me you were pregnant. But I couldn’t leave you alone with this, so I stayed. I wouldn’t change a thing about that now, though, you need to know that, because I’d never trade being able to raise my daughter for anything else in the world.” 

Freya let go of him and Merlin sat up, meeting her eyes. She looked hurt, but it wasn’t the most prominent emotion in her eyes. Most of all she just looked like she was terribly sorry, and Merlin didn’t like that look at all. Freya shouldn’t have to feel sorry about this, ever. 

“Oh god, Merlin, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you to look at me like you’re doing now. It wasn’t your fault, and it was my decision to stay. And I told you, I never once, not for a single second, regretted that decision.”

It was Merlin’s turn to pull Freya against his chest now, and hold her close. 

“Look, you and Anna have been the only constant in my life for the past 9 years. Even Arthur was just not around for a whole year, and the rest of the time he was thousands of miles away. But you were always there for me, and always ready to listen to my whining about Arthur, or even my magic. You’re my best friend, Frey, and I would never want to change that.” Merlin pressed a kiss to her hair and rubbed her upper arm in a soothing motion. 

“All right. I believe you,” Freya said with a sigh and glanced up at him with a tiny smile gracing her lips. “And for the record, you’re my best friend, too, and I love you, Merlin. I just want you to be happy, and I know that Arthur is the one who can make you happy.”

Merlin hummed and held onto her for a while longer, just enjoying the warmth of another human being he cared about. 

“So… enough talk about me,” he said after a while, “I want to know how your date went.”

Freya groaned and buried her face at Merlin’s chest. 

“That bad?” 

“Well, Anna likes him, but… I just don’t think it’s working out. He’s just not the right guy for me, I guess,” Freya explained when she came back up. 

“Sorry to hear that.” 

“If you think about it, I’m just as messed up as you. The longest relationship I had lasted a whole three months! I’m 27 years old and never had a long lasting relationship. That  _ is  _ pathetic.” 

“It’s not. I just means you’re picky, and you have every right to be,” Merlin told her.

There was a moment of silence, before Merlin started chuckling quietly when a thought crossed his mind. 

“Sometimes I honestly wish you and I could be together, because it would be so much easier. At least we know and _ like _ each other already. Hell, we even have a child together. It would be perfect.”

Freya sat up a little and grinned. 

“I really would be, wouldn’t it?” 

They looked at each other for another moment, and Merlin had no idea who started it, but suddenly his lips were pressed against hers and he was kissing her, his hand gently cupping her cheek. The kiss lasted for a few seconds, and then a few more, before they broke apart and both burst into laughter. 

“Nah, definitely still gay,” Merlin said when his stomach started hurting from all the laughing. 

“You really are. Ugh, that was like kissing my gay brother.” 

Merlin snorted out another laugh. 

“That’s a truly disturbing thing to say, you know that, right? We have a child together.” 

“Ugh. Yeah, didn’t think that one through. My gay best friend then, which you actually _ are _ . This was a bad idea. What were we thinking?” 

Merlin smiled broadly at her and pulled her back against his chest. 

“Come on, no harm done. Once every decade is fine.” 

“And you were laughing. I tried to cheer you up earlier, so… mission accomplished, I suppose.”

“Yeah,” Merlin whispered, lips brushing against her dark hair, “Mission accomplished. I actually forgot that I was supposed to be sad and frustrated for a moment.”

There was a moment of silence, before Merlin added quietly: “Thanks, Frey. I really have no clue what I’d do without you.” 

Freya didn’t reply, but she wrapped her arms tighter around his waist, and that was all Merlin needed. 

 


	16. The One with the Other Wedding

Anna wasn’t happy at all to find out that Arthur was going to marry Gwen. She, Merlin and Arthur were talking over Skype, like they did almost every week, and she started shouting through the whole flat when Arthur broke the news to her.

“WHAT? NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” she cried out, causing Arthur to wince ever so slightly. He looked shocked and surprised at her outburst, but most of all confused.

“Why not, sweetheart? I thought you’d be happy. Don’t you like Gwen?”

Anna almost jumped out of her chair at that, her face red and angry, and the light bulb at the ceiling promptly burst loudly into a million pieces.

“NO, I DON’T! I HATE HER. AND IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO THIS, I’M GOING TO HATE YOU, TOO!” she yelled. “SHE IS NOT WHO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH!”

The bulb of the table lamp on the desk burst as well, and without another glance at Arthur, she stormed out of the room.

Arthur just sat there, staring after her in shock. He’d obviously never witnessed one of her outbursts before, and even Merlin had to admit that he’d never seen one quite that extreme.

“What-- what just happened, did I say something wrong?” he asked, and he sounded so hurt that Merlin’s heart broke a little.

Merlin sighed. “She didn’t mean that, she’ll come around. It’s like when I married Gwaine…. She didn’t like that either, but she came around eventually.”

“You mean when she tried to convince me that _I_ had to marry you?”

“Yeah… That time.”

Something like enlightenment appeared on Arthur’s face. “Wait. Is this… This is about the same thing, isn’t it?” He sounded way too defeated for Merlin’s liking. For all Arthur knew, Merlin had simply never reacted to his letter, maybe because he wasn’t interested in pursuing any kind of romantic relationship with him; which was so bloody far from the truth, Merlin wanted to cry.

He averted his eyes and bit his lip, trying his best not to lose his shit again. He couldn’t start crying again, or he might never stop.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Arthur said when Merlin stayed silent.

However, neither of them seemed willing to address the topic at hand any further, and there was an awkward pause, filled with the tension of too many things unsaid. When the silence between them finally grew too heavy, they both spoke at the same time.

“Merlin--”

“Look, Arthur--”

They shared a smile, both shaking their heads.

“Merlin, I--” Arthur started again, but seemed to change his mind and said instead, “You’re going to be my best man, right?”

Merlin tried his best not to scream, and not to bite his own tongue off, but it was hard. It was so hard, and so unfair, but he still wanted to be a good friend to Arthur, so he put on a smile and nodded.

“Of course.”

“Good. That’s good.”

There was another pause, and it hurt so much, because Merlin couldn’t remember them ever being so uncomfortable around each other. They’d never felt the need to walk on eggshells around each other before, and there had never been so much left unsaid. It was there and they both knew it, but neither of them was brave enough to address it.

“I assume your father was over the moon to hear the news,” Merlin said, grasping at straws.

“Oh, yeah. He really, really was,” Arthur assured him.

“Well, she’s a _girl_. That should have sealed the deal.” Merlin tried not to sound too annoyed, but it wasn’t easy. He’d always had trouble dealing with Uther, and his ignorance towards his son’s sexuality didn’t help at all.

“He actually… he encouraged me to ask her in the first place.”

Merlin couldn’t help it anymore, and snorted.

“Of course he did.”

“I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to…” Arthur tried to defend himself, defiance gleaming in his eyes.  

“Do you love her?” Merlin asked, just like Arthur had asked him all those years ago.

Arthur stared at him for a moment, before he smiled incredulously and shook his head.

“I… I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I don’t know anything. I’m just… _Christ_ , Merlin. How can you ask me that?”

 _After I sent you that letter,_ Merlin added in his mind, because he knew Arthur was thinking it.

“Well, you asked me if loved Gwaine before I married him. I said--”

“ _I don’t know_ , yeah, I know.”

“You said that ‘ _I don’t know_ ’ is not enough.”

Arthur shook his head.

“Well, it is when she is pregnant.”

Merlin sighed, realizing that he’d been too harsh. He didn’t want to fight with Arthur about this; not when he could simply tell him the truth, but refused to, to protect him. He couldn’t make him feel bad because of it now.

“Look, I’m sorry, Arthur. I’m just a bit on edge since Gwaine left. I should just go, I don’t want to say things I don’t mean. I’m happy as long as you’re happy. Honestly. Your happiness is all I care about.”

Arthur smiled, the first genuine smile since they’d started talking.

“And I’m happy as long as you’re happy, but you’re not, so what am I supposed to do?”

Yeah, what were they supposed to do when both of their happiness was right there, within reach, but they couldn’t have it, because they were both idiots, and life was not fair? Merlin sighed. Life was not fair at all.

 

 

The wedding was scheduled for the end of August, not long after Arthur’s 28th and Anna’s 9th birthday. Merlin was in a really bad mood when they arrived in New York, and it was not only because he felt sick thinking about Arthur’s upcoming wedding, but also because Anna was still mad at Arthur and had a talent for spreading her foul mood when she wanted to.

She kept telling Merlin that she didn’t want to go during their - very long and tiring - flight from London to New York, and then she announced that she was mad at Merlin as well because why didn’t _he_ ask Arthur to marry him already?

Freya had tried to get her to calm down at first, but given up after two hours of trying to talk sense into a stubborn 9-year-old. Anna was upset, and there was nothing they could do about it. Merlin just hoped she wouldn’t mess up the ceremony with her wild running magic.

 

Arthur was waiting for them at the airport and Merlin smiled in spite of himself when he spotted him in the crowd. He hadn’t seen him in person for months, and there was a familiar sense of calm spreading in his chest when he was walking towards him. Merlin was hurt and frustrated, but Arthur was still his best friend, and somehow he thought that maybe, as long as Arthur was still a part of his life, he would still be fine in the end.

“Hey,” Merlin said softly when he stopped in front of him and wrapped his arms around his neck to hug him tightly. He breathed in his familiar scent and tried his best to ignore the butterflies in his stomach, or else he feared he might never let go again.

“Hey.” Arthur’s voice was just as soft, and his arms strong around Merlin’s waist.

Things had been difficult and tense between them lately, but now that they were back in each other’s arms all of that seemed to melt away.

Merlin let go again after a short while and let Freya hug Arthur as well, while Anna hid behind him with a grim look on her face. Arthur smiled when he spotted her, but it faded quickly when she just glared at him, turned around and looked down at her phone.

He sighed and looked helplessly at Merlin, who could only shrug and snatch the phone away from Anna in an attempt to win her attention.

“Hey!” she protested.

“I know you don’t want to, but you’re going to say ‘hi’ to Uncle Arthur now,” Merlin said and let his magic reach out to her to make sure she knew he was serious.

Anna glared at him. “Fine.” She put on a smile and turned to Arthur. “Hi, uncle Arthur.”

“Oh, come on, sweetheart. Are you still mad at me?” Arthur asked, clearly upset by Anna’s cold behaviour towards him.

She nodded. “Yes, yes I am. I warned you before, but you didn’t care.”

“I-- Look, I’m sorry I disappointed you. I didn’t mean to. I just hope that you will forgive me, because you, little lady, are very important to me. Okay?”

“I’m not little. I’m nine now!”

Arthur raised his hands in surrender.

“Okay.” He seemed to realize that she wasn’t ready to forgive him just yet and let it go for the moment. Merlin was glad he did. He’d already felt Anna’s magic bubbling under the surface of her skin and he couldn’t have her snap and accidentally use it in the middle of the arrival area at JFK.

 

“Isn’t she a bit young for teenage angst?” Arthur asked when they were on their way out. Freya and Anna were going ahead and were already out of earshot.

“She’s always been pretty mature for her age. I’m not really surprised, to be honest,” Merlin told him.

“I just wish I knew what I can do to make it up to her.”

“Nothing. You just have to give her some time. She’ll come around, in time.”

Arthur nodded. “You think so?”

“No, I know she will. She adores you, Arthur. She always has. And since she takes after me when it comes to a lot of things… I know that she could never hate you. She’s just disappointed.” Merlin looked straight ahead, avoiding Arthur’s eyes.

“Yeah. I get that feeling,” Arthur said, and to Merlin it felt like a punch in the gut. It became clear already that the following days would be torture, in so many ways. He knew Arthur was mad at him for not reacting to his letter, even though he tried not to show it. But it was there, just beneath the surface, and Merlin wanted to scream. He wanted to scream it all out and tell him that they’d been screwed over and that he freaking loved him too, so goddamn much.

 

 

The ceremony _was_ torture. Merlin clenched his right fist so hard his nails broke the skin of his palms, but he barely felt it. He tried to zone out and not to listen to the vows, or the question if there were any objections from anyone against this marriage, because _yes_ , there were, but Merlin couldn’t very well come forth with them now.

He barely made it through, but he _did,_ somehow. Merlin didn’t waste any time to drink as much champagne as he could when they arrived at the reception, though, because he knew there was no way he would make it any further when he stayed sober.

He watched Arthur and Gwen dance with a sour look on his face, downing his glass in one gulp and snatching a new one from a passing waiter. It already was the second worst day of his life, that he knew for sure.

Merlin was supposed to give a speech after dinner, and neither he nor Freya were terribly surprised that he was well pissed already when it was time to stand up and get everyone’s attention.

His head was spinning when he fumbled out the piece of paper he’d written his speech on, but one look at it and he felt so sick that he ripped it apart and threw it carelessly over his shoulder.

“All right,” he said loudly for everyone to hear. “All right, my turn.”

Merlin met Arthur’s eyes and smiled. He looked so bloody handsome in his tux.

“So, for everyone who doesn’t know me already, I’m Merlin, and I’m Arthur’s best friend. As his best man, I’m supposed to tell you some funny and emotional stories about him, and that’s what I’m going to do now. I’ve actually known this guy for more than 20 years, so there’s plenty of stories to choose from - so stay tuned!” Merlin raised his glass and waited until everyone else did the same, before taking a huge gulp and placing it back on the table.

“Arthur and I met when we were 7-years-old. I ran him over on my first day at school, and as you can imagine, he didn’t like that at all. He was a huge prat and yelled at me, but all I had to do was tell him that I thought he was pretty, and we became friends. Arthur has always been a bit vain, let’s be honest here.” The audience laughed.

“One time - it was my 18th birthday - we got drunk and accidentally landed in a gay club. Now, neither of us were out yet at the time, but we stayed anyway, just for fun. It didn’t take 5 minutes until Arthur got hit on, and you can imagine what that did for his ego. Arthur is a very affectionate drunk, too, and it was clear how hard it was for him to turn that guy down. We had a lot of fun that night…” Merlin thought of that first kiss they’d shared on the dancefloor and decided that he probably shouldn’t mention _that_. He didn’t think Arthur would appreciate it.

“Arthur has always been fun to be around. Once you get past his posh exterior, he’s actually a pretty fun guy, especially when he’s drunk. But he’s also a really great friend. He’s always been there for me when I needed him, and he’s honestly the best person anyone could wish to have in their lives. Arthur is… loyal, and brave, and kind. He has a really big heart and lots of love to give. Once he cares about you, he will never give up on you.”

Merlin met Arthur’s eyes and reached up to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye. He hadn’t realized that he’d started crying, but there were tears in Arthur’s eyes, too, and suddenly Merlin had trouble keeping it together.

“You never gave up on _me_ ,” Merlin said, sighing deeply. “And I am grateful for that. Without you, my life wouldn’t be the same. It would be terrible, because any world without you in it is a terrible world I don’t want to set foot in. Because who would listen to my ridiculous problems, then? Who would tell me to breathe when I’m upset? Who would give me the strength to go on when things are getting tough? Who would make me laugh when I’m sad, so hard that I forget I was sad in the first place? Who would punch me and call me an idiot when I’m being one? And who would be there to bicker with me every hour of every day?” Merlin took a deep breath. “You deserve all the love and happiness in the world, Arthur, because you’re… you’re _everything_ , and I’ve come to realize that there’s nothing you could do, nothing that could happen, nothing at all, that could ever make me stop loving you.”

Merlin was really crying now, and everyone was staring at him in shocked silence. He realized what he’d said, and he hadn’t meant to, not then, and not in front of everyone. He blamed the alcohol, but even that couldn’t change what he’d said, and he couldn’t take it back. Fuck.

He shook his head. “Uhhh… like… like my best friend, of course. Like a… ugh, fuck.” No, he couldn’t say brother. He just couldn’t. Instead the decided that fleeing was the best option he had left, and so he turned and ran out of the room.

He shut himself into one of the stalls in the bathroom and tried breathing, but found that he couldn’t and he was starting to panic when he heard the door to the bathroom open and close again. Someone was there, but Merlin couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t do anything.

“Merlin?” It was Arthur. Oh god, it was Arthur. Of course it was Arthur.

Merlin closed his eyes and counted to ten. He owed Arthur an explanation, he knew he did. So he opened the stall door, but stayed sitting on the lid of the toilet.

“Merlin, what the-- what?” Arthur stepped into the stall and Merlin looked up at him. He looked… pretty devastated, actually. And it broke Merlin’s heart to know that it was his fault that he looked that way on the day of his wedding.

“I’m sorry, Arthur. I shouldn’t have-- ugh, I don’t know why I said that. It just came out. I blame the champagne.”

Arthur shook his head. He looked like he didn’t know if he wanted to be angry, or sad, or just confused. “But… I don’t understand this, Merlin. I sent you that letter last year and you never _once_ said a word about it. You just ignored it and I thought, well, obviously he doesn’t feel the same way. So I moved on. It hurt, but I moved on. And then you go and pull a stunt like that on my wedding day. What the fuck, Merlin?”

Merlin closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

“I got your letter on the day Gwaine left me. He gave it to me. Apparently he found it in the mail after the funeral, and he read it and hid it. He said he didn’t want to lose me… I… oh, fuck, Arthur. I never got a chance to reply, because he just took it from me and I--”

“You… you didn’t read it until a few months ago?” Arthur asked, eyes wide.

Merlin shook his head. “No. And when I did, I called you, but… you had your own news, and I just couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t put you in a position where you had to choose.”

Arthur’s eyes grew softer.

“That’s what worried you?”

“I couldn’t make you choose between me and your child.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Merlin, why didn’t you?”

“Because it wasn’t right.”

Arthur sighed and stepped closer. He reached down to grab Merlin’s wrist and pull him to his feet so he could look him in the eyes.

“So you _do_ … you do feel the same.”

“Of course I do. I love you, and I _always_ have. Remember the first time I got drunk? You asked me what was going on with me, but I never told you. Well, it was _you_. I was arse over tits in love with you, and you didn’t even know I was gay.”

Suddenly, Arthur burst into laughter and punched Merlin’s arm.

“I can’t believe this. You must be the greatest idiot with the worst timing in the whole world, Merlin.”

And then Arthur shoved Merlin back until he hit the wall and leaned in until their lips met in a desperate kiss.

“Twelve fucking years, Merlin,” Arthur said, his lips never leaving Merlin’s.

“Longer, actually. More like 14.”

“That’s even worse.”

Arthur pressed closer and bit down on Merlin’s lower lip, before soothing it with a lick of his tongue. Merlin kissed him back fiercely, licking into his mouth, his hands coming up to the back of his head to hold him in place. Arthur pulled Merlin’s button-down out of his trousers and shoved a hand underneath it, his fingers spreading over Merlin’s lower back. Merlin shivered at the touch, his cock twitching against Arthur’s thigh. His magic was running wild in his veins, causing the light at the ceiling to flicker.

Arthur’s pupils were dilated when he pulled away a little to plant kisses all over Merlin’s face, like he was the most precious thing in the world.

Merlin closed his eyes, his hand coming up to cup Arthur’s cheek, and that’s when he noticed that Arthur was crying. There were tears running down his cheeks, wetting Merlin’s fingers, while he was still kissing Merlin’s cheek, and his nose, and then his brow.

“Arthur,” Merlin whispered. “Why are you crying?”

“Because I want this. I want you,” Arthur said between kisses. He placed one last kiss on Merlin’s lips before he pulled away entirely and removed his hand from its place on Merlin’s back.

“But I’m married now, and I owe it to Gwen to give it a shot. We’ve been married for four hours. I can’t… I can’t walk out on her now. I have to at least try, just like you had to all those years ago.”

Merlin nodded sadly. “Yeah, I understand that. I wish I didn’t, but I do.”

He swore he could feel both of their hearts breaking in that moment and he let his magic reach out to Arthur, wrapping him in like a blanket.

Arthur hummed. “I always liked when you did that.”

Merlin smiled sadly. “My magic likes it, too.”

Returning his smile, Arthur reached out to cup Merlin’s stubbly chin in his hand and pressed another soft, lingering kiss to his lips.

“I love you,” he whispered, their lips not yet parting again.

“I love you, too,” Merlin breathed and it was simultaneously the most wonderful and most painful moment of his life.

 

 

Merlin was lost in a strange kind of reverie for days after they got back home. He wandered through life like it was just a dream he would soon wake up from. Things were finally clear between him and Arthur; there were no secrets and no lies anymore, and he was infinitely happy and sad at the same time.

“You know it’s not going to last, right?” Freya asked one day when he was staring out of the window in the morning, lost in his memories of his little makeout session with Arthur at the wedding. When he concentrated hard enough, he could still feel his lips pressed against his own.

Merlin almost dropped the mug the was holding, her voice taking him abruptly back to reality.

“What?”

“Their marriage. It’s not going to last. Arthur loves _you_ , and marriages - or any relationships, really - don’t work out _just because_. The baby won’t fix it, and neither will Arthur’s determination to try. A few hours in and he already cheated. Honestly… their marriage is doomed to fail,” Freya told him seriously.

Merlin knew she was right. He knew it wouldn’t work out, just as things didn’t work out between him and Gwaine. They had married for the wrong reasons, and Merlin felt ashamed just thinking it, but he was glad that it wouldn’t last. He was glad, because it meant that he and Arthur still had a chance, someday.

“The lady is right. The blacksmith’s daughter was never meant for the Once and Future King. It has always been Sir Lancelot she was supposed to--”Kilgharrah had jumped onto the windowsill and was once again not reluctant to add his two cents.

“Wait, what did you say? Lancelot?”

“Indeed. Sir Lancelot, the bravest of them all.”

Merlin stared at the cat in utter disbelief.

“Lancelot? Arthur’s ex? The one he’s still friends with? The one Gwen _danced_ with at the wedding? Lancelot du Lac?”

“That is his full name, yes.”

“But you couldn’t even know he was still around, how--”

“I thought we had settled this, young warlock.” The cat glared at him, clearly not amused that Merlin still refused to believe that they were all reborn or reincarnated.

Merlin sighed and raised his hands in surrender.

“All right, all right. So Gwen was with Lancelot… back then?”

“Before he sacrificed his own life for you and Arthur, yes.”

“He-- nevermind. So you think history will repeat itself?”

“I am sure of it,” Kilgharrah said, jumped from the windowsill and walked away before Merlin could ask any more questions.

“Huh,” Merlin huffed. “That was weird. Gwen and Lancelot actually seemed pretty close at the wedding, didn’t they?”

Freya nodded. “They certainly did.”

Huh.

“Why would he plant these thoughts in my head?” Merlin complained when he was pretty sure that the cat was out of earshot, although one could never know with him.

“Can’t I just be left alone to wail my misery?”

“No, you can’t. You, mister, still have a life to live, and I won’t let you waste it just because you got drunk at your best friend’s wedding, lost it, and declared your undying love for him in front of everyone, which was then followed by a wild makeout session on the loo.”

Merlin made a face at her.

“Thanks for reminding me. Also, it wasn’t that wild.”

“Oh, really? Is that why your lower lip was slightly bruised the next day?”

Merlin glared at her and bit his lip. “Ugh, shut up. If you’re really trying to help, Frey, I have to say you’re doing a terrible job.”

“Come on, Merlin. Don’t be such a spoilsport. You have to admit that it _is_ kind of funny if you look past you misery,” Freya said with an amused grin, which Merlin only responded to by sticking out his tongue at her like a petulant child.

 

He would have a lot of stuff to deal with in the following months, that much was certain.

 

 

**New Text Message**

From: Arthur

_I’m a dad!_

 

Merlin felt his chest tighten as he stared down at his phone. It was not that he wasn’t happy for Arthur, but he was still jealous. He was jealous of Gwen, because she’d given him something Merlin could never give him. And he was feeling bitter, too, because the baby was the reason Arthur was married to someone else. It was pathetic and incredibly selfish, and Merlin hated himself for feeling that way, but at the same time he couldn’t help it.

 

To: Arthur

_Congrats! :) Welcome to the club, mate._

 

From: Arthur

_It’s a boy. His name is Finn._

 

To: Arthur

_Let me guess. A girl would’ve been called Rey?_

 

From: Arthur

_Yes, that, or Leia._

 

To: Arthur

_Was Luke an option as well?_

 

From: Arthur

_It was. But Gwen and I decided that we liked Finn better._

 

To: Arthur

_What about Yoda? Or Han? Obi?_

 

From: Arthur

_Don’t be silly._

 

To: Arthur

_Anakin?_

 

It took Arthur a while to answer that one, the three dots appearing for what felt like an eternity until he wrote:

 

_Maybe_

 

Merlin smiled, feeling a lot better already after their usual banter. Arthur had also attached a picture of his son, and he was a beautiful little baby boy with light brown skin, thin dark locks and brown eyes - which made him look nothing like Arthur at all. Merlin assumed that it must be Arthur’s recessive white genes causing him to look a lot more like his mother. He tried his best not to assume things he didn’t know based on the words of a cat. A very _wise_ cat, as it turned out, but a cat nonetheless.

More than anything, Merlin was just afraid of Arthur getting hurt. He didn’t deserve it, and Merlin hoped more than anything that Kilgharrah was wrong about this, or that - at the very least - it was a thing of the future, and not the past.

 

To: Arthur

_Either way I’m very happy for you. He’s beautiful._

 

Merlin looked down at his phone, biting his lip. He _was_ happy for him, truly. Because how could Arthur’s happiness ever not make him happy, even if he wasn’t the reason for it?


	17. The One with the Decisions

Somehow the year passed, and then another one, and Merlin was okay. He wasn’t necessarily the happiest person alive, but he was okay. He had his daughter, and Freya, and Gaius, and even Gwaine had made his way back into his life, as a friend. Arthur was there, too, and it was almost like before his wedding -  _ almost _ . There was still longing between them, and it was obvious in every word they exchanged, in every touch they shared. And there was a special kind of tension between them, too, definitely a lot more blatant flirting (because apparently they couldn’t help themselves). But they were okay, like they’d always been. 

Things were fine; they were in order, and Merlin had lots of time to focus on his magic and his study of it. He spent most of his time in the bookshop, and more often than not Anna joined him in the afternoons after school. 

“Do you think uncle Arthur will ever break up with Gwen?” Anna asked one day, about 18 months after the wedding. It wasn’t the first time she’d asked him that since then. Anna had decided to forgive Arthur a few months after the wedding, but she still wasn’t pleased with the way things had gone. She didn’t know about the makeout session in the bathroom, of course - she was still just a 10-year-old after all - but she’d been a live witness to Merlin’s accidental breakdown slash declaration of love, and even back then she hadn’t understood why Arthur couldn’t just stop being married and be with Merlin instead of Gwen. 

Merlin sighed and put down the bottled potion he’d been holding. “I don’t know, sweetheart.” 

“Well, I hope he will. Kilgharrah said Gwen belongs with Lancelot anyway… Or I might slip some of this love potion into his porridge one day.” Anna held up a vial with purple liquid.

Merlin’s eyes widened and he shook his head, hasting to snatch the vial away from his daughter. 

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, please don’t do that. It’s not necessary anyway. Also, I will have to kill the cat for telling you that. You didn’t tell Arthur, did you?” 

Anna grinned smugly at him. 

“First, not necessary, huh? What are you hiding, Dad? And second, Killy tells me everything. And no, I didn’t tell uncle Arthur, calm down.” 

Merlin couldn’t help staring at her for a moment. Sometimes he felt like he was talking to a girl much older than a 10-year-old. Anna was very mature for her age. She understood a lot more than she should, and she was witty and rational like someone who was a lot older than she actually was. 

Merlin sighed. “I assume you won’t let it go until I tell you, will you?” 

“I won’t.”

“All right, then. Well… Arthur actually… it’s not that he doesn’t love me. He does.”

Anna’s eyes widened. 

“He does? I knew it! I knew he does!” 

“Yes. He told me.”

“So what’s the problem, then?” 

“Ugh… it’s difficult to explain, honey. It’s… adult stuff, mostly.”

One look at Anna was enough to understand that she wasn’t satisfied with that answer.  “Look, Arthur and Gwen have a son and he feels like… well, he feels like it’s is duty to stay with them, and to give his marriage with Gwen a chance.” 

Anna made a face.

“Well, that’s just dumb. Why would he stay with someone he doesn’t love? Finn will be fine. You and Mum have never been together, and I’m just as fine.”

She shook her head. “Adults are so dumb. Please, never let me become so dumb,” she said more to herself than Merlin. 

Merlin couldn’t exactly blame her, or even disagree with her. 

They were all stupid and life was complicated, and sometimes he wondered if it was their own fault for making things harder than they actually were. 

“I need to tell Daniel that I love him. Right now, before I end up like you and uncle Arthur,” Anna announced, reaching for her jacket. 

Merlin’s eyes widened in surprise. 

“You-- you what?” 

“He is the best, and I love him, and I want to marry him when I’m grown up. So I will tell him now and things won’t get dumb and complicated when we’re old.” 

“That’s-- well, pretty wise, actually. So you love him, huh? Already?” 

Merlin tried his best to hide his horror about his 10-year-old daughter’s announcement. He had hoped that he’d have at least another four or five years left until he had to start worrying about her potential boyfriends, or girlfriends, for that matter. He should’ve known that it would always be Daniel for her. 

“Of course! Didn’t you love uncle Arthur when you were ten?” 

_ Well…  _ “Huh. I guess I did.” He _ had  _ already called him pretty at seven after all. 

“And do you wish you had told him sooner?” 

“Yeah… I suppose I do.” 

“See. You could’ve told him that you liked boys and that you loved him when you were ten, and then--”

Merlin shook his head and gave Anna a soft smile. 

“Then you probably wouldn’t exist, sweetheart, and I would never want that. By sooner, I meant more like…  _ 18 _ . After you were born. But you two aren’t Arthur and I. You’ll go your own way. So if you want to tell him now, then go ahead.” 

Anna nodded eagerly. 

“Okay. I will tell him. I want to.” 

“Okay. Off you go, then. Take the short route, though, and call me when you’re there. All right?”

“Yes, Daddy.” Anna pulled Merlin down by his jumper and pressed a kiss on his cheek. 

“I love you.” 

Merlin smiled. “I love you, too.” 

 

 

Arthur, Gwen, and their son came to visit in August that year, to celebrate Arthur’s 30th birthday, which coincided with Anna’s 11th birthday. Merlin, Freya and Anna had moved back into Hunith’s house the year before, because Merlin didn’t like leaving it empty, and that way they could take better care of it and even save money on the rent. 

So it just made sense to throw a birthday party with all their friends in the backyard. 

Gwen greeted him warmly, and Merlin couldn’t help admiring her for her gentle and forgiving nature. Merlin had crashed her wedding by declaring his undying love for her husband after all - and Merlin would not blame her for being wary and cold around him. But she wasn’t, and it was something Merlin found he was grateful for. Nevertheless, he still felt awkward when he hugged Arthur while she was watching. He felt like a dirty cheater, and as much as he wished he could say that they had never crossed that line, he knew that would be a blatant lie. The memories of their kisses in the bathroom just hours after the wedding were still fresh in his mind and Merlin doubted they would ever fade. 

Arthur held on just a bit longer than necessary before he pulled away and gave Merlin that look again; the one filled with longing and love and sadness. Merlin wasn’t sure if he wanted to punch or kiss it away, but he wanted it to go. He was sick of seeing it and feeling what he was feeling every time Arthur looked at him that way.

Merlin managed to actually enjoy the party the next day, but he was pretty certain that it was mostly thanks to all the cocktails he’d been sipping on all night. He watched Anna dance and giggle with Daniel on their makeshift dance floor and took an extra huge gulp from his drink when they shared a chaste kiss. It was very sweet to watch, and once Merlin got over his initial parental concern, he was happy to see his daughter so happy, even though he still thought she was a bit young to kiss boys. Not that Merlin would ever tell her that. He trusted her, and if she felt like sharing chaste kisses with the other side of her coin, he would not stop her. 

Merlin met Freya’s eyes across the yard, and they shared a smile. Freya had seen it as well, and Merlin knew they were on the same page when it came to this part of their daughter’s life. He watched her dragging her new boyfriend -  _ Will _ , of all people - onto the dance floor and laughing delightedly when Will twirled her around. It was funny, how things had worked out. Will had been Merlin’s neighbour and best friend before his family had moved away only weeks before their first day of school. Merlin hadn’t seen him again after that, until Freya had brought him home with her and introduced him as her new boyfriend. And they were great together; happy. Freya deserved all the love in the world, and from what Merlin had seen, Will gave her exactly that.

“Your daughter is kissing boys,” Arthur said and startled Merlin, who’d been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even notice him approaching. Merlin rolled his eyes when Arthur’s words sank in.

“No, she’s kissing  _ a _ boy. Daniel.” 

“And you’re okay with this?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Arthur looked slightly incredulous when he met Merlin’s eyes.

“Well, because she’s only eleven, and you’re her father. Aren’t you supposed to freak out or something?” 

Merlin couldn’t help laughing at that.

“She told him she loved him last year. She said she didn’t want to be stupid like me... or you.” 

Arthur made a face and Merlin laughed a bit more.

“She actually said that?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I suppose she has a point,” Arthur said and took a gulp from his beer. 

Merlin hummed into his cocktail and sucked at the straw, eyes back on Anna and her boyfriend. 

“Christ, Merlin, can you stop doing that?” Arthur asked after a moment and when Merlin turned to look at him, he found a faint blush high on his cheeks. 

He narrowed his eyes at him. “What?” 

“ _ That _ !”

“Drinking?” 

“Sucking on that fucking straw. You’re driving me mad.” 

_ Oh.  _

Merlin burst into a sudden fit of laughter, just because their situation was ridiculous, and Arthur was ridiculous, and he knew exactly what Arthur meant. 15 years of built up sexual tension were  _ a lot,  _ and more often than not Merlin found himself feeling a bit like a horny teenager around Arthur. It wasn’t really surprising to realize that Arthur felt the same way. 

Arthur’s cheeks were flushed pink and that only made Merlin laugh harder. 

“You do realize how ridiculous all of this is, right? Anna  _ was _ right. You and I are the stupidest people on the entire planet.” 

Arthur made a face like he’d just bitten down on something sour, just before an exaggerated pout appeared on his face.

“Oi! It’s my birthday, aren’t you supposed to be nice to me?” 

Merlin snorted. “I am nice, grandpa. I’m telling the truth,” he said and kept sucking at his straw while looking up at Arthur through his eyelashes. 

Arthur pressed his lips together and shook his head. “I hate you.” 

“No, you don’t.”

“Well, I wish I would!” 

“Do you?” 

“Oh, Christ, Merlin. Stop it. You’re-- arrgh.” Arthur shook his head again and Merlin could tell that he had trouble meeting his eyes, the blush creeping back to his cheeks. 

He’d never seen Arthur blush that much before in his life. 

“I going to go and look for my wife now,” Arthur told him determinedly.  _ Before I do something we both might regret.  _ He didn’t say it, but Merlin knew he thought it. 

Things were always a little more… flirty and tension-filled between them now that they both knew how they felt for each other. It was hard to go back to how it was before, even though they both tried their best. Well, Merlin didn’t always try  _ his best _ , necessarily. The straw sucking might have been intentional the second time around, after he’d realized what it did to Arthur. 

“Not stopping you,” Merlin said with a gleam in his eyes and sucked extra hard at the straw, unable to stop grinning into his glass. 

 

 

Merlin started to feel fairly drunk after another hour or two, and he went inside to get a glass of water along with some quiet. He should’ve known that Arthur would follow him, but he still jumped out of his skin when he suddenly wrapped his arms around him from behind. 

“Fuck! Arthur, what are you doing? You scared the shit out of me!” Merlin complained and put down his freshly filled glass to turn in Arthur’s embrace. 

Arthur promptly pressed a kiss to the corner of Merlin’s mouth, and then another one fully on the lips. It was their first kiss since the wedding, the first in almost two years, and Merlin needed a moment to gather his senses. He was drunk, but not drunk enough to just let them do this again, so he bit Arthur’s lip a bit harder than he usually would and forced an inch of magic between their lips to keep them separated (because apparently Merlin didn’t truly trust himself these days). 

“Merliiiinnnn…” Arthur whined when he couldn’t get through the magic. 

“Arthur. We can’t do this again, not as long as you’re still with Gwen. It’s not fair.” 

Arthur sighed.

“I know. I  _ know _ … I just… Things aren’t working out between me and Gwen.”

Merlin raised his eyebrows. He had never actually expected it to work out, not after everything that had happened at the wedding. However, he still understood why Arthur had to try, for his son if nothing else.

“Now, that’s a surprise,” he deadpanned. 

“I thought you were supportive of this.” 

“I am. But you have to make a decision, Arthur. I can’t pull you away from your family, but… Look, I’ve never been with Freya, and Anna turned out just fine. Things are fine. It’s possible. But you have to make that decision yourself.” 

Arthur’s hands were still resting on Merlin’s waist, and he pushed against the magic to get closer again, and to wrap his arms around Merlin’s torso. 

Merlin sighed and let go of the magic, allowing Arthur in and letting him wrap him into a tight hug. Arthur buried his face at Merlin’s neck and inhaled deeply, making Merlin shiver. 

“It’s hard,” he murmured against his skin.

“Is it?” Merlin couldn’t help asking. Because in the end, it wasn’t hard at all. It was like Anna had told him months earlier: Adults simply tended to make things more complicated than they actually were.

“I just want to do the right thing. For everyone.” 

Merlin sighed again and brought up his own arms to wrap them around Arthur’s waist. 

“I know. You always do. It’s one of the reasons why I love you.” 

Arthur groaned in frustration and pressed a kiss to Merlin’s neck, and then another one a bit higher than the first. He kissed a trail up to Merlin’s jaw, until he reached his lips and kissed them softly, longingly. Merlin’s kissed him back this time, and it was sweet and loving and Merlin wished he wouldn’t have to lose Arthur’s lips again so soon. 

_ Just one last time _ , he thought to himself, mostly to shut up his own conscience. 

Only the sound of someone entering the kitchen made them jump apart, and Merlin let out a relieved breath when he saw Freya in the doorway. 

“Right,” she drawled and gave Merlin a quizzical look. Shaking her head, she stepped into the kitchen and set down the empty salad bowls she’d been carrying. 

“Again? Seriously?” she asked, sounding more amused than condemning. “You two better get your shit together, and soon. I’ve been watching this for 12 years. It’s enough. Honestly, sometimes I want to knock your heads together, just because I can and you deserve it.” 

“Please do it,” Merlin said weakly, already starting to feel miserable. He shouldn’t have done it. Not when he’d known before what he’d inevitably get in the end: more longing, heartbreak, and a bad conscience. 

Freya rolled her eyes. 

“Gwen’s been looking for you, Arthur,” she said and the look of guilt on Arthur’s face was unmistakable. 

“Right. I should probably…” He gestured towards the door fled the kitchen without hesitating for another moment and Merlin stared after him, leaning back against the kitchen counter with a sigh. 

Freya gave him a soft look from across the kitchen. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself, Merlin?” 

“I wish I knew. I just… I love him so much, Frey. I can’t help it.”

 

Merlin avoided seeing Arthur in person as much as he could over the following months. He didn’t trust himself around him anymore, and he didn’t want to do any more things he couldn’t morally support. Arthur had to make a decision, and Merlin couldn’t help him with that. It wasn’t fair either way, but it was a decision that had to be made. 

Unfortunately, Arthur didn’t seem to be good at doing anything about their situation at all, and while Merlin wanted to blame him for it, he found that he couldn’t. He’d stayed with Gwaine for years, even after he’d decided that he didn’t want to be with him, that it wasn’t working out. It was hard, suggesting a divorce. It was hard telling someone that you didn’t love them. 

“I made a decision,” Arthur finally announced around Christmas that year. Merlin clenched his fists in anticipation, so hard that he felt his nails pressing into the skin of his palm. 

“And?” 

“I want  _ you _ . I do. I always did. I will find a way to make things work, I promise.” 

Merlin laughed in relief and unclenched his fist, unable to stop himself from beaming at the screen of his laptop. 

“Well, I’m happy to hear that.” 

And Merlin was. He was happy for months, until it dawned on him that things wouldn’t quite go as he’d expected. Arthur still hadn’t broken up with Gwen at the end of May, and Merlin doubted that it would happen anytime soon. He kept making up excuses, and eventually Merlin grew sick and tired of hearing them. 

“You know what, Arthur!? I don’t care anymore. Clearly you don’t want this as much as I do, and clearly you don’t care, so just-- Stop lying to me. You said you made a decision, but you didn’t. You made a wish. But now you aren’t brave enough to go through with it.” Merlin had trouble holding his tears. “I just can’t do this anymore. It’s not fair, and you know it.” 

“Look, Merlin, I’m sorry. I am. I’m trying, but every time I’m ready something else gets in the way.”   
Another excuse. But Merlin wouldn’t take it. 

He ended the video call without another word and refused to answer another for two month after. Arthur had played with his feelings, and Merlin knew he had to be selfish in this. He couldn’t let Arthur make him feel that way, even if it wasn’t intentional. He needed space, for both of their sakes. He sent Arthur a rather cold sounding message on his birthday, just because he felt like he couldn’t take it that far, but other than that there was no communication between them, no call, no chat, to text. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it was the best Merlin could do for himself. He wasn’t exactly feeling good about it either, but he was feeling better than before; he was moving on in a way, slowly. 

The radio silence went on until the beginning of September, when Arthur suddenly showed up in the bookshop one morning, looking like hell. 

His eyes were red and puffy, he was wearing what must’ve been the trashiest clothes he owned, and his hair was a wild, unwashed mess. Merlin had never seen him like that before. 

“Arthur?” To say that Merlin was surprised to see him seemed to be an understatement. But he was glad, too. And even happier that there weren’t any customers in the shop that needed his attention. 

“What… what happened?” he asked and stepped closer to where Arthur seemed to be frozen to the spot near the entrance. 

“It’s--” Arthur started, but was cut off by his own sobs.  _ Oh hell.  _

Merlin didn’t hesitate a moment longer and wrapped him into a tight embrace, which Arthur returned like his life depended on it. 

“Um… Finn had an accident. He was carrying a glass of orange juice and he fell… And he cut his hand, badly. He lost a lot of blood...” Arthur started to explain, still holding on.

Merlin’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, is he okay?” 

“He’s fine now. But he needed donated blood, and it turned out that he has a very rare blood type. AB negative. Well. Mine is 0 positive.”

Merlin pulled away a bit to stare at Arthur, still trying to process what that meant. 

“Wait. If I remember correctly, an 0 person can’t have an AB child.”

“Exactly.” 

_ Oh. _

“Oh. Oh fuck, I’m so sorry, Arthur.” 

Arthur let go of Merlin and shook his head, and it was obvious that he’d switched from sad to angry.

“Yes. Well, turns out my wife cheated on me - Finn isn’t my child. And I-- I just tried to do the right thing, and this whole time she’s been _ lying  _ to me! Can you believe this?” 

Merlin could, and it hurt his heart that he could. Kilgharrah had prophesied it, and once again Merlin had decided not to listen. And now Arthur was hurt so badly and there was nothing he could do about it. 

“Actually… oh, god. It’s Lancelot, isn’t it? He’s Finn’s father.” 

“He is! My ex is the father of what I thought was  _ my _ child! HE SLEPT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND THEN HE LET ME MARRY HER! MY FREAKING EX-BOYFRIEND AND MY WIFE!” Arthur all but yelled. It took him a moment to realize what Merlin had said, though, and when he did, he went quiet and narrowed his eyes.

“Wait. How can you know that? Lancelot isn’t exactly the first person that would pop into mind, is he?” 

“I didn’t know for sure. It’s just something Kilgharrah said… years ago. He said that Gwen was supposed to be with Lancelot. It was strange, because I had never mentioned them to him, so… I got suspicious. But I hoped… I hoped it wouldn’t be true, because I knew how much it would hurt you and… seeing you hurt is the last thing I want.” 

“Well, I _ am _ hurt now!” Arthur snapped and Merlin flinched. 

“I know. I know, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that this happened. I can’t imagine… I really can’t imagine what it must feel like.”

“It feels awful, Merlin,” Arthur said quietly, resigned. “I thought he was my son. I loved him like my son… and I still do. But knowing that he isn’t actually mine… it’s hard, you know? I’m his Dad. He calls  _ me _ Dad, not Lancelot. And despite the fact that he isn’t my own flesh and blood, he is still my son. And I won’t let them take him away from me.” 

Merlin wrapped Arthur into another hug, soothingly running a hand up and down his back. 

“And I’m sure they won’t. Gwen wanted you to be his Dad for a reason, didn’t she? And Finn… this is hard on him, too. You are his Dad. You can’t just explain to a 2-year-old that he has a new Dad now. You really think they would do that to you,  _ or _ Finn?”

Arthur took a breath. “I suppose not.” 

They stood together for a while longer, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. 

“It will take a while, though. To get used to this. To get over it,” Arthur murmured into Merlin’s shoulder. 

“Yes. But I will be there with you all the way,” Merlin promised. 

Arthur pulled away to look at him, a small smile tugging at his lips. 

“This is the one upside of this nightmare, isn’t it? I can stop being an idiot and just--”

Before Merlin knew what was happening, he was being pressed against a bookshelf and kissed senseless. Arthur’s lips were dry and chapped on his, but they were perfect and Merlin licked over them, making them soft and smooth and so god damn delicious. 

Merlin moaned softly into the kiss and pressed closer, one hand coming up to the back of Arthur’s head, the other staying tightly wrapped around his waist. 

He’d waited for this moment for so long, and now that it was finally there, even though the circumstances were less than ideal, he couldn’t help feeling giddy, and lightheaded, and happier than he had in years. But he had to think of Arthur, too, and he had to make sure Arthur was ready for it after everything that had just happened to him.

So he brought some magic between them to separate them, panting and biting his slightly swollen lower lip when he met Arthur’s eyes. 

“Arthur-- are you-- are you sure about this?”

Arthur raised his eyebrows and looked at Merlin as if he’d lost his mind. 

“Why wouldn’t I be? Merlin, we both wanted this for years.”

“I know. Trust me,  _ I know _ . But you are hurt and… don’t you want to settle all of this before we-- you know?” 

Arthur took a deep breath, smiled wryly and reached up to cup Merlin’s face in his hands. 

“Merlin. I really don’t think there’s any way I cannot do this right now.” He shook his head. “Look, I’m furious at Gwen and Lance. I’m furious because they lied to me, I’m furious that my son is not really my son, and I’m furious that they kept me from you for so long. I will deal with the rest, I have to, but… Please don’t make me waste any more time.”

“Okay.” Merlin smiled softly. “Trust me, wasting more time is the last thing I want.” 

Arthur returned his smile, and it was so warm and soft and full of longing that Merlin’s heart jumped and warmed in his chest. He could feel his magic sing in his veins, reaching out to Arthur, wrapping him in and pulling him closer. 

“Fuck, I love you so much,” Merlin said, and he meant it, more than he’d ever meant anything before in his life. Arthur leaned in to kiss him again, a sweet and gentle press of lips that Merlin felt with every fibre of his being. 

“I agree with your choice of words,” Arthur whispered against his lips, “In fact: Fuck, I love you so much, too.” 

“Mhmm…” Merlin hummed contently. “Actually, I’d like to come back to that first part when we get home.” 

Arthur chuckled quietly, his lips still moving against Merlin’s. 

“Cheeky. But yes, we should definitely come back to that later.” 

Merlin grinned and pressed closer, turning their playful touch of lips into another passionate kiss that left them both breathless when they pulled apart again after - Merlin had actually no idea how long they’d been making out in the middle of the bookshop when they heard someone clearing their throat behind them. 

“Uh. Hey, Gaius,” Merlin said awkwardly, blushing furiously when he noticed his mentor’s disapproving raised eyebrow directed at him. 

“Remind me again why I put you in charge of this place, Merlin?” 

Merlin didn’t need long to recover. He was feeling way too happy to be embarrassed.

“Um, because I’m brilliant and you know it?”

He heard Arthur chuckle close to his ear; he was still close enough for Merlin to feel his warm breath on the side of his neck and he shivered. 

Gaius sighed exasperatedly and shook his head.

“The worst thing is that I can’t even be mad at you for this. Your mother told me a lot of things, and over the years it became clear that she was very much in approval of this.” Gaius gestured between Merlin and Arthur. “I presume this is some kind of celebration that you finally got your heads out of your backsides?” 

Merlin grinned stupidly and Gaius rolled his eyes. 

“Well, off you go then. I will run the shop today.” 

“Really?” Merlin felt giddy all over when he thought about the things they could do when they went home now. 

“Don’t make me rethink the offer.” 

“Well, then. Thank you, Gaius,” Merlin said, still grinning like a maniac, took Arthur’s hand and dragged him out of the shop in a giddy sort of hurry.

 

 

The house was blissfully empty when they arrived. Freya was at work and Anna was still in school, so they had the house for themselves for at least two more hours, and that was all Merlin needed. _ For now.  _ (He just hoped Kilgharrah was happy enough about the recent development in their relationship to stay out of their way.)

Merlin pushed Arthur back against the door as soon as they were inside and pulled him in for a rough kiss, filled with longing and the rage of so many wasted years. Arthur moaned appreciatively and kissed him back just as fiercely, hands tugging impatiently at the hem of Merlin’s sweater. Deciding that he was done wasting time, Merlin got rid of Arthur’s jacket and shirt with a silent spell and pulled back to look at what he’d revealed. Arthur had all the muscles in all the right places, just like he’d always had, and Merlin grinned stupidly when he reached out to finally touch them. His touch was gentle, almost reverent, and he could feel Arthur watching him with a soft smile. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” Merlin said, “Don’t judge me. I wanted to touch those muscles of yours since forever.”

“Actually, I was just wondering if I’m surprised about the fact that half of my clothes are gone already, even though you weren’t even touching my body, but I came to the conclusion that I’m really not. Now, if you could be so kind and return the favour?” Arthur nodded at Merlin’s torso, grinning wryly, his eyebrows raised high on his forehead. Merlin chuckled and repeated the spell, freeing himself of his sweater. 

“Happy?” he asked. 

“Very,” Arthur told him and wrapped his arms around his waist. He placed gentle kisses along Merlin’s collarbone and Merlin shivered. They were skin on skin now and it was a new feeling, one that Merlin had dreamed of for so long but never gotten a taste of before. Their pace had changed rather abruptly from something fierce and desperate to something more gentle and loving. They took their time now, slowly exploring every inch of the other’s body, every inch they’d never touched before.    
Merlin ran his hands up Arthur’s back until he could tangle his fingers in his thick, blond hair and change their angle so he could kiss him again, deeply and thoroughly. Arthur’s hands were exploring Merlin’s torso, his touch just as gentle as Merlin’s had been before. 

“Have you been working out?” he asked against Merlin’s lips and Merlin chuckled. 

“Maybe a little.” 

Arthur hummed. “I like it.” 

Merlin smiled softly. “Mhmm… do you trust me?” 

“You know I do.” 

“Good.” Merlin whispered another spell, and moments later they were standing in his room, still half kissing like they had in the hallway.

Arthur pulled back, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there! Did you just beam us up? Did we apparate?” he asked, looking around. 

“Not quite. It’s not beaming and it’s not like Harry Potter either. But I found a teleport spell a while ago and I’ve been practicing it. I mean, yeah, I guess that’s what it is. I teleported us.” Merlin couldn’t help smiling. He  _ was _ a bit proud of himself.

Arthur just looked stunned and incredulous, and just as fascinated as the first time Merlin had shown him his magic. 

“You never cease to amaze me, Merlin.” He shook his head and surged forward to catch Merlin’s lips in another kiss. “I love you,” he breathed as he walked Merlin backwards until the backs of his knees hit the mattress of his bed, their lips never parting. 

“Mhmm, I don’t think so,” Merlin said, grinning broadly, when Arthur tried to get him to lie down on the bed. In a surprisingly smooth motion he turned them around and pushed Arthur down instead, before crawling on top of him and straddling his hips. 

“Oi!” Arthur protested half-heartedly, but stopped caring when Merlin leaned down to kiss him gently on the mouth, before moving to place more kisses along his jawline, down his neck and his chest until he reached the waistband of his jeans. 

“We definitely don’t need that,” Merlin commented, and seconds later Arthur’s jeans and boxer briefs were gone, leaving him completely naked. Merlin took a moment to just look at him, look at everything he’d dreamed about for so long.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” he said reverently, reaching out to stroke Arthur’s hard, pink, and delicious looking cock. 

“And you’re a horrible tease. Fuck, Merlin.” 

Merlin grinned and stroked again, before leaning down and taking him slowly in his mouth, tongue gently swirling around the head. 

“Fucking hell!” Arthur cursed. Merlin took his time with him, softly sucking and licking up and down his hard length, like he was a fragile treasure that needed to be treated with care, one hand holding him at the base, the other gently massaging his balls. 

It didn’t take long for Arthur to come, and he shouted Merlin’s name when he did, accompanied by a few swear words. He dragged him back up to kiss him right away, and Merlin knew he still tasted like him, and the thought turned him on even more. 

“I want you-- no, I  _ need _ you inside me.  _ Now _ ,” Arthur whispered against his lips and Merlin was more than willing to oblige. He kissed Arthur again, deeply and thoroughly, before using his magic again to get rid of his own jeans and underwear, and then getting a condom and lube from his nightstand without having to reach for it. 

Again, Merlin took his time preparing Arthur, touching him everywhere he could reach and  kissing him whenever he could. 

“God, I love you so much,” he told him just before he pushed inside him. 

They both moaned and shuddered when Merlin started moving, slowly and gently, their bodies pressed together as close as they could. Merlin reached for Arthur’s hand and entwined their fingers, pushing them up above Arthur’s head and pinning him to the mattress. They kissed again, and Merlin bit down on Arthur’s lower lip, making him moan and push up his hips to meet him again, to force Merlin to go faster. 

“Fuck, Arthur!” Merlin cursed when he felt like he was close to falling apart. His magic was going wild inside him and Arthur made his head spin, and caused so many emotions to bubble up just under the surface of his skin that Merlin felt like he was going to explode if he didn’t let them out. 

There was the sound of something shattering, but Merlin couldn’t care less. He felt his magic reach out to Arthur, pulling him closer and connecting them in a way it never had before. Merlin could feel it surging through Arthur and coming back to him, carrying his emotions across; emotions that were so similar to what Merlin was feeling himself. 

“I-I can feel you,” Arthur breathed in wonder, “I can feel what you’re feeling.”

“Yeah,” Merlin whispered, “Me, too.” 

Arthur’s cock was throbbing against Merlin’s stomach, and they were both so close, both desperate to come and reluctant to let go at the same time. 

But then they did, and it felt like everything. They both moaned loudly and Merlin collapsed on top of Arthur, panting heavily. His magic was still wrapped around them, keeping them warm. Merlin barely managed to lift his head to press a kiss to Arthur’s lips, but he wanted to, he  _ needed _ to, and when there lips met, a sudden wave of pictures and memories washed over him, so many that he felt dizzy when it was over and he was left stunned and confused. 

One look at Arthur was enough to realize that he’d seen the same things, that he remembered just like Merlin did. They remembered who they used to be. 

They stared at each other for a moment, confused by so many different feelings. 

Merlin felt love, and longing, and pain. There was so much pain. There was Arthur dying in his arms, and him being unable to do anything about it. There were centuries of waiting, centuries of loneliness and longing. 

“Oh my God,” was all Merlin managed to say.

Arthur kept staring at Merlin, eyes wide. “Fuck.” 


	18. The One with the Memories

“I can’t believe this!” Arthur said when Merlin was lying next to him a while later, one arm wrapped around his waist. Neither of them had said anything in a while, both too busy processing everything they’d just remembered. 

“The damned cat was right all along!” 

“It goes without saying,” Kilgharrah said, suddenly appearing at the foot of the bed, making Arthur jump. “It’s good to have you back, young warlock.” 

“What the--” Arthur didn’t seem to get a break. “I can hear him! How?” 

“Because I want you to hear, young Pendragon.” 

Merlin chuckled. “Now you hear what I had to deal with all this time!  _ And _ millennia before that. He was the Great Dragon back in Camelot, and after that he was a lizard, and a dog, a bird, and then a lizard again, before he became a cat.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes at the cat.

“ _ You  _ were the Great Dragon? You attacked Camelot! I killed you!” 

“You did not.”

Arthur turned his head to look at Merlin. “What?!”

Merlin sighed. “He’s right, you didn’t kill him. He knocked you out and I commanded him to leave Camelot. I was the last dragonlord, so he had to listen to me.” 

“The last--” Arthur shook his head, but seemed to recover quickly. “Of course you were,” he said dryly. Then, “But didn’t the last one die? Why didn’t you say?”

“He did. He was my father, and when he died he passed his gift on to me. And you know why I didn’t say.” 

Arthur’s eyes grew softer and he leaned over to press a kiss to Merlin’s forehead. 

“Yeah… Yeah, I do. I’m sorry about your Dad.” He pulled Merlin a bit closer, tightly wrapping both arms around him. 

“Those were some really fucked up times back then… My father! He used to be a mass murderer! Can you believe it? I guess I should be glad he didn’t kill anyone in this life yet.... Well, that I know of anyway. And Morgana… the 21st century seems to sit well on her. She doesn’t hate me yet, and she married Leon.  _ Leon _ !” Arthur chuckled stupidly. “Everyone is back. Almost everyone I know now I’ve known before. It’s crazy.”

Merlin was listening to Arthur rambling on and watched Kilgharrah disappearing again, obviously bored by Arthur’s incessant babbling. Usually, he only talked that much when he was drunk; then again, Merlin figured, suddenly remembering your past life just after you finally slept with the love of your life could do that to you. 

“Everyone but… Wait-- who was Freya back then? Was she there, too? She had to be, right? Was she a servant?”

Merlin sighed and gave Arthur a pained look. 

“No, she was there. But she wasn’t a servant. I met her in Camelot, she was a druid girl hiding from your father, and I-- well, I think I fell in love with her a bit. I wanted to run away with her, but she was cursed. Do you remember the Bastet? The large panther slash bat creature?”

“Oh. Yes! I killed that thing, didn’t I?”

“Well, that was her. She couldn’t control it.” 

“I-- I killed her?” 

“I’m afraid so.” 

“Oh... fuck. And her boyfriend sacrificed himself to save me.”

“Yeah.” 

“Well, in my defense, had I known she was a girl I wouldn’t have done it. And Will… he wasn’t really a sorcerer, was he? He did it for you.”

Merlin snuggled a bit closer to Arthur’s chest. “I know you wouldn’t have. And no, he wasn’t. He was just trying to protect me.” 

There was a pause, and Merlin knew exactly what was going through Arthur’s mind. 

“So you wanted to run away with Freya, you said?” 

“Come on. I’d never have done it. Someone needed to protect your sorry arse after all. Plus, we had a destiny. We were supposed to unite Albion and bring peace and prosperity to the land. I’d never have run away from that.” 

Arthur made a face.

“That’s your only reason?”

Merlin sighed.

“Well, and maybe, just maybe, my heart was already taken anyway.” 

Arthur smiled, turned and kissed Merlin softly on the mouth. 

“So, what are we supposed to do this time around, then? What’s our great destiny?” Arthur asked when he pulled away again. Merlin shrugged. 

“I don’t know.” 

Arthur pulled him closer and pressed a kiss to his hair. “Maybe we’re just supposed to be happy this time.” 

“That sounds too good to be true.” 

Arthur laughed. “You never know.” 

“Just for the record, though,” Merlin said pensively, “I didn’t fall in love with you because I had to. I fell in love with you because I  _ wanted _ to. Both times.” 

“Both times, huh?” Arthur grinned smugly. 

“As if it wasn’t obvious. Clotpole.” 

“Yeah, okay. Looking back it really was obvious. We were a pair of idiots, weren’t we?”

“Hm, definitely. But not only back then. Took us 24 years to get to this point now…”

“Well, you wouldn’t expect two 6-year-olds to jump each other, would you?” 

“Fair enough. 15 years, then.” 

Arthur rolled Merlin over and pinned him to the mattress. 

“Better late than never. And, also for the record, I  _ always _ loved you, Merlin, even when I didn’t know of any destinies or prophecies or whatever.”

Merlin smiled happily at him. 

“I love you. So much,” he whispered, almost reverently. 

Arthur smiled back, rolled them over so he was on top of Merlin and leaned down to kiss him softly. “I love you, too. So much.” 

He kissed him again, more passionate this time, pouring years of longing into the touch of their lips. When they broke apart again, Arthur gave Merlin an odd half-grin. 

“I can’t believe you married  _ Gwaine _ this time around.” 

Merlin chuckled. “Yeah… me neither.”

“And you have a daughter. I guess it’s good to know that most things are nothing like before. It’s strange, thinking about that. Somehow I feel like I’m two different people at the same time.” 

Merlin nodded. It was true. The memories were there and they were real, but somehow it felt like they were far away, like Merlin had moved on from them and was a different person now, while still the same at the core. Merlin was the person from his memories just as much as he was the person from his present; but the present version of him seemed more vivid, as opposed to the slightly faded Merlin from the old days. There was still a dull kind of pain when he thought about Arthur dying in his arms, but it was barely there at all. He had a new life, and a new chance, and Arthur was right there, right on top of him, butt naked of all things, too. It didn’t matter what had happened millennia ago; all that mattered was their present and their future. They were the stuff of legends, and maybe that was exactly why an ordinary life together seemed so much more appealing now than it ever had before. 

“Yeah, me too,” Merlin agreed, “Things were… darker, back then. Definitely more difficult, in so many ways. I suppose it’ll take some time to… well, find ourselves again, a healthy mix of both, some lucky bastards who got a second chance.” 

“Very lucky indeed,” Arthur said as he leaned back in for another kiss. Arthur hummed. “My turn?”

“Mhmmm…” Merlin hummed in agreement, just as the door opened and Anna burst in. They both jumped, and Merlin was just glad they were covered up by a blanket. He hadn’t even realized that she had gotten home from school already. 

“Dad--” she started and stopped immediately when she took in the sight in front of her. She blushed, but didn’t need long to recover. “Sorry. I just wanted to ask you if you’ve seen my spell book, and if it’s okay if I go out to get some ice cream with Daniel.” 

Merlin sighed. “Did you leave it at the bookshop again? And yes, you can go out to get some ice cream.” 

“Oh! Yeah, that’s probably it. We’ll just drop by there as well then, yeah?”

“Sure.”    
“Thanks, Dad.” Anna turned to leave, but then decided against it and turned back to grin back and forth between Merlin and Arthur. 

“About time, that,” she told them. “I hope I didn’t… kill the mood or anything. Please carry on.”

Merlin felt himself blush and gape like a fish at his daughter. 

“Oh my god, you’re supposed to be 12 years old! You shouldn’t even know--”

Anna laughed. 

“I know a lot. You know I’m very mature for my age, plus, what am I supposed to think? That you’re playing some weird game, naked in bed?” 

“You’re not supposed to think anything of the sort!” 

“Come on, Dad. Don’t be such a prude,” Anna told him way too seriously, and Arthur burst into laughter. 

“That’s my girl,” he said proudly, clearly enjoying Merlin’s embarrassment, mixed with outrage and shock. 

“I’m getting old, aren’t I?” Merlin sounded utterly lost, and Arthur’s laughter didn’t help. 

“Anyway…” Anna started, but Merlin shook his head and held up a hand to interrupt her right there. 

“We’ll have some words later, young lady,” he said, trying to sound stern. 

Anna just smiled, her blue eyes gleaming defiantly.    
“Whatever you want, Dad. Either way, I’m off. Thanks again.” 

And with that, she left, leaving Merlin staring at the door, utterly dumbfounded. 

“She’s all grown up. When did that happen?” He shook his head, unable to stop staring. 

Arthur laughed softly and kissed him, trying to win back his attention. 

“Less thinking, more kissing,” Arthur told him and Merlin obliged for the moment. It didn’t stop him from thinking about when or where Anna had learned all that stuff, though.

“Will you stop thinking so loudly? I can  _ literally  _ hear everything, are you doing this on purpose? Sending me your troubled thoughts?” 

Merlin’s eyes widened. “You can? Oops.” He concentrated for a moment. 

“Thank you.” Arthur said when Merlin stopped accidentally sending him his thoughts. “But you shouldn’t worry too much. Anna is a great girl, and she just happens to be very mature for her age. She’s very smart, too. You know she always has her nose in a book. That’s probably where she picked it up. That, and movies, TV shows, … Sex is everywhere, Merlin. You can’t protect her from it forever.” 

“I know. She just surprised me, I suppose.”

“At least she approves of us.” 

“Oh, she  _ always _ has. Do you remember when she asked you to marry me?” 

Arthur smiled. “How could I ever forget? It was so hard to say no.” 

Merlin groaned. 

“Pair of idiots, right here,” he said half-jokingly. 

“Stubborn, too,” Arthur added.

“Yeah, you especially.”

“Oi!” 

Merlin leaned up to kiss Arthur on the lips, their hips brushing together. 

“Don’t expect me to ever let you go again,” Merlin told him, voice sure and steady. 

“Don’t expect me to ever leave you again. Or let you go, for that matter,” Arthur said in return and they smiled brilliantly at each other. 

“And don’t you dare go dying on me again.” 

“I’ll try not to get stabbed in battle.” 

“Please do.” 

They both laughed and Merlin rolled them over and straddled Arthur’s hips, before leaning down and kissing the laughter right off his face.

 

 

“Gwen said she’s sorry and she agreed that I am still Finn’s father and that we should share custody. We will tell him eventually, but not until he’s much older,” Arthur said when he walked into the kitchen later that afternoon, shortly after he’d gotten off the phone with Gwen. “And we’re getting divorced, obviously.” 

Merlin was chopping vegetables for dinner and looked up to give Arthur a smile. 

“I’m glad to hear that. Not the divorce - although, yes, that too, but I’m mostly glad that Gwen agrees with you and that you will still be Finn’s Dad.” 

Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin from behind and pressed a kiss just beneath his earlobe. 

“Mhmm… we’ll still have to figure out how to do this. You have your life here, but mine is still in New York. Finn is there, and my job… although I could also find one here, but Finn…”

Merlin sighed. “I know. And I don’t want to pull you away from him, but I also want you for myself, and not just every other month. I want to spent the rest of this life with you.” 

Arthur chuckled. “Are you proposing?”

Merlin shrugged. “Kind of? I don’t know. But there’s no doubt in my mind that I want it, so if you want it, too…”

Arthur buried his face in Merlin’s neck and laughed lightly. “Of course I do. But let me get divorced first, yeah?” He hummed. “You smell good.” 

Merlin made a face at that. “Well, thank you?”

Arthur hummed again. “I love you.” 

Merlin smiled and turned around in his embrace to place a kiss on his lips.

“I know,” he said, grinning cheekily. 

It was Merlin’s turn to hum as he thought about what he wanted to ask. 

“Did you-- Did you  _ before _ ? I mean, did you even like men back then?” He felt stupid asking, because it didn’t matter, not really, but somehow Merlin still wanted to know. 

Arthur snorted. “Hell yeah, I did. Not that I could ever have acted on it... The 6th century was tough. But yes, I did love you. More than you know.” 

“Bloody hell, Arthur. I loved you so much. You have no idea, I swear. Gwaine kept laughing at me, but I couldn’t help it.”

Arthur’s eyes widened. “Gwaine knew?”

“Oh, yeah. He tried getting into my breeches more than once, but I kept turning him down, so one day he just figured it out on his own.” 

“He--” Arthur narrowed his eyes. “You have no idea how much I want to punch Gwaine right now. The past one. The present one doesn’t remember, so it wouldn’t be satisfying at all.” 

“Oh, come on. No need to be jealous  _ now _ , my lord,” Merlin said, grinning. To underline his words, he leaned in and kissed Arthur softly, one hand slipping underneath his shirt. 

“I suppose not.” 

Merlin pulled back a bit and bit his lip, uncertain. “I don’t think they will ever remember, either. You and I remembered because I thought it would be a good idea at some point, under certain circumstances. But now I’m not even sure about that anymore. Do you think we’d have been happier without our memories?” 

Sensing Merlin’s sudden uncertainty, Arthur pulled him against his chest and held him tight, one hand soothingly playing with the dark hair at the nape of his neck. 

“I think we’d have been happy either way. And I like knowing who I am. I like knowing that I can finally have you, that somehow the universe decided to give us a second chance,” Arthur told him softly. 

Merlin breathed against Arthur’s neck. “I always felt like something was missing. My whole life… well, this whole life, I never quite understood. I always had a feeling that there was more. And now that I remember, it makes sense. For the first time in 30 years, it makes sense.” 

“See. It’s fine. Things are fine. They will be. For the first time in 1500 years, things will truly be fine. I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like, living that long.” 

Merlin sighed. “Well, it was horrible. Imagine spending millennia pining for someone like a pathetic twat.” Merlin chuckled, but quickly grew serious again. “But it’s… it feels like a distant memory now. The pain, the heartbreak, the loneliness… it’s there, and I remember all of it, but it doesn’t affect me that much anymore. I’ve moved on, I suppose. It’s like you said. In a way, I feel like two people at once and it’s going to take a while to find a balance.” 

Arthur smiled sympathetically as he brought some distance between them, just to close it again and kiss Merlin softly on the lips. The kiss was quickly turning into something more heated, until a voice behind them made them jump apart. 

“Oh god, please tell me this is a forever kind of thing this time?” Freya asked. It seemed liked she couldn’t decide if she wanted to be happy and amused, or just annoyed. 

Merlin broke into a brilliant smile and wrapped one arm around Arthur’s waist.

Meeting his beautiful blue eyes, he said, “Yes. Yes, this is definitely a forever kind of thing.”  


	19. The One with the Happy End

_ 6 years later _

_ _

 

“Mum, Dad, uncle Arthur,” Anna said as she entered the room, interrupting their rather heated conversation and winning the adults’ attention. 

She was wearing a long, silky, dark blue dress, her dark hair falling in soft curls around her shoulders. 

“What do you think?” she asked shyly, turning and smiling. 

“You look… absolutely amazing, sweetheart,” Merlin told her, crossing the room to press a kiss to her forehead. “Can you believe it? My little girl is all grown up.” 

“Your Dad’s right. You look stunning,” Arthur said, joining them. 

“More than beautiful. Oh, my little baby girl is all grown up and beautiful.” Freya was in tears when she pulled out her phone to take pictures.

Anna blushed a little. “Thank you.” 

“And so the circle is complete, I guess. 18 years ago--” Merlin started, but Anna held up a hand to stop him right there. 

“I know what you were going to say, Dad, and please don’t. I know the story and there’s no need to tell it again.” 

Merlin chuckled and raised his hands in surrender. 

“All right. Just promise you’ll be careful.” 

“I’m going with Daniel, Dad. Nothing is going to happen. I won’t get pregnant. Prom won’t make a difference in that regard.”

Merlin’s eyes widened, and he felt Arthur squeeze his hand supportively. 

“Right.” 

He could hear Freya chuckle through her tears.

Anna kissed him on the cheek and let her magic reach out to his.

“Don’t worry so much, Dad. You can trust me.”

Merlin sighed. “I know I can. And I do. But you’re still my little girl, and you always will be.” 

Anna smiled. “I know.” 

Then she turned to Arthur. “Please take care of him tonight? I can  _ feel _ he’s a nervous wreck. His magic is going nuts.” 

“Oi!” Merlin protested, but let himself be pulled against Arthur’s chest anyway.

“Till death do us part,” Arthur said, and Merlin knew he meant it. He’d meant it the year before when they’d finally made it official just as much as he meant it now. 

Anna smiled at them. 

“Good.” Then, “I love you both.” She turned around. “And you, Mum.”

They hugged her all at once, like the one big family they had become. 

The doorbell rang shortly after, and Merlin knew it was time to let Anna go. 

“All right, then. Daniel’s here. Have fun, sweetheart.” 

“Thanks, Dad.” 

And before anyone could say anything else, Anna had grabbed her bag and her jacket and was out the door. 

“Merlin,” Arthur said when she was gone, looking amused, “You need to calm down.”

Merlin did feel a bit frantic. “What?”

“You’re sending me your troubled thoughts again. Stop it.” 

“Oh. Sorry.” Merlin reined his magic back in, and forced his thoughts to stay where they belonged. It didn’t happen a lot, but sometimes, especially when he was nervous or excited, his thoughts tended to drift, and cross the special bond he had with Arthur. 

He didn’t really know why or how, but they did, and sometimes Merlin liked that they did. He liked sharing his feelings with Arthur. Well, sometimes. 

Arthur wrapped Merlin in a hug and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“Anna is a great girl. She’ll be fine,” he told him.

“I know. It’s just… an emotional moment, okay? My little girl is an adult now. Soon she’ll leave for university and how am I supposed to handle that?” 

Arthur smiled sympathetically and kissed Merlin softly. “You will.  _ We _ will.” 

“If you say so. But I still need a drink.” 

Arthur nodded. “Well, let’s go and get one, then.”

He turned and walked towards the coat rack and Merlin was right behind him, eager to get away. Going out to get a drink at the local pub was exactly what he needed. What he didn’t need, however, was Kilgharrah crossing his path, making him stumble and fall just as Arthur turned around with their coats. He landed softly, right on top of Arthur, who groaned when his back hit the floor. 

“Stupid cat!” Merlin cursed. But then he met Arthur’s eyes and he couldn’t help smiling. He knew his husband was thinking the same thing, and they both started laughing. 

“Get off of me, you clumsy dolt!” Arthur demanded, trying to sound serious, but Merlin could still see his smile.

Merlin feigned outrage. “Oi! That’s not a very nice word! You need to apologize!” 

“I most certainly won’t! You deserve it!” 

“I said I’m sorry!”

“You did not. I hate you already!” 

“You’re so mean! Apologize!” 

“Won’t.”

It was really hard not to burst into laughter again, but Merlin decided to pull through, unable to keep the grin from his face.

“Well, I don’t hate you. I think you’re pretty. Like Ken.” 

Arthur tried making a face.

“Like Ken?”

“Oh yeah, very pretty.” Merlin smiled and just couldn’t keep up the act any longer. “I love you, Arthur.” 

Arthur grinned. “Do you, then?”

“Yes. Yes, I think so.” 

“Well, lucky that I love you too, then.” 

Smiling happily, Merlin leaned down to kiss Arthur. Sometimes he still felt exhilarated because he was finally able to do that whenever he wanted. And knowing that Arthur loved him just as much as he loved him while he did so, was the best feeling in the world. Merlin was - quite literally - ancient, had seen so much in another life before, but with Arthur he didn’t feel so ancient at all. 

He let his magic reach out and wrap them in, and he heard Freya and Kilgharrah cackle in the background. Maybe they were being a bit silly, making out on the floor like that after years of relationship, but Merlin didn’t care. He was happy, and after 1500 years in another life, and 36 years in his current one, he was finally where he wanted to be. 

 

+FIN+

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Love, Arthur](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14026278) by [merthurxmalec](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurxmalec/pseuds/merthurxmalec)




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